Do you wonder why you put up with a continually
angry partner, family member or friend? People who
give too much, too soon and too easily often have
neurotic needs that keep them in unhealthy relationships.
Anger, the love addictions and codependency often
go together to keep people in destructive situations.
Anger kills romance and intimacy. It destroys the
trust between two people and fuels betrayal until
the good feelings of love disappear.
Love addictions come out of a neediness to be loved,
which started when the young child was not loved
and cared for in safe and supportive ways. Perhaps
the baby was not wanted and picked up this message
from the parents. Perhaps the child was criticized
and scolded leaving her with a feeling of being
flawed. Maybe she felt that she could never meet
her parent's unrealistic expectations. Or decided
that she was unworthy when she was rejected and
abandoned by those she loved. All of these possibilities
create insecurity and low self esteem in the child.
The person caught in addictive behavior goes through
life trying to feel good but never making it. She
seeks closeness and connection to try to make up
for early feelings of loneliness and abandonment.
And she invariably chooses partners who have anger
and addiction issues of their own.
Anne Wison Schaef, in her book, Escape From Intimacy,
Untangling the 'Love' Addictions: Sex Romance, Relationships,
discusses the role of "love" addictions that underlie
much of the pain of unhealthy relationships. Underneath
the love addictions is the belief of personal unworthiness,
which results in choosing a partner who is fearful
of connection and intimacy. Sex, romance and relationship
addicts are those individuals who lack their own
sense of spirituality and seek their identity in
other people. Their addictive behavior allows them
to avoid personal responsibility for their behavior
and escape intimacy.
Ask yourself why you need to love a person who creates
pain for you. Ask why you care more for him than
you do about your own happiness. Why is your caring
so misguided? You know you can't change your partner.
But you can become stronger, set some limits and
insist on more appropriate behavior from him. Find
the weakness in that prevents you from doing this.
Real love is not about continued pain. It is about
creating a partnership which each person cares and
nurtures the other person.
Codependency is caring too much for another person
who has dysfunctional behavior at the expense of
one's own self. Caring too much and enabling the
other person keeps people in destructive relationships.
Co-dependent people try to get validation from others
and are willing to give themselves away to get it,
as opposed to those who can know their own self-worth
and seek what they need within themselves. Outward
seeking results in a psychological dependency on
the other person due to deep feelings of being unworthy
and undeserving of a better relationship.
According to the consensus of experts in the field
at the First National Conference on Codependency:
"Codependency is a pattern of painful dependence
on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others
in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and identity."
Physical dependency is a stage to be outgrown as
are emotional and psychological dependency. Here
are some of the characteristics of co-dependent
behavior, which are learned coping strategies:
overly sensitive nature being concerned for the
needs of the other person.
on being responsible for others and not looking
at the irresponsibility of one's own behavior.
levels of guilt and beliefs that they are at fault
for anything that goes wrong
in a relationship with a chemically dependent
or disordered personality or another co-dependent
or power addicted person.
of abandonment from that partner resulting in
ignoring important issues, giving in and submissive
lack of self-esteem resulting from inner beliefs
of the sick, martyr, or victim role.
for seeking gratification and validation from
others but not from one's own self.
down of emotions and feelings resulting in emotional
to control others through passive aggressive behavior
Behind the intense caring for another person can
be a hidden need for power and control gone awry.
This is the same power drive that underlies all
addictions. You give up your own personal power
when you pursue any addiction of choice, be it alcohol,
drugs, sex, a person, activity or relationship.
In codependency, the power drive manifests itself
as the need to control the behavior of another person.
