Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr.Julie Schwartz
Gottman, are the world's foremost researchers
in understanding relationships. They invite couples
to come into their research laboratory and talk
and argue about topics of their choice. They wire
the couples up to sensory data machines and analyze
the videotapes frame by frame to understand the
complexities of human interaction. Gottman follows
the couples long term to see who stays together.
He can predict which couples will stay together
after nine years with 90% accuracy after hearing
just three minutes of their arguments!
Gottman
found that there are basic verbal reactions that
bond people together and cement relationships.
He has identified the emotional command systems
that people use to try to gain attention and love.
He calls this the bidding process.
Positive
bids are words, questions, gestures, looks, and
ways of touching that reach out to the partner
to say, " I want to be closer to you." The emotional
needs that are met by bids includes (1.) to be
included, (2.) to have a sense of control over
their life and (3.) to be liked.
Parents
Teach Children to Deal with Feelings and Respond
to Bids
Emotional
bids are learned in infancy when the child cries
and the parents respond either with attention,
irritability or disinterest. The parent models
the learned skill of validating the child by paying
positive attention to him. The child practices
his own emotional bidding first with family and
then making and maintaining friends. Some children
are quite adept at learning and reading social
cues in relationships. Failure to learn the appropriate
connecting skills typically results in non-nurturing
friendships and later in failure in marriages.
Ways
That Families Deal With Feelings That Increase
Positive Bidding
1.
Emotional Coaching: accepting feelings and helping
the child problem solve the issue.
-
You can get angry, but you must not yell at
me. Talk to me about what upsets you.
-
I know you feel scared. What can you do to take
care of these feelings?
-
When you are angry, you can draw a picture of
your feelings.
-
Let's talk about what you are feeling, and we
can figure out what to do.
2.
Dismissing Feelings: This includes silence or
disparaging the child for having feelings. Fears
are minimized and tears are ignored so the child
learns to ignore his own feelings to fit into
the family.
-
Shame on you for being afraid. You are a big
boy.
-
If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something
to cry about.
-
Cheer up. Put a smile on your face and get on
with it.
-
You shouldn't feel that way.
3. Laissez-faire:
These parents acknowledge the feelings, but let
the situation pass without
problem
solving. The parents typically do not have the
skills to help the child work through his upset
feelings or they are too busy with other things.
-
You are feeling sad right now.
-
I can tell that you are angry with me.
-
I know you are frightened.
-
I understand how you feel.
4.
Disapproving of Emotions: Parents scold and reprimand
the children with shame statements and put-downs.
The children learn to hide their feelings and
discount them. This form of parenting develops
children who feel ashamed about having feelings
which are a normal part of life. These children
grow up insecure and unequipped to be in partnerships.
-
Oh stop your whining and crying. Grow up!
-
Ha. Ha. Look at the little crybaby.
-
What is the matter with you now?
-
Don't act like a two year old. You are a big
boy now.
Gottman
describes the type of family philosophy regarding
feelings that help children be secure and strong:
"In
our two ten-year studies of more than one hundred
families, the answer is clear. Families that create
emotion-coaching environments fare much better
than families that are dismissing, disapproving
or have a laissez-faire attitude towards emotions.
Couples who accept, respect and honor each other's
feelings are less likely to divorce. Their children
tend to do better over the years as well. Because
these emotional-coaching families create environments
that help children regulate their feelings, their
children can concentrate better than the kids
in the other groups. They get better grades in
school. They have fewer behavior problems and
they get along better with their peers. Lab results
show that they have fewer stress-related hormones
in their bloodstreams and that over time, they
suffer from fewer minor health problems like coughs
and colds."
Ways
People React to Bids for Connection
The
opportunity for emotional connection is possible
every time we engage in a conversation. Gottman's
concept is simple. When we talk to people there
is a possibility of three outcomes from the other
person:
1.
to come closer (Turning Toward)
2.
to go further way (Turning Away)
3.
to stay at a neutral place.
