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Talk, Trust & Feel
Therapeutics |
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Dr.
Lynne Namka
Licensed Psychologist |
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www.AngriesOut.com
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of Denial of Anger
Lynne Namka, Ed. D © 2001
Why are people so unlikely to
know and act on their own problems? To get to the root of denial and resistance,
we must look at fear. Resistance is about fear of change, fear of failure
and fear of success. In any event, the biggest “F Word” of all is FEAR!
Fear of the unknown is pretty spooky stuff. It manifests as the belief of
“The rut I am in is more comfortable than the rut I might jump into next.
It is accompanied with the fear of knowing what is dark and rank about me.”
Resistance often uses the defense of denial with accompanying beliefs
to accomplish the task of keeping things hidden away under wraps. Denial
and resistance are multifaceted and may move back and forth as belief
systems shift to protect the fragile state of the self. The refusal to
know the truth about ones self functions in a person’s life to keep the
person’s shame balloon from being punctured.
People never cease to amaze me. Over the years I’ve puzzled over why
with all the good information we have more people don’t live lives that
are mentally healthy. More specific, why people don’t address their anger
problems when it so obvious that it is in their best interests to do so.
To decrease my confusion, I’ve become a life long student about the problem
of resistance. The story I heard years ago that helped the most was about
staying in the status quo.
There is a lovely story going around about George, an ogre who was caught
in a rut. No ordinary rut this. It was lined with prickly pear cactus
and filled with cow dung. But George didn’t see that he was in a rut.
It looked just like any other place to him although he was pretty miserable
sitting there. Of course he did holler and scream a lot and cuss others
out.
Yet it was familiar so he didn’t worry about his anger and his assigned
place in life. He didn’t get it that there might be a better way to live.
As the saying goes, “It is important not to mistake the edge of a rut
for a horizon.’
His friend, Albert came by, scoped the situation out and tried to help.
He stretched his front leg down to the George to try to pull him out.
George lost his temper and hollered at Albert. He shook his head and said.
“ You are doing it all wrong. How many times do I have to tell you? I
don’t have a problem.”
Albert tried again. He extended his hind leg down. George just yelled
and screamed and blamed Albert. “I still can’t reach you. You stupid nitwit.
It is too hard. Why don’t you jump down here and I’ll climb on your back
and jump out?”
“Well, I may be co-dependent, but I’m not stupid!” said the Albert and
he went merrily on his way.
Suddenly Albert heard “Hey, wait a minute,” behind him. He turned around
and there hopping furiously was George. “What happened? Albert said. “How
did you get out? I thought you liked it where you were in cow dung city.”
George replied, “Well, it was pretty familiar. But then there I was
feeling sorry for myself and all of a sudden I heard a truck coming!”
Life sometimes imitates this story. Some ruts are sticky, smelly and
stinky but people continue to stay in them. Sometimes it does take a big
truck a coming, for a person to change. Then, hopefully he can find an
emotional process that helps him see himself differently so that he can
jump out of his rut! Some ruts are pretty deep. And they can be comfortable
places, even more so than looking at the possibility of what made caused
the getting in the rut in the first place.
Resistance and Staying In Ruts
So what is resistance? The famous psychologist Rollo May said, “Therapists
best aid their patients by evoking their resistances.” Resistance keeps
the person from knowing their pain. Some therapists feel impatient when
it comes up in therapy. Resistance is” I am afraid to try. I am frightened
to know that I am angry because it is so bad and dark. I must protect
myself from knowing about the deepest hidden part of me.” As Pogo said,
“We have met the enemy and he is us.” In truth, the more we allow clients
and ourselves to discover the enemy which is fear and the related behavior
of the resistance and denial, the better mental health we can help others
achieve.
Most resistant people avoid psychotherapy like the plague. However,
a few do come for help with the hidden agenda of “Help me/ don’t help
me.” Resistant people who present themselves for therapy yet dodge the
help offered are no more worse off than other people. They may just have
deeper shame about not measuring up to what they think they should be.
And deeper terror of what they might find out. Yet their pain is so great
that they do come to the sessions, at least part of the time. The dance
of resistant clients is “I want to get better but I’m afraid to know....”
Some part of the person wants the help but their other parts that are
in charge are frightened to look at the deep shame about their anger,
which hides inside.
Resistance is about shame and not wanting to be exposed. The balloon
of shame inside is like a big lead ball, an ogre, which cannot even, be
known about. Yet it does have purpose. Virginia Satir often said, “All
behavior has purpose.” What are some of the payoffs for remaining stuck
in the rut of not knowing about the pain? Welt and Herron give some ideas
about typical reasons for resistance.