It takes the form of rescuing, worrying or obsessing
over the other person. Mental energy is used to
try to control the other person thus ignoring personal
responsibility for one's own problems. "I get to
feel good because I take care of others." is distorted
thinking. If this describes you, see my book, The
are some skills typically taught by assertiveness
classes to break into co-dependent behavior:
stand up and speak assertively when threatened.
say "No", state boundaries and where you draw
leave when boundaries are not respected.
shield against the negative energy of name-calling
break into dissociative states of fear and numbing
use techniques of self-soothing when upset.
identify and name feelings and use the "I formula"
speak feelings appropriately when threatened but
refrain when it's not safe.
deal with others who discount feelings and do
not want to listen.
express anger in safe and productive ways to increase
use anger constructively to bring changes in an
unjust situation (MAD--Make A Difference with
Hooked On Saving the Relationship
People with relationship addictions are stayers.
They put up with anger and inappropriate behavior
of those they care about. They have the mindset
of "My relationship, right or wrong, no matter what."
They are needy and define themselves in terms of
their status within a relationship. They have an
intense need to take care of the relationship just
as they have the co-dependent need to take care
of the other person. They tend to hang in, hold
on and weather the storms and conflicts. The conflictual
nature of the relationship can provide them with
the adrenalin that they need to feel alive. With
their need to invest their energy outside of themselves,
they do all that they can to keep the relationship
intact even though it brings them much personal
pain. They live in romantic illusion and irrational
thinking. The personal values, interests and identity
of the individual are given up in the process of
obsessing over the relationship.
Relationship addictions represent a relinquishment
of individual autonomy to love another human being
no matter what the cost. Loving without setting
limits and boundaries in a loss of personal boundaries.
Fluid boundaries develop between the self and others
making the individual vulnerable to depression,
anxiety and estrangement as she loses her sense
of personal identity.
Boundaries become blurred in symbiotic relationships
where one partner merges with the other. In symbiotic
relationships, another person is used to try to
gain a sense of meaning in life. "I feel powerful
only if I am part of a couple" is the misbelief
that feeds relationship addiction. If the relationship
breaks up, they start all over again by finding
a new relationship or live out life suffering the
pangs of unrequited love.
Control of the other person through jealously and
manipulation to protect the relationship is a hidden
agenda for the relationship addict. Acceptance and
attention by the other person becomes an obsession.
They define themselves in terms of how the relationship
is going. Yet when the relationship is defined by
constant anger, it withers. Anger, when expressed
destructively, prevents intimacy.
Here are some of the characteristics of people caught
in relationship addictions:
of personal interests to focus intensely on the
to change and control the partner to meet one's
own need of being secure in the relationship.
"working on the relationship" as a life style
instead of living life.
reading self-help and how to books and attending
workshops on relationships rather than directly
dealing with their personal immaturity.
a constant crisis to gain the attention of the
committed to saying in the relationship despite
its destructive nature.
a high level of suffering and becoming a master
and sacrificing of personal interests, ethics
yourself to your partner in dependent way and
seeking to make the partner dependent.
another relationship waiting in the wings while
the present one is deteriorating or hanging on
to the past relationship and being unable to move
on with daily life.
bonds, according to Patrick Carnes, psychologist
and authority in sexual addiction, are those ties
that keep people attracted to people that hurt them.
Trauma bonds cause people to obsess about the other
's problem and do not look at how unhealthy their
own life is.
Carnes says you may be caught in a betrayal bond
stay in dangerous relationships, attract friends
or a partner who use you or hurt you.
have to keep secrets or cover up your partner's
anger, abuse or addictions
feel that you have to make your partner understand
how you are and he or she does not care about
people who are truly your friends are worried
about your situation but you are not, you are
partner expects you to isolate from others, meet
every demand, read his or her mind and always
give him or her what is expected.
two of you have destructive fights where behavior
deteriorates to hurting each other with words
or actions instead of trying to solve the problem.
are supporting someone who is financially irresponsible.
have given up your sense of self to meet the needs
of someone who is selfish and uses you.
long for someone from a past relationship that
was unhealthy for you.
Being around violence can cause symptoms similar
to PTSD in partners and children. Emotional angry
outbursts can create confusion, helplessness, insomnia,
anxiety, and stomachaches and other physical symptoms
in those who are present. If you stay in an abusive
relationship, you or the children WILL be affected
mentally and physically.