Happily
married couples bid for connection often. Happily
married couples turn towards each other and bid
with interest, smiles, humor and shared meanings.
They develop a reciprocal interest sharing kind
of relationship.
How
the partner responds to an emotional bid is important.
When someone makes an emotional big for connection
often and is rejected by their partner, the relationship
suffers. This is called "unrequited turning."
When a partner's attempts for connection are not
met, the partner stops trying and a relationship
sours. Unhappy marriages rarely bid at all, creating
a type of "roommate marriage." People hardly rebid
at all in marriages headed for divorce.
Turning
Away Responses to Bids for Attention
Common
Turning Away obstacles to connection in relationship
include:
1.
Passive, noncommittal responses
2.
Preoccupied, ignoring responses
3.
Disregarding responses
4.
Interrupting and changing the subject responses
Turning
Against Responses to Bids for Attention
The
Turning Against responses were negative and angry.
These types of responses included:
1.
Belligerent responses such as being provocative,
or wanting to pick a fight.
2.
Contradicting and disparaging responses, such
as wanting to debate and disagree, although less
hostile than belligerence responses.
3.
Domineering responses included attempts to control,
get the other person to back off or be submissive.
4.
Critical responses such as blaming and judgments
made on the other person. Sentences that start
out with blaming statements like "You always..."
are critical responses.
5.
Defensive responses include the statements of
saying, "It's not my fault." in irritation and
relinquishing responsibility.
Responding
with Turning Away or attack are subtle ways of
saying " I don't care to be bothered by you."
Feelings of loss and disappointment bring trouble
to a relationship. The Turning Away From and the
Turning Against responses created hurt, disappointment,
anxiety, and discouragement, which then affected
the quality of the marriage.
Differences
Between Men and Women
Gottman's
research says that men hold the key to whether
the relationship will succeed or not. When the
husband is mindful of his responses to his wife
and shows interest and caring, there is more of
a chance for a happy marriage. In happy marriages,
husbands turned towards their wives more than
men from unhappy marriages. Women usually turned
towards the husband's bids whether the marriage
was happy are not.
When
both turned against each other, husbands typically
became hostile or suppressed their emotions. When
spouses typically turned away from each other's
positive bids for attention, both respond with
more hostility during arguments. Disconnected
couples hardly talked to each other and failed
to connect.
His
research showed that in general, men are more
critical and irritable than women when they are
stressed in talking about a difficult subject.
Men were more likely to " fight or flight," while
women were more likely to "tend and befriend."
The wives ability to stay calm and interested
during a confrontation helped keep the husband
stable.
Speak
Sweetly When You Start a Sticky Subject
Soft
start-ups when beginning a serious discussion
are important in creating a climate for problem
solution. Soft start-ups include statements like,
"I was worried when you didn't call. I really
appreciate it when I know your change of schedule."
or "Honey, I need a new dress. Could we sit down
and discuss our budget?" Soft start-ups being
with something positive, express gratitude and
start with the word "I" instead of "You." Complaints
are presented in a hopeful, helpful way so that
problems can be resolved, not debated.
Harsh
start-ups begin with a demand or accusation set
the tone for anger in the fight. Think of the
guests on the Jerry Springer show who start out
with ugly, angry words and then escalate. ! Harsh
set ups start the word "You" which is followed
by a complaint. They jump right into complaining
without setting the climate for a resolution of
the problem. They focus on what is wrong and make
judgmental comments about the person's character.
Harshful criticism includes blaming, demands and
set the tone of being willing to fight. Anytime
you hear yourself saying "You never..." or "You
always..." you are using a harsh start up.
Stockpiling
of complaints is bringing up several unresolved
disputes at once. Past hurts and unresolved problems
are heaped on the current issue. Adding on many
unresolved issues from the past will get discussion
off track and nothing will get resolved.
The
Crabby Habit of Mind
Gottman
noted that some people consistently look for the
wrong doings of their partners and then find it.
