A Primer on Anger
Getting a Handle on Your Mads
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © l997
Anger Is One Reaction To An Event That
Represents
A Stress, Threat or Loss to You
The stress, threat or loss can be real or we can make
it up in our mind.
Anger reactions happen when there is a stress,
threat or loss to our...
- Body
- Property
- Self esteem
- Values
- Or when we didn't get what we wanted. Entitlement--'I
want it. You owe me. Give it to me now or I'll get angry'
Some Dynamics of Anger
- We become more angry when we are stress and body resources
are down.
- We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
- We are often angry when we didn't get what we needed
as a child.
- We often become angry when we see a trait in others
we can't stand in ourselves.
- Underneath many current angers are old disappointments,
traumas and triggers.
- Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
- We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved
situation from the past.
- We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a
similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
"I Need to Be Right" Way of Thinking
Which Accompanies Much Anger
One of life's biggest setups is living with the belief that
your way is the only way. People who are constantly threatened
when others question their actions live a limited life. Living
life always on the defense is no fun! People who are prone
to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations
and behaviors. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of
the following characteristics, the more angry you will have:
_____ An insatiable need to be right
_____ A deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to control others
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know" and "I was wrong"
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The neurotic need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing feelings
_____ Fear of being vulnerable
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
Things To Think About Right Now!
- As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can
learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you.
You don't have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are
only feelings. They come and go. The best thing to do
with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and
then learn from them.
- As you release your need to only see things in the way
that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities
and adventures in your life.
- As you let go of your need to control others, you have
more energy to spend on things that are really important.
Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making
things right in the world!
- As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement
your rational side making you a full functioning human
being.
- As you relinquish self-centeredness and look to the
needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness.
- As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be
safe through strict, rigid thinking", you have more self-understanding.
- As you let go of your need to be right, you find you
have more of a Self. You become more secure and are less
upset when things don't go the way you want. Life becomes
less threatening. You see things in new and different
ways. You become happier.
There Is A Progression Of Anger Build Up
Catch And Interrupt Your Anger
In The Early Stages
- Irritation
- Frustration
- Anger
- Rage
- Aggression
Remember it is normal to be human. Anger is a necessary part
of the human species. However, it's not fair to hurt others
or yourself with your negative emotions.
It makes sense to try to catch your anger at the irritation
and frustration stages before it builds up to humongous
amounts and leads to a blow up or major stuffing in your
body.
Be in touch with your angry emotions. Your body will clue
you in to your feelings if you observe your tension patterns.
Own your anger. Call it by name.
Look for new and creative ways to speak it assertively
and then release. The more up front you can be with others,
the happier you will be. Make verbal contracts with those
around you to speak about your anger in constructive ways.
Make your family a "Speak your feelings kind of family!"
Keep looking for innovative ways that you can use your
anger in ways that do not hurt you or others. Become a lifelong
student on the dynamics of negativity as it plays itself
out in your life. You can change and become a master over
your anger.
What Does Your Body Do When You Are Angry?
____ Adrenalin rush
____ Heart races
____ Body temperature goes hot or cold
____ Muscle tension
___ shoulders tense
___ jaw tightens
___ knots in stomach
___ arms and legs
___ clenched fists
___ all over
____ Agitation/shaking
Anger May Be Only The Top Layer
What Other Emotions Lurk Under Your Anger?
_____ Fear
_____ Hurt
_____ Guilt
_____ Sad
_____ Confusion
_____ Overwhelmed
_____ Startled
_____ Restlessness
_____ Envy
_____ Hate
What Meaning Do Your Give To The Event
That Makes You Angry?
What You Say To Yourself About The Event
Determines Your Anger Response
- Anger Outers-- You Turn Your Anger On
the Other Person and Become an Aggressor
- I'll show him
- It's not fair
- That jerk #%*&
- I hate him
- I'll show him
- Inner Angers--You Become a Victim by Beating
Yourself Up or Allowing Others To Beat You Up
- I'm devalued
- I'm exposed
- He doesn't care
- I'm wrong
- I'm guilty (bad)
- Withdrawal/Hide from Threat or Stressor--You
Run Away and Don't Deal With It
- I can't deal with this
- This is danger
- I'm being attacked
- Let me out of here
- Divert/Scatter the Energy of the Threat
or Stressor--You Change the Subject
- Let's joke
- I'll divert attention
- I feel sick
- Deal With It! Good Mental Health Statements
To Keep You Focused When Upset
- I'm in charge here
- I'll breathe and deal with this
- I feel___ when you___
- We can talk about this
- I can handle this
- Let's take time out to cool down and come back
- I'm safe. It's okay
- Yes, I'm angry and I'll just watch what I'm thinking
These statements are called resilient words. They empower
you by reminding you that you are in charge not your anger.
Change Your Anger Coping Responses To
A Higher Level
Move Your Anger Resp onses to Self Empowering Ones!
There Are Many Different Ways People
Respond to Threat, Stress and Loss:
- The Most Harmful Tactics are Used to
Intimidate Others
- Physically assault others to intimidate them
- Scold, lecture and verbally abuse others
- Nurse your anger by holding grudges
- Engage in revenge thoughts and behaviors
- Displace your anger on people who are weaker than
the one which whom you are angry
- Criticize and put the blame on others. Refuse to
see your part of the situation
- Use the silent treatment, cold stares, sighs and
eye rolls.
- Cuss and call names
- Use sarcastic remarks to show your superiority
- Manipulate the other person to get what you want
- Turn Your Anger on Yourself
- Physically harm yourself
- Blame yourself and beat yourself up
- Deny anger and stuff your feelings
- Shut down your mind and numb out
- Use alcohol, drugs or food to numb out or get
high when you are angry
- Hit the wall
- Drive recklessly
- Run away and never address important issues.
- Never get closure and keep storing up the anger
- Empower Yourself: Use Positive Ways
to Deal With Anger
- Use humor to defuse the tension in the situation
- Put anger on a safe, inanimate object (punching
bag, large rubber ball or pillow)
- Use movement and exercise to release anger
- Write or draw out your negative feelings
- Share feelings and talk your anger out. "I feel
angry, when you _____"
- Confront others appropriately and set boundaries
with them
- Problem solve the situation
- Leave unhealthy situations. Take a take time out
to cool down then come back to talk
- Take constructive action. Change the word mad
to mean "make a difference"
- Breathe! center and calm yourself so you can think
clearly
- Learn about your self and the other person
- Observe what you are doing. Watch your reactions,
thoughts & feelings
- Change the meaning you gave the angering event
These latter reactions are the most helpful and healthy.
They increase your self esteem by allowing you to be in
control, not your anger!
Do you do the same old thing over and over with your
anger? Here's a challenge. See if you can increase the
number of anger responses you have instead of doing the
same-o, same-o thing each time.
Move more of your anger responses into ones that empower
you. Make a conscious choice to use positive anger responses!
Remember, it's OK to be angry.
It's what you do with it that counts.
Instead of doing the same negative response all the
time,
increase the number of your anger responses.
Make more of your anger responses healthy.
Decrease your anger responses that hurt you or others.
Move your anger responses to ones which empower you.
References:
How
To Let Go of Your Mad Baggage by Lynne Namka Talk,
Trust and Feel 1120 Buchanan Ave. Charleston, IL 61920
$12.95 ppd.
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