What you may have viewed as love may be obsess ional,
addictive behavior. Psychological pain is the result
of trying to ignore and deny the process of growth
and not coming to grips with the underlying unresolved
childhood issues. Depression and anxiety can indicate
that you are stuck in belief systems and a lifestyle
that is not right for you. If you have blocked and
repressed your true self, then you will experience
pain. Blocked love and identity loss always turns
to suffering. In blocking the love to yourself,
you must block the healthy type of love with others.
It Hurts All the Time, It Ain't Love
Codependency is a form of trauma bonding. You give
your self away for the relationship and do not object
to the partner's acting out of anger inappropriately
or addictive behaviors. The problem of the other
person's harmful anger then becomes your problem.
You live your life putting up with his bad behavior
Your worry, your pity, your concern for this person
keeps you from looking at your own behavior and
choices. How you react to the angry person's behavior
causes your pain. You allow his misbehavior because
you do not know what to do except "hurt" for him.
And of course you justify it because, he is a "good
person" the rest of the time. Or because you "luv"
As Tina Turner asks, "What does love got to do with
it?" If you are in pain over your relationship a
lot of the time, it ain't love! Not if you feel
sorry for him. Not if you feel achy, overwhelmed
and agitated when you think of him. These heady
feelings are just emotional arousal. They are just
a habit, fear, addiction, dependency or codependency
or a combination of all of these! But they are not
Here is one of the best descriptions of love from
the Bible: "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love
is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or
rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is
not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice
at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all
things, believes all things, hopes all thing, endures
all thing. Love never ends." First Corinthians
The reality is that you choose to stay in a relationship
with an angry person who acts out with inappropriate
verbal and/or physical behavior. You set the bar
of standards for inappropriate behavior too low.
You are desperate about his problem while he gets
off free by avoiding responsibility for his misbehavior.
He goes too far with his anger or drinking, drugging,
womanizing, whatever. Then there is a "honeymoon"
period where he is charming, giving, regretful,
crying, courting you or whatever he does to hook
you back in to feeling sorry for him. This is the
abused spouse syndrome.
Can Jump from One Person to Another
out, because you too can become an abuser. Anger
is contagious and is passed from one person to another.
Resentment builds up when you are subjected to someone's
anger. You may start to fight back. Across time,
people who are abused can become angry and start
to act in aggressive ways. Living with an aggressor,
they take on the energies and behaviors of aggression.
People who have been abused may act out the abuse
in their next relationship. Children who live with
parents who are angry often act the anger out on
others. The "victim" can become the "aggressor"
in other relationships. Abuse and aggression are
learned behaviors that then are acted out on the
weaker members of the family. Thus the cycle of
anger is perpetuated in families. This issue is
discussed in my book, How
to Let Go of Your Mad Baggage listed on
the Angries Out web site.
and Addictions Destroy Relationships and the People
How do you know when your anger-laden relationship
is no longer workable? A relationship is not salvageable
if you have done everything possible to make it
work to no avail. It is impossible to improve a
relationship when one partner is invested in keeping
things they way they are.
A relationship is self destructive if one partner
has severe problems of anger and addictions that
are not addressed: alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling,
adultery and chronic verbal or physical abuse. It
is unworkable when the one partner has done all
that he or she can do to preserve the alliance in
terms of getting personal growth therapy, self-help
groups or couple counseling, and the other person
refuses to admit that there is a problem. It is
unworkable when one partner is emotionally on one's
own and feels stuck in ongoing depression, misery
and physical illness. It cannot work when communication
breaks down completely resulting in pain on one
of both partners' part.
