Anger
Is One Reaction To An Event That Represents
A Stress, Threat or Loss to You
The stress, threat or loss can be real or we can make it up
in our mind.
Anger
reactions happen when there is a stress, threat or loss to
our...
-
Body
-
Property
- Self
esteem
- Values
- Or
when we didn't get what we wanted. Entitlement--'I want
it. You owe me. Give it to me now or I'll get angry'
Some Dynamics of Anger
- We
become more angry when we are stress and body resources
are down.
- We
are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
- We
are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a
child.
- We
often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't
stand in ourselves.
- Underneath
many current angers are old disappointments, traumas and
triggers.
- Sometimes
we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
- We
get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved
situation from the past.
- We
often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar
content, words or energy that we have felt before.
"I
Need to Be Right" Way of Thinking
Which Accompanies Much Anger
One
of life's biggest setups is living with the belief that your
way is the only way. People who are constantly threatened
when others question their actions live a limited life. Living
life always on the defense is no fun! People who are prone
to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations
and behaviors. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of
the following characteristics, the more angry you will have:
_____ An insatiable need to be right
_____ A deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to control others
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know" and "I was wrong"
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The neurotic need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing feelings
_____ Fear of being vulnerable
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
Things To Think About Right Now!
- As
you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn
to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You
don't have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only
feelings. They come and go. The best thing to do with
uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then
learn from them.
-
-
As
you release your need to only see things in the way that
you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities
and adventures in your life.
-
As
you let go of your need to control others, you have more
energy to spend on things that are really important. Life
is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making
things right in the world!
-
As
you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement
your rational side making you a full functioning human
being.
-
As
you relinquish self-centeredness and look to the needs
of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness.
-
As
you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe
through strict, rigid thinking", you have more self-understanding.
-
As
you let go of your need to be right, you find you have
more of a Self. You become more secure and are less upset
when things don't go the way you want. Life becomes less
threatening. You see things in new and different ways.
You become happier.
There Is A Progression Of Anger Build Up
Catch
And Interrupt Your Anger In The Early Stages
-
Irritation
-
Frustration
- Anger
- Rage
- Aggression
Remember
it is normal to be human. Anger is a necessary part of the
human species. However, it's not fair to hurt others or yourself
with your negative emotions.
It makes sense to try to catch your anger at the irritation
and frustration stages before it builds up to humongous amounts
and leads to a blow up or major stuffing in your body.
Be in touch with your angry emotions. Your body will clue
you in to your feelings if you observe your tension patterns.
Own your anger. Call it by name.
Look for new and creative ways to speak it assertively and
then release. The more up front you can be with others, the
happier you will be. Make verbal contracts with those around
you to speak about your anger in constructive ways. Make your
family a "Speak your feelings kind of family!"
Keep looking for innovative ways that you can use your anger
in ways that do not hurt you or others. Become a lifelong
student on the dynamics of negativity as it plays itself out
in your life. You can change and become a master over your
anger.
What
Does Your Body Do When You Are Angry?
____ Adrenalin rush
____ Heart races
____ Body temperature goes hot or cold
____ Muscle tension
___ shoulders tense
___ jaw tightens
___ knots in stomach
___ arms and legs
___ clenched fists
___ all over
____ Agitation/shaking
Anger May Be Only The Top Layer
What Other Emotions Lurk Under Your Anger?
_____ Fear
_____ Hurt
_____ Guilt
_____ Sad
_____ Confusion
_____ Overwhelmed
_____ Startled
_____ Restlessness
_____ Envy
_____ Hate
What Meaning Do Your Give To The Event
That Makes You Angry?
What
You Say To Yourself About The Event
Determines Your Anger Response
- Anger
Outers-- You Turn Your Anger On the Other Person and Become
an Aggressor
- I'll
show him
- It's
not fair
- That
jerk #%*&
- I
hate him
- I'll
show him
-
-
Inner
Angers--You Become a Victim by Beating Yourself Up or
Allowing Others To Beat You Up
- I'm
devalued
- I'm
exposed
- He
doesn't care
- I'm
wrong
- I'm
guilty (bad)
-
Withdrawal/Hide
from Threat or Stressor--You Run Away and Don't Deal With
It
- I
can't deal with this
- This
is danger
- I'm
being attacked
- Let
me out of here
-
Divert/Scatter
the Energy of the Threat or Stressor--You Change the Subject
- Let's
joke
- I'll
divert attention
- I
feel sick
-
Deal
With It! Good Mental Health Statements To Keep You Focused
When Upset
- I'm
in charge here
- I'll
breathe and deal with this
- I
feel___ when you___
- We
can talk about this
- I
can handle this
- Let's
take time out to cool down and come back
- I'm
safe. It's okay
- Yes,
I'm angry and I'll just watch what I'm thinking
These statements are called resilient words. They empower
you by reminding you that you are in charge not your anger.
Change Your Anger Coping Responses To A Higher Level
Move Your Anger Responses to Self Empowering Ones!
There Are Many Different Ways People
Respond to Threat, Stress and Loss:
- The
Most Harmful Tactics are Used to Intimidate Others
- Physically
assault others to intimidate them
- Scold,
lecture and verbally abuse others
- Nurse
your anger by holding grudges
- Engage
in revenge thoughts and behaviors
- Displace
your anger on people who are weaker than the one which
whom you are angry
- Criticize
and put the blame on others. Refuse to see your part
of the situation
- Use
the silent treatment, cold stares, sighs and eye rolls.
- Cuss
and call names
- Use
sarcastic remarks to show your superiority
- Manipulate
the other person to get what you want
-
Turn
Your Anger on Yourself
- Physically
harm yourself
- Blame
yourself and beat yourself up
- Deny
anger and stuff your feelings
- Shut
down your mind and numb out
- Use
alcohol, drugs or food to numb out or get high when
you are angry
- Hit
the wall
- Drive
recklessly
- Run
away and never address important issues.
- Never
get closure and keep storing up the anger
-
Empower
Yourself: Use Positive Ways to Deal With Anger
- Use
humor to defuse the tension in the situation
- Put
anger on a safe, inanimate object (punching bag, large
rubber ball or pillow)
- Use
movement and exercise to release anger
- Write
or draw out your negative feelings
- Share
feelings and talk your anger out. "I feel angry, when
you _____"
- Confront
others appropriately and set boundaries with them
- Problem
solve the situation
- Leave
unhealthy situations. Take a take time out to cool
down then come back to talk
- Take
constructive action. Change the word mad to mean "make
a difference"
- Breathe!
center and calm yourself so you can think clearly
- Learn
about your self and the other person
- Observe
what you are doing. Watch your reactions, thoughts
& feelings
- Change
the meaning you gave the angering event
These latter reactions are the most helpful and healthy. They
increase your self esteem by allowing you to be in control,
not your anger!
Do you do the same old thing over and over with your anger?
Here's a challenge. See if you can increase the number of
anger responses you have instead of doing the same-o, same-o
thing each time.
Move more of your anger responses into ones that empower you.
Make a conscious choice to use positive anger responses!
Remember, it's OK to be angry.
It's what you do with it that counts.
Instead of doing the same negative response all the time,
increase the number of your anger responses.
Make more of your anger responses healthy.
Decrease your anger responses that hurt you or others.
Move your anger responses to ones which empower you.
References:
How To Let Go of Your Mad Baggage
by Lynne Namka.
Back to Angries Out
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