To get to the root of resistance, we must look at fear. Resistance is
about fear of change, fear of failure and fear of success. In any event,
the biggest “F Word” of all is FEAR! Fear of the unknown is pretty spooky
stuff. It manifests as the belief of “The rut I am in is more comfortable
than the rut I might jump into next if I know what is dark and rank about
me.” Resistance often uses the defense of denial with accompanying beliefs
to accomplish the task of keeping things hidden away under wraps.
I learned the most about the refusal to know about the destructive elements
of one’s self years ago in a workshop by Psychologist, Ken Moses. Denial
is not a single concept; it is multifaceted and may move back and forth
as belief systems shift to protect the fragile state of the self. Resistance
and the refusal to know about one’s anger functions in a person’s life
to keep the person’s shame balloon from being punctured.
Layers of Knowing--The Interplay Between the Shameful
Reality and Soothing Denial
One of my favorite teaching tools is a monkey with a bottle stuck on
its hand sitting on a chair in my office. Of course everyone wonders about
it asking why the monkey has e a bottle on its hand. It is the old monkey
trap story of how hunters in Africa trapped monkeys by putting bananas
in a bottle. The money keeps his hand doubled up in the bottle holding
on to the banana. Because he refuses to open his hand and let go, he can’t
go get the good stuff out there like bananas.
We all have stuff we are holding onto that keeps us from getting the
bananas and making us happy. So I ask, “And what are you holding on to
today to prevent your happiness?” If it is anger, then you are sure to
have an unhappy life.
Ah, denial and resistance, lovely coping mechanisms to avoid change!
But remember the old saying, “What you resist, persists!” Or the bumper
sticker, which says, “If you keep on doing the same old thing, you will
end up with the same old stuff!” Much better to put the bumper sticker,
“Shift Happens” on your personal vehicle.
Resistance as Friend
But wait! Modern psychology says that here is a silver lining behind
those dark clouds of resistance. Resistance can be seen as the avenue
for learning! Virginia Satir called symptoms “the access to the reframing
of the disorder.” Resistance is classified by therapists Welt and Herron
as “.... the obstacle, symbol, vehicle for change, and indispensable tool
to move the therapy forward.” Exploration of the resistance becomes a
goal in itself for understanding the deeper hidden agendas of the psyche.
Denial is to be examined to find the truth behind it. Resistance is
to be explored, not dodged if a person want to feel better about them
self. Even Freud called resistance a handy tool to the unconscious mind
to allow learning about the patient’s inner life.
No easy task, especially if several of the above stated reasons for
avoiding looking at resistance are operating in a life, but there it is
folks. Anger can be transformed into assertiveness and learning to see
things from the other person’s point of view. In understanding resistance
in looking at one’s faults and character flaws, we can learn how to mine
the gold hidden in all the rubbish!
We Are As Healthy As We Are Ready To Take Responsibility
For Our Own Thoughts And Behaviors!
I do not have a problem. I AM NOT ANGRY.
Don't tell me about.... I don't want to hear about this. NO PROBLEM!
I AM NOT YELLING!!!!!
So I yell a lot. The situation is not bad enough to warrant my making
any changes.
Yes, I’ve got a temper but it's not important. My getting mad doesn’t
mean anything.
My anger does not hurt my kids or my spouse.
I’ve never hit anyone. My temper doesn’t matter as long as I don’t hit
anyone.
Yes, I know it is important but I just don't feel anything.
I'm immobilized. I can't seem to deal with this. It is hopeless. Why
try to change it?
This is too terrible. I can't let anyone know. I know it but the shame
is so great.
I can’t admit my anger to anyone else. I can’t get help. I'm too embarrassed.
My anger is temporary.
I’ll get better soon on my own.
Even thought I’m xxx years old and haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll
do better.
I can work it out myself. I don’t need help from anyone.
I’ll try harder and I won’t be angry anymore. I can change.
Don’t tell me I need to get an anger coach or therapist.
I don’t need help with this; I can take care of this myself.
Yes, there’s a significant problem. I'm angry about it, but I can't
pay the price for change.
I can't change how I am. I am helpless in changing how I feel.
I’m an angry person. I can’t change it.
Get used to it. I don’t have the ability to change.
I’m right when I get angry. Why should I change?
If I stop getting angry, I won’t get what I want.
It is okay for me to tell others what to do. And it is okay to get mad
if they don’t do it.
Well, it is her fault. If she didn’t go xxxx, I wouldn’t get angry.
I’m mad because he/she did xxxx.
If he/she/they would change, I would not be so angry.
Being Human We Are, After All, Sometimes Irrational People