When a relationship has soured to the point of no
return, then it can be considered unworkable. As
Anne Wilson Schaef says, "Dead relationships can
be that--dead relationships." It is dead if you
feel that your spirit is dead when you are with
your partner. It may be past the point of no return
if you cannot be yourself when you are with your
People who care about others do not leave important
relationships easily. They tend to hang on to them
long past the time when they should have moved on
to something healthier. If you have truly done everything
that you could do to stay in the relationship but
nothing changed and you continue to be unhappy,
then you might decide to a healthier life. Learning
about yourself, so that you can succeed in an intimate
relationship, is a challenging task. Look long and
hard at your romantic illusions.
to Determine the Quality of Your Relationship
Recently the psychological research is examining
couples to better understand how people function.
Robert Sternberg who is a psychologist and researcher
on the concept of love has developed a list of questions
to help determine the quality of a present or past
relationship. Here are some ideas from his research
plus others in the field.
Ask yourself these questions to determine the qualities
of your thoughts about the relationship. Answer
the questions honestly from both your point and
your partner's point of view. Be realistic as you
describe how you think your partner feels. This
assignment can be an eye opener!
Write a few sentences on each question. Write out
the answers and ask your partner (if he is willing)
to do the same. If he refuses, write the answer
from his point of view and try to capture his way
of thinking. Sharing these questions and answers
can be an avenue of opening up lines of communication.
How is the stress and anger in the relationship
affecting your physical and emotional health?
How does the anger affect the children or other
How much time do you spend recovering from your
partner's anger? What are the abusive behaviors
that you and your partner engage in? Does the
relationship give you what you need in terms of
emotional support? Do you get sufficient rewards
from your partner? What is the cost/benefit ratio
of your relationship?
Is your partner unable or unwilling to give you
the support and love that you deserve? If so,
is it because he does not have the resources to
give or that you have not been able to ask for
what you want?
Are you being reinforced once in a while? Do short
periods of calm and contrite behavior on your
partner's part carry more weight in keeping you
in the relationship?
Is the pattern of giving and receiving within
the relationship equitable for both partners?
If not, what can you realistically do to change
Do you and your partner have the same values?
Are there serious value conflicts that are unresolvable?
Do you justify staying in the relationship because
of your past investment in it and amount of time
that you have given to it? Do you stay out of
habit or guilt rather than because you want to?
Is your commitment to staying based on how things
used to be or how things are now? Is it based
on how things are or how you wish they would be?
How long have you been hoping things will get
Do you and your partner have the same type of
friends? Do the differing values of each other's
friends pull and tug at the relationship?
Have the two of you been through bad times before
and resolved your problems? Or were the problems
just swept under the rug to continue?
When you think of the future together, is it more
trials and tribulations or can you see yourselves
pulling through this bad period?
Is there sufficient trust between you so that
the relationship can survive? Is the anger due
to past betrayal between you so strong that you
cannot forgive each other?
Do you still respect each other? Do you still
like each other? Liking your partner is an important
part of love.
Is the relationship alive? Does it have positive
energy or is it dead? Does helping save the relationship
exist in your mind only?
Are there obsessive qualities to your loving your
partner? If those obsessive thoughts would disappear,
would the caring still be there for you? Does
obsession substitute for love?
Do you love the other person as she is or are
you still trying to change him? How many times
a day do you think about changing him? How much
of your attachment is unresolved codependency?
Are you looking to the other person to give you
salvation in the relationship? Are you expecting
him to give you what you cannot give yourself?
Does the relationship represent your feeling good
How do you cope with the stresses of the relationship?
What patterns of excusing, avoiding, blaming,
distracting, ignoring or problem solving do you
and your partner have?
What amount of intimacy does each of you need?
What is your style of loving? Does it mesh with
How much do you care about your partner's needs
and what happens to him? How much does he care
about your needs? Is the caring equitable?
What addictive behaviors do you and your partner
engage in? How do you act differently under the
control of alcohol or drugs?
How much are each of you committed to the growth
and maturity of the other person? Does the attachment
to your partner stifle your own growth? Do you
foster dependence or do you encourage independence
and individuality for each other?
