is universal. We humans do experience loss and out of
these great feelings of loss and grief we develop ideas
about ourselves. The human experience is to want and crave
love and connection. Our greatest fears are rejection
and being abandoned. For some of us, our basic needs for
safety, nurturing, love and being heard and validated
were not met when we were infants and children. The fear
of being discarded and abandoned happens to us all.
humans are given "lesson loves" through our interactions
with others. We have these lesson loves when people we
love disappoint us and leave, causing great anguish and
pain and a sense of betrayal. Feeling insecure, rejected
and left out gives us major lessons to work through. Loss
and anguish help us distinguish those lessons that we
are here to work through. When the rift is deep early
in life, we can develop issues of lack of trust and fear
of intimacy. These make up the psychological lessons of
life that we are to learn about and work through. Some
call this our karma to address and move through.
rejected at an early age really makes a big imprint on
a child's little psyche. Much of the insecurity that we
have as adults goes back to experiences and events in
our earliest years and the ideas we picked up about ourselves.
Some triggers that cause an angry reaction have their
origin in old abandonment wounds. Being unwanted and not
feeling safe are common fears that are held in our deepest
psyche. You can use many approaches and techniques to
challenge and release these deep fears that you are not
enough as you are and not worthy of being loved. Identifying
these issues gives us the opportunity to process them,
and thereby causes us to stretch and grow. Fortunately,
at this time on our planet, there are many healing techniques
and approaches to help us.
Who Is Most Likely to Experience Abandonment Issues?
has to do with the sense of being separate and alone as
an infant or child. Attachment disorders happen when there
are severe disruptions in the parent-child bond. There
are deep psychic wound in many of us due to relational
trauma we experienced from our parents belittling, dismissing
or neglecting us. Fears of being abandoned happened when
we had parents who cared for us but just couldn't be there
for us in the way that our little minds wanted them to.
of parents who were alcoholics or drug users or were ill
or too busy working and could not meet the child's needs
for attachment and safety can experience these issues.
of selfish parents who were too focused on their own needs
may feel a sense of loss. Scapegoated children almost
always feel the loss of a parent's love.
who were separated from their parents and left with other
caretakers can feel pushed out and rejected even though
there were good reasons for the placement.
children often feel abandonment. People who felt different
from their families or had a biological parent that they
did not know or were raised by a step parent and felt
different may have identity issues.
and spiritual children from dysfunctional families feel
out of place and different from other family members.
and a parent's leaving can create confusion, ideas about
being rejected and abandoned, feeling different and
not fitting in.
issues manifest in different forms of intimacy issues.
Often as a result of the feelings of deep hurt and not
being validated, there can be either distancing and avoiding
people or an excessive neediness and demanding to be heard,
recognized and understood. There can be great anger inside
without realizing the reason why. The coping methods of
those who have a fear of loss and never feeling safe within
a relationship can take different forms:
who are emotionally needy often make others feel annoyed
and emotionally infringed upon.
who are afraid to make loving connections with others
out of fear of being hurt once again.
who put up walls or a barrier around their innermost self
to keep people out who they think might harm them.
who keep themselves away from intimate relationships due
to the fear of being deeply hurt.
who are seriously jealous and must monitor and questions
their partner constantly.
issues left untreated often are played out on significant
others. Placing demands on a partner, child or a friend
to give you the attention and love that you did not get
from your parents always backfires. People in your life
today are not there to make up for the insecurities felt
as a child. However, relationships bring up the old wounds
so that they can be worked though and healed.
are not to blame our parents as they experienced similar
wounding that has come down through the generations. We
are to understand our family patterns, not blame our parents.
As Virginia Satir said, "We are victims of victims of
victims." Yet, we do not have to remain victims. We stay
in victim mode only when we continue to carry and act
out the old wounding. You may have to mourn the loss of
your childhood and the pain of the people in your family.
There is a time to move through mourning and get on with
life. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 reminds us:
is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance…"
articles on this web site will help you understand and then
work with feelings and ways of coping that developed out
of feeling neglected and abandoned as a child. You deserve
to be whole and connected to yourself, others and that which
you call Creator. The psychological work must be done to
release old insecurities and false ideas. It's not enough
to know about this issue. The deep feelings and errors of
thinking about being unworthy must be processed.