Conflict, confrontation, arguments! When do we ever
win them? Why is it so difficult to disagree with others and
come out feeling good about it? Why do we hate to be in the
hot seat? Why does fighting with someone else make us feel so
rotten? Maurice and Joan found themselves talking less and less
to each other after their retirement. Formerly satisfied with
their marriage when both had active careers, now they avoiding
talking about things that upset them because they ended up fighting
over the smallest things. The retirement years that they had
long waited for were turning into a nightmare because of conflict.
They were caught in a continual struggle for power and control
resulting in an guerrilla style of fighting.
Fights happen when we feel threatened about something that
is important to us. Otherwise with the painfulness of conflict,
we would be willing to let go of the issue. Some of our values,
attitudes or possessions are challenged making us feel that
our basic self esteem is threatened. We take a defensive stand
and come out swinging. Unfortunately few of us know how to
fight in a productive way. We have learned rules for fighting
from those people who did not know how to express themselves
in constructive ways--our parents. When we are challenged,
we often revert back to our little child self, hurt and angry.
We simply perpetuate poor communication habits because we
do not know how to do anything different.
But wait! Research and family systems theory to the rescue!
Here is what current psychology has to say about approaching
the tricky problem of getting what you want without beating
up yourself and your mate. Here are some ideas that will help
you reduce heated arguments and stay on the track of figuring
out what will be the best for both of you. Here are some rules
for fair fighting.
* Don't let things fester inside. Anger must be expressed
or it will build up. Schedule arguments ahead of time when
you feel the pressure building up. Agree before hand that
there are some things that you can disagree on (opinions on
politics, personal interests and beliefs.) Other things must
be worked through (how to raise the children, spend money,
how you would like to be treated, etc..) Determine which category
your topic falls in.
* Chose a time when you will not be distracted by family
members, guests or television and when you both are relatively
relaxed. Sit face to face and keep eye contact at the same
level. Make a contract to discuss the issue of concern only
and agree to avoid those ways of acting that sabotage problem
solving. Make a commitment to use the rules of fair fighting.
* Express what is going on to the best of your ability.
Talk feelings. Tell the person how you feel about what is
going on. Feeling first, solutions later. Get your point across
in a constructive way by owning how you feel about the topic.
Use the formula sentence, When you _____, I feel ____ . This
simple statement allows you to take responsibility for your
own feelings and behavior without blaming the other person.
Learning to use this feeling statement to express your emotions
helps you stay in the present and keeps you real. Practice
this sentence over and over in times when you are not angry
so that it becomes part of your vocabulary. Sharing of feelings
increases intimacy. Avoid sentences that begin with You always....
Don't tell the other person what they always do in a blaming
way, but focus on what you want to have happen. Keep coming
back to the I feel formula that helps you own your own feelings.
Talk feelings, talk feelings, talk feelings!
* Allow the other person's feelings to come out. Do not
discount the other person's feelings by saying, You should
not feel that way. All feelings of anger, disgust, jealously,
despair, etc. are human and need to be expressed. Bottled
up feelings that are uncomfortable will only serve to make
the problem worse as resentment and bitterness increase.
* Show the other person that you really heard what he or
she said. Repeat back what the other person just said. Say
I heard that you said ______ and what I feel about that is
__________. Listen for the feelings of hurt and threat behind
their statements. Ask the other person for clarification if
you do not understand what they are saying.
* Take turns talking. No monologues allowed. You should
be able to make your point in less than a minute or two. Any
longer turns into a lecture and You always or you should ____
which are blaming statements. Make sure the other person is
listening. Only one person should speak at a time. Healthy
conversation is like playing toss and catch. One person speaks
and one person listens. Go back and forth with the conversational
ball. Take turns talking.
* Stick to the topic. Do not bring in other sore issues.
Agree to discuss the pertinent topic only saying, We are discussing______,
not ________ Watch for ways you get off the track. Keep coming
back to the issue under discussion.
* Stop using techniques that turn up the heat and move you
both away from problem solving. Blaming, name calling, threatening,
foul language and sarcasm decrease intimacy. Young children
believe what they hear their parents saying. They are devastated
when they overhear these forms of verbal abuse. These ways
of communicating cut down on the possibility of your getting
what you want out of the argument.
Take out blame statements and name calling. No problem is
ever solved by telling the other person how bad they are.
Name calling causes the person to revert back to their behavior
and feelings they had as a little child when their parents
scolded them. It either renders them helpless or makes them
more angry. Name calling, criticism and blaming only perpetuate
the problem.
Watch your use of cursing. Cursing adds negative energy
to the confrontation placing the other person in danger of
feeling shame. Cuss words are like waving a red flag at a
bull and increase the heat of the argument. Know that your
use of cuss works only shuts the other person down and that
they feel the need to defend themselves further.