Are you and your partner capable of the personal
changes it will take to make the relationship
Do you and your partner have a plan to carry out
the necessary changes? Are you and your partner
committed to do the hard work to save the relationship?
Are you willing to get some outside help and stop
denying that the relationship will get better
on its own?
How do you feel writing about these issues? Which
question caused you the greatest insight, pain
And one more question. Why are you reading this
If you find yourself stumbling on these questions
but choose to stay in the relationship, it back
to business as usual. Unless YOU or your partner
drastically changes, the anger level of your partner
will probably not change.
to Leave a Chronically Unhealthy Relationship
How do you know when to leave a situation that is
continually unhappy for you? For some, there is
a sudden decision after a specific incident that
has been demoralizing. Others need many small decisions
points going back and forth for some time before
they make up their mind that things are unbearable.
As alcoholics need to reach a bottom before deciding
to change their drinking habits, people with relationship
addiction need to hit bottom emotionally. Some people
need to make the decision to leave time and time
again after each attempt to resolve the problems
in the relationships fails. Sometimes it takes many
years to reach this decision.
Caring people typically stay too long in unhappy
relationships due to their high levels of guilt.
Some people have an excess of guilt and shame that
keeps them from moving on. Guilt rules their life.
They stay and take abuse to keep themselves from
feeling bad. They can also have an erroneous belief
that they cannot hurt the other person's feelings.
This skewed way of thinking blocks their common
sense-it can be so strong that they allow damage
to be done to children and themselves because they
don't want to hurt someone else. When someone you
love is actively hurting others, let them know.
It won't hurt them to have their feelings hurt and
they may actually learn to become a better person.
If you are caught in an unhealthy relationship due
to your high levels of guilt read Emotional Blackmail:
When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation
and Guilt by Susan Forward, How Good Do We
Have to Be? and New Understandings of Guilt
and Forgiveness by Harold Kushman.
Harville Hendrix in his book, Getting the Love
you Want: A Guide for Couples, urges married
people to stay together to work out their issues.
This approach to marriage counseling believes that
your partner is the right person to help you heal
your childhood wounds. With this approach, many
marriages can be saved. However, Hendrix says there
are three reasons to leave a relationship: The Three
As. There are severe abuse, severe adultery and
severe addictions. These three extreme conditions
rarely change. Only you can decide what emotional
baggage you are willing to live with.
Before you make the decision to leave, invest in
couples counseling. Counseling can help you learn
the necessary skills of how to do a better job of
living in relationship. Even if the relationship
does not survive, you can learn how you contributed
to the partnership getting out of balance.
or Stay Differently
Exiting from the pain of an unproductive relationship
comes down to a matter of two choices: to leave
or to stay differently. You can change whom you
are with or you can change the beliefs that keep
you caught in an unhealthy situation, thus changing
the relationship. When you change your beliefs to
healthier one such as those in an open system, you
can stay within the relationship and make things
better. Get the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship:
How to Recognize It, How to Respond to It by
Patricia Evans and learn about stopping the cycle
If you choose to stay, then you will need to learn
a new set of skills to balance out that inequality
of power. You will need to learn to move past the
passivity in which you have been caught. As the
sage said, "In this enormous room of your life,
there must be an exit from pain. Your responsibility
must be to pass through that door." Read my companion
article on the Angries Out web site called When
You Live with an Angry Partner.
Reasons You Stay Stuck:
Sometimes others outside yourself can see what your
problems are in your relationship and you can't.
When you continue doing the same thing, which results
in more unhappiness and pain for yourself, you are
in denial. You may have a Psychological Reversal.
Psychological Reversals are pervasive mental blocks
that prevent you from making changes that are in
your best interests. They are areas of yourself
where you cannot change and do not understand what
is happening to you. They are the dogmatic self-limiting
beliefs, which keep you stuck, even when you want
to act differently. They usually are in the subconscious
mind and you are not aware of them. They are what
you cannot see about yourself in continuing unhealthy
behaviors and relationships. They are hidden way
excuses and ingenious reasons for staying as is!