Looking for the worst and then commenting on it
can be a bad habit. Critical, judgmental people
are usually met with Turning Away or Turning Against
responses.
You
get what you put out. It is important for couples
to develop a positive emotional bank account filled
with positive bidding and returned interest. Some
people practice seeing the good in things and
build up a habit of being positive. Optimistic
people invest more in relationships.
The
Flooding of Stress Related Hormones can Send Fights
Spinning Out of Control
The
"fight or flight" response is a reaction to stress
left over from our cave-man days. Flooding happens
in people who become angry quickly. Hormones flood
in to prepare the person to take care of himself
in threatening situations. Adrenalin courses through
the bloodstream to prepare for action. Physical
sign of flooding are feeling energized, hot, shallow
breathing, pounding heart and muscle tension.
Unfortunately,
common sense is thrown out the window when you
become flooded. You say things you do not mean.
Ugly words are tossed out. You shut off listening
to your partner and sometimes go for the jugular
vein. The over-excited behaviors that accompany
flooding are you at your worst. Loud voices and
rude behavior during an argument create even more
conflict in the relationship, and the problem
does not get worked out.
You
are always responsible for your anger. Time outs
to calm yourself and bring you back to your right
mind are the recommendations given to people who
flood. Time outs can be established in advance
with the purpose of helping the relationship.
They can be stated as "For the good of the relationship,
I need to go calm myself down. I'll cool off then
we can talk further." Abrupt leavings without
warning are not helpful.
You
can learn to ask to be excused to get back to
your right mind. You need to agree to return to
the discussion and not just sweep the unresolved
issue under the rug. People have different amounts
of time that they need to calm down before they
can return and discuss the issue in a quieter
manner.
Avoiding
the Confrontation You Need to Hear
Some
families are conflict avoidant. This creates feelings
of frustration, problems never being solved and
building up of resentment in one partner, which
sometimes results in big blow-ups. Sometimes it
is not the right time to talk about a problem.
Sometimes one partner refuses to discuss the problem.
Little problems do need to be addressed before
they grow into big ones. Gottman noticed three
ways of dealing with conflict when one partner
did not want to talk"
1.
Attack the partner and defend the self (You pay
for this by having a partner who will shut down
eventually.)
2.
Avoid, deny or minimize when there is a problem
(You pay for this by having a partner who remains
angry. Anger builds up, as there is no escape
valve for it to release.)
3.
Disclose feelings and connect with the partner.
(If the time for talking out the problem is not
appropriate, make a date to talk at a better time.)
Why
are people conflict avoidant? Fights cause adrenalin
to course through the body. Arguments make them
upset and they do not like to feel that way. The
high emotional arousal (nervous stomach, shortness
of breath, fear reaction, etc.) that conflict-avoidant
people have can be addressed through the Energy
Psychology techniques. You can learn to stay to
quell these physiological reactions that accompany
feeling threatened.
Practice
Emotional Bidding and Responses to Create Happy
Lives
So
the research says that how you respond to your
partner's bids for attention depends on whether
you have a happy, loving relationship or not.
Positive engagement by couples increases affection
and interest while having an argument.
The
moral of Gottman's research? Kindness works. Respect
is crucial. Show interest in what your partner
says and you will build up big dividends in your
relationship. Look for the good in your partner
and make it known. Say what you like out loud
and you will get more of it. Men, pay attention
to the emotional needs of your wife. Return your
partner's bids with positive interest and you
will have more happiness in your life.
Resources
Gottman,
John and DeClaire, Joan. The Relationship Cure:
A 5 Step Guide for Building Better Communications
for Family, Friends and Lovers. Gottman's
books have many exercises that will help you identify
your fighting style and personality dynamics plus
many ideas for creating bonding and intimacy in
marriage. The book is available at the library
at the call numbers of 158.2 G716r 2001
Gottman, John and Schwartz-Gottman, Julie.
Why Marriages Succeed and Fail