Do not make empty threats. Do not threaten to leave the
relationship or order the other person to get out unless you
really mean it. Threatening to break up the relationship only
brings up more fear and defensiveness in the other person.
Stop using statements of sarcasm. Sarcasm is a learned habit
of moving away from problem solving. Sarcasm is a form of
dishonesty as you say one thing but mean another. It is a
technique of distraction moving away from the issue at hand.
*Watch for ways you withdraw from the argument. Withdrawal
from conflict is one of the most common reasons for causing
a relationship to fail. Nothing is ever solved by leaving
the issue hanging and both partners are left in feelings of
hopelessness due to lack of closure.
The typical pattern is that men withdrawal and women push
for more discussion. Another typical pattern is that women
become compliant. They do not carry the topic through to closure
but give up because feelings of helplessness and what's the
use creep in.
* Schedule breathing breaks, or set a timer for every two
or three minutes for a breathing break. During this time do
not think of the argument and what you want to say. Think
of being calm and relaxed. Say to yourself I respect my partner
and his or her opinions. I respect myself and my opinions.
When you start to become confused or upset, breathe deeply
from your diaphragm to bring in more energy and stay centered.
*Watch your need to be right and win. Remember the quote
from The Course In Miracles, Do you want to be right or do
you want to be happy. Tell the other person what you do want.
Remember that you won't always get it but you need to express
what you feel is best for you. Keep coming back to what you
want but be ready to compromise. Stand firm only on those
decisions which compromise your integrity as a person.
*Offer compromises. Stop investing in winning and using
power plays and figure out what is really important to you.
Tell the other person what you will give up if they give up
something of value to them. Keep the negotiation open. Stop
every five minutes to sum up what you do agree on and note
where the disagreements still lie.
Make notes if necessary. Remind yourself and your partner
about the importance of fighting fairly. See how you respond
and cope when you feel threatened.
* Observe your patterns of coping with conflict by becoming
compliant, using blame or withdrawing. Observe how you go
for the jugular vein of the other person in attempts to get
your way. Note how you are willing to attack your partner's
vulnerable areas and make the conscious choice to stop doing
this. Challenge yourself to change your own pattern of dysfunctional
communication. When you slip off into changing the topic,
name calling, sarcasm, withdrawal or compliance, state it
to you partner, Look, I found myself doing _____. Make a commitment
to break the dysfunctional pattern and stick to the positive
ways of communicating. Keep coming back to the topic. Bring
conflict back to the expressing of feelings level and willingness
to negotiate.
These are the basic rules for staying clean while you disagree
with someone. Now go to your corners and come out fighting!
Fair fighting only!
Hold practice sessions with your partner to learn these
stick to the topic and fight fair rules. Practice on topics
that are not highly emotionally involved for both of you.
Focus on improving your communication style instead of trying
to win fights. Remember you, like everyone else, have had
years of practice in the ways of dysfunctional communication.
Keep asking yourself, Do I want to increase intimacy with
my partner or do I want to win? What do I really want? Put
your energy into problem solving at all times. Put your energy
into learning about yourself and your partner.
When the discussion is over, evaluate yourself on how you
did. Don't be a critical judge about your performance. Remember
that you are learning new ways of acting. Be gentle with yourself.
Give yourself credit for every time you remembered to fight
fair. Make a contract with yourself on areas that you still
need to change. Learning to fight fair is about self responsibility!
If you hear your parents speak through your voice when you
are upset, you may be projecting your parents style of fighting
on your mate. Projection is a style of slipping back into
the past because of unresolved childhood issues. When you
project, you confuse unresolved anger felt at your parents
with your mate. There are techniques of hypnosis that can
help you break projecting your anger at your parent on your
current partner. If you have difficulty following these rules
and your anger is highly irrational or so highly threatened
by conflict that you avoid it at any costs, then you are operating
out of the dictates of the unconscious mind. If applying these
fair fighting techniques on your own does not work, then you
may need some professional help to help you break old behavior
patterns that stem from childhood.
Recent research shows that couples break up because they
do not know how to resolve their differences through communication.
Hostility only breeds more hostility. Venting the negative
emotions may clear the air temporarily, but it does not solve
the underlying problem and serves to make it worse. Backing
away from the conflict and ignoring it only sends each partner
into secretiveness, withdraw and isolation. The message becomes
clear--the couple that fights together stays together happily
only if they use the techniques of conflict resolution.
Becoming an observer of yourself during times of confrontation
can give your realms of information about your defensiveness.
Defensiveness is only a signal that you need to learn about
how you protect yourself when you are threatened. You can
learn about yourself and your patterns of coping with threat
and ways to stay present and centered during disagreements.
Bringing a problem to resolution and closure through continued
discussion and compromise is an honorable acts it shows respect
for the needs of both partners. Learning to fight fair and
keep communication open can be an opportunity for growth for
you as an individual and can increase the intimacy between
you and your partner.
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