Often they are programmed into the child who was
naive and open to condemning judgments of others
who learned to feel worthless and helpless.
Ask yourself, "What is my excuse for not changing?
What part of me is afraid of change? What is the
underlying fear that keeps me from changing this
situation that hurts others and myself? Why have
I given in repeatedly to someone else's anger?"
The following list gives the most common reasons
people stay stuck. These are the Psychological Reversals
that prevent you from making the necessary changes
for you to be happy in life. Down deep somewhere
inside of you, not rocking the boat is serving you
in some perverse way.
Be honest now. There are reasons why you do not
make changes. Your objections to change have to
do your deepest fears. Check the self-limiting beliefs
that prevent the release of your long-term problem.
Then do the tapping and eye roll procedure listed
below on each objection that you have for not being
able to change.
Doubt, Readiness and Willingness
____ I am NOT READY to eliminate this problem
____ I DO NOT DESERVE to get over this problem
____ I AM UNWILLING to get over this problem
____ I CANNOT GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to get over
____ I MAY TRY AND STILL NOT GET OVER this problem
____ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LET GO of this problem
____ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS RIGHT to let go
of my problem
____ I will have to STOP DENYING THAT MY PROBLEM
is not important
____ I will LOSE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IMPORTANT
If I get over this problem
____ I will have to BECOME MORE
ASSERTIVE AND SAY NO
____ I will have to HURT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS
____ I will have to be ASSERTIVE AND CONFRONT SOMEONE
____ I will have to GIVE UP MY IMAGE OF BEING THE
GOOD GUY OR GOOD GAL
____ I will have to STOP CARING MORE ABOUT OTHER
PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS THAN MY OWN
____ I will have to start TAKING BETTER CARE OF
____ I will have to STOP BEATING MYSELF UP AND FOCUS
ON THE SOLUTIONS
____ I CAN'T MEET MY OWN NEEDS AND OTHERS at the
____ I will have to GIVE UP MY BELIEF THAT I AM
NOT COMPLETE WITHOUT THE ONE I LOVE
____ I may have to BREAK MY CODEPENDENT UNHEALTHY,
ATTACHMENTS WITH LOVED ONES
____ I may have to GIVE UP UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
____ I may have to GIVE UP POSITIVE ILLUSIONS
____ I may be HARMED IF I CONFRONT MY PARTNER
____ I may have to LIVE ALONE IF I CONRONT MY PARTNER
____ I will have TO ADMIT WHAT I HAVE BEEN DENYING
MY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
____ I will no longer BE ABLE TO FOOL MYSELF ABOUT
MY PARTNER'S ACTIONS
____ I will have to STOP USING MY CONCERN ABOUT
MY PARNTER AND FACE MY REAL ISSUES
Shortened Collar Bone Breathing Technique
This technique helps break into lockages of the
breath that may have happened when you were frightened.
The deep breathing technique puts a strong vibration
in your body and helps you forgive yourself for
settling for less.
Address each harmful belief that has kept you stuck
and do this technique to release any blockages in
your breath around this issue. Put the fist of your
right hand on your right collarbone.
Make a fist with your left hand. Use the knuckles
on your left hand to tap on the back of your right
hand about 1 inch below the web between the little
and fourth finger. Your left hand taps on your right
hand, and your right hand taps on your collarbone
simultaneously. Change hands and go to the other
side of your collarbone when they feel tired in
the first position.
Don't worry about whether you are doing this technique
right or not. Just do it to the best of your ability,
and maybe something will shift in you. Do not use
this technique if you have wrist injuries or carpel
Repeat to yourself: "I deeply and profoundly
love, forgive and accept myself, even though a part
of me believes…. (Say the Psychological Reversal
objection identified above.)
I choose to stop my self-judgment and limiting
belief. I can correct this error and learn from
it. I deeply and profoundly love, forgive and accept
myself, even though.... (Say the Psychological
Reversal objection from above.)
