Almost everyone wants a happy relationship. Few people know
how to achieve them. Most individuals come to a relationship
with old baggage of hurts, disappointments and anger that
eventually color their current situation. Today's research
is studying happy couples to determine how they manage to
live in harmony with each other given the number of stressors
of daily life. System theory helps explain how some people
learn to get along with each other in intimate relationship.
Why is learning about systems important? Because systems
theory accurately describes how things work in relationships.
A system is two or more people who interact with each other.
Two friends, a family, a classroom, a school, a block, a city,
a country and even our planet are examples of systems because
there is mutual interaction. Your family is a system. How
one person in the system acts effects the behavior of the
next and so on. Members of a system are like the moving pieces
of a mobile. The behavior of one person in the system effects
the others just as touching one object of a mobile sets the
whole system moving. One family member's mood and behavior
influence the others. System thinking goes beyond blaming
others to seeing how things are for the whole group.
All systems have characteristics of being open systems or
closed ones. Systems can be placed on a continuum from open
to closed. Most family systems fall somewhere in the middle
between open and closed. Systems vary from time to time in
their ability to be open and closed. When more stressors come
down on the system, they become more closed and rigid. The
quality of life in your family, job or spiritual group system
is generally based on the overall mental health of the most
dominant member.
Certain behaviors and attitudes in system members make a
system open. People are treated with love, respect and caring
in open systems. Their needs are acknowledged. Learning to
share feelings helps open up a system. Talk, trust and feel
are the rules in an open system. The needs of the entire group
and ways to break into reciprocal negative patterns are explored.
Family members then share responsibility to make changes in
their unhealthy behavior.
Closed systems are fear based. They function with techniques
of control, manipulation and faulty finding. There is generally
a hierarchy with the dominant member on top who dictates to
others. Each person has a designated role which they are not
allowed to deviate from. Closed systems function to keep the
status quo by insisting that new information and change be
limited. Dysfunctional behavior and addictions may be present.
Abusive relationships are always closed. Tightly closed systems
are authoritarian in nature where personal freedom and new
information are suppressed such as Hitler's Germany, prisons
and cults.
Safe Systems vs Systems
Where People Feel Hurt
(Based on Love) vs (Based
on Fear)
Open to new learning and information
vs. Closed to new ideas
Communication vs.
Withdrawal/Hiding who you are
Freedom to express individuality
vs. Control over others
Open/Flexible vs.
Rigid, blaming the partner
Speaking feelings vs.
Ridicule/Discounting of feelings
Trust/Acceptance vs.
Suspicion/mistrust
Problem solving/Learning from mistakes
vs. Fault finding/Criticism/Punishment
Feeling good about yourself vs.
Feeling hurt, angry and ashamed
Individuals encouraged to learn and grow
vs. Keeping the status quo.
Being allowed to question authority
vs. Keeping people caught in the
rigid rules of the system
Healthy addictions (gardening, walking
etc.) vs. Misusing alcohol, drugs and other addictions.
When we were children we were not able to choose our family
system. As adults, we get the systems we are willing to put
up with. With all the personal growth options available, individuals
can take the opportunity to learn about their behaviors which
keep them caught in unhappy situations. When we learn more
healthy behaviors, out systems change to reflect the level
of our healthiness.
Making Your Relationship
an Open System
Researchers are studying couples in happy marriages
to find out what types of behavior makes up rewarding long
term relationships. In doing so, researchers are finding out
why relationships fall apart. People who have achieved happy
relationships are skilled in creating open systems. They have
developed a behavior repertoire that create openness in the
system.
In transformational relationships the partners learn and
grow and the relationship grows as well. Transformational
relationships are open systems where each individual and the
couple is encouraged to bring new information into the relationship.
Let's see what several researchers have found out about happy
couples who have developed the skills to form an open system.
1. Happy couples base their relationship on a strong, spiritual
foundation. They sought out something greater than themselves
and developed shared rituals to give meaning to their lives.
They developed shared rituals to strengthen the bond between
them.
2. People in happy relationships shared positive values
of commitment, cooperation, loving, acceptance, honesty, respect,
responsibility and humor. They lived out these values in their
relationship. They down played material success and achievement
and defined their relationship in terms of their positive
values.
3. Happy couples were more likely to idealize and paint
a rosy picture of their partner. They credited their partners
with helping make the relationship work. With these positive
beliefs, each partner was able to overlook many of the flaws
in their partner. They were generous in spirit when they made
critiques of their partner's behavior. When crisis struck,
they kept an optimistic outlook of the relationship saying
We can handle this. We can work it out. Current research is
saying that the willingness to be generous with one's partners
shortcoming and overlooking their weaknesses to focus on strengths
is the key to a happy long-term relationship.
4. The couples were equal partners in making the important
decisions in the relationship. They learned to balance power
in their relationship. Marital power was shared with each
person doing what they had more expertise in that area. Household
tasks were divided by who was good at the task, not by gender
roles. They cut each other slack when certain expectations
were not met.
5. The couples who were happy together emphasized life long
learning and personal growth. They saw problems as opportunities
that the two of them could overcome. They had a sense of the
coupleship that could deal with all the problems that life
offered them. Happy couples put their relationship first.
Their relationship with each other was more important than
their relationship with their children, friends or parents.
6. Contented partners developed good negotiation skills.
They agreed to disagree and problem solve together to come
to a reasonable solution for both. Each tried to hear the
other person's point of view during disagreements. They understood
that respectful negotiation was the key to a rewarding relationship.
They overcame their fears about confrontation and conflict
and they use techniques of fight fair to settle disagreements.
They were especially careful to repair their relationship
after times of discord by providing extra nurturing for each
other.
7. Successful couples valued intimacy and encouraged mutual
nurturing. The provision of support during stressful times
was a necessary ingredient for individuals to feel emotionally
safe during tough times. When outside stressors such as job
change or financial trouble came up, the couple stood together.
Lack of social support from one or both partners has been
show to be a key predictor of marital problems. When there
is a long time pattern of nonsupport, partners can feel left
out and become resentful creating distancing and an impasse.
Reciprocal comforting and nurturing is a balm that bonds the
couple together in this stressful world.
A transformational relationship fosters growth for each
of the partners and the relationship. For your relationship
to survive and be rosy in today's world, open up your system.
Practice the positive skills that nurtures the relationship.
Today's couples can choose from a variety of options to learn
relationship enriching skills. Today's couple counseling provides
many tools and techniques that can help move your relationship
from closed to open.
Back to the Welcome Page
More on Talk, Trust and Feel Therapeutics
How to Let Go of Your Mad Baggage