Take a long, slow deep breath in and hold. Breathe
deeply from your belly. Release slowly and blow
it out your mouth. Push out any emotion or stuck
breath that you feel.
Take a half breath in and hold. Take another half
breath in and hold. Let half the breath out through
your mouth and hold. Let the rest of the breath
out and release.
Take small, rapid, flutter breaths in as you breath
in up, up, up, up as if you are singing up a musical
scale. Then blow the small breaths out your mouth
as you go down a musical scale. Repeat the small
breathing up and then down, while you think of your
unhealthy way of coping. Forgive yourself for having
the belief and tell yourself you did the best that
You may have to work this exercise many times to
get to the bottom of your limiting beliefs. What
do you have to lose except your time? To quote Tina
Turner again, "I'm looking for my own protection.
I'm heading in a new direction."
in a New Direction
Change is always hard even when it is crucial. If
you find necessary change hard, read Who Moved
My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson. Once you have
shattered the unwholesome beliefs that you have
adopted about yourself, practice new skills of assertive
behavior. Knowing is only part of your transformation.
Your task will be to go and do what you know. Assertiveness
needs practice just like any new skill of learning.
Change is prompted by people who want it and decide
to make it happen. You need some support to make
positive change in your life. Find friends who will
support your through your transition. New friends
who come into your life when you are ready to make
change are called 'transition people." They may
or may not become a permanent part of your life,
but they are there to provide some cheerleading
for you when you need it the most.
Whether you leave or stay in your relationship,
your responsibility is to take care of your own
negative feelings. Raise your bar of being treated
with respect. Insist that you be treated fairly.
You can't change your partner. But you can get a
better life for yourself. Stop blurring the boundaries
between you and your loved one. Do more positive
things for yourself. Use the tools of transformation
such as education, meditation, psychotherapy, support
groups and assertiveness training. Find out your
interests and follow them. Discover who you are-your
strengths, creativity and source of wisdom.
As my teenage daughter told me when I started to
change after living with an unhappy, angry man,
"Go for it! Mom. Go for it!" I wish the same for
you as you grow and change to make your life a happy
one. "Go for it!"
Carnes, Patrick. Contrary to Love, Understanding
Minneapolis, MN. Compcare, l989. Carnes, Patrick.
Trauma Bonds See his web site at http://sagetimes.com
Elgin, Suzette. You Can't Say that to Me: Stopping
the Pain of Verbal Abuse.
Engel, Beverly. Encouragements for the Emotionally
Engel, Beverly. The Emotionally Abused Woman:
Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself.
Evans, Patricia. Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak
Out on Relationships and Recovery.
Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship:
How to Recognize It and How to Respond to It.
Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail: When the
People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt
Grad-Powers, Marcia and Ellis, Albert. The Secret
of Overcoming Verbal Abuse.
Hassen, Steven. Combating Mind Control. Rochester,
VT: Oak Street Press, l988.
Jampolsky, Gerald. Goodbye to Guilt. Bantam
Johnson, Spencer. Who Moved My Cheese?
Ketterman, Grace. Healing the Hidden Wound.
Ketterman, Grace. Verbal Abuse: Escape from
Intimacy: Untangling the "Love" Addictions: Sex,
Romance, Relationships, 1989.
Miller, Mary Susan. No Visible Wounds: Identifying
Nonphysical Abuse of Women by their Men.
Namka, Lynne. The Doormat Syndrome, Authors
Namka, Lynne. The Mad Family Gets Their Mads
Out, Talk Trust and Feel Press, 1997.
Kushman, Harold. How Good Do We Have to Be New
Understandings of Guilt and Forgiveness
Real, Terrance. How Can I Get Through to You?
Wilson Schaef, Anne. Escape From Intimacy: Untangling
the "Love" Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships.
San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row, l989.
Women and Verbal Abuse Bookstore http://www.cyberparent.com/abuse/femalemental.htm
Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Advice Site http://www.drirene.com/abuserpages.htm