Positive Anger Skills:
Be A Gentle, Loving Person
Even When You Are Mad
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 1997
How would you like to keep your calm even when you are angry?
Interested? Analyze your own skill level with dealing with
uncomfortable feelings. Much of how we react when angry is
learned behavior. You can unlearn old nasty behaviors and learn
new positive anger skills.
These angry feelings and behaviors are very, very complex. They
can be broken down into many sub skills that you can practice
daily. The more skill you have to deal with your mad feelings,
the better equipped you will be to live in our chaotic world.
Take the following quiz to find out how many positive anger
skills you use regularly. Practice the skills you do not have
until they become part of your daily repertoire.
To Release Current and Old Anger in Effective Ways
___ To displace anger symbolically when it is not safe to
express it directly.
___ To use positive displacement of anger and refrain from
negative displacement.
___ To break into self-angering thoughts.
To Learn Assertive Ways of Dealing with Threat
___ To stand up and speak assertively when threatened.
___ To say No, state boundaries and Bottom Line and leave if
boundaries are not respected.
___ To shield against the negative energy of name calling and
ridicule.
___ To take care of self when others fight. (It's not my
problem. It's a grownup problem.)
___ To break into dissociative states of fear and numbing out.
___ To use techniques of self soothing when upset.
To Learn to Contain Excessive Anger
___ To learn to discriminate between big and little deals.
(Don't sweat the small stuff.)
___ To realize and accept that you Don't always get what you
want. (Break into entitlement)
___ To learn to identify irrational thoughts and statements that
fuel anger.
___ To break into self-angering thoughts and use cool down
thoughts.
___ To learn to analyze and correct mistakes instead of beating
yourself up.
___ To use Thought Stoppage techniques to interrupt intrusive,
negative thinking.
___ To keep cool when others are trying to push your buttons.
___ To take Time Out when overheated during an argument and then
return to problem solve.
To Observe Rather than Over React to Threatening Events
___ To learn to observe and identify body reactions, emotions
and thoughts during threat.
___ To use observation of physiological cues to break into anger
or fear responses.
___ To find and express sadness, confusion and hurt that may lie
under the anger.
___ To analyze the threatening event and identify and break into
triggers.
___ To bridge current angers back to old unresolved childhood
issues.
___ To stay present in the threat of danger rather than lashing
out or stuffing anger.
___ To change the self-angering or self-depreciating meanings
given to threatening events.
___ To make self empowering statements showing resilience.
To Channel Anger Into Constructive Action
___ To identify and name feelings and use the "I formula" when
appropriate
___ To speak feelings appropriately when feeling threatened but
refrain when it's not safe.
___ To deal with others who discount feelings and do not want to
listen.
___ To express anger in safe and productive ways that increase
self esteem.
___ To change anger constructively to MAD--Make A Difference
To Learn to Feel Empathy and Respect Others
___ To listen to others when they are upset.
___ To recognize and refrain from actions that are hurtful to
others.
___ To stop blaming others under conditions of stress.
___ To take responsibility for one's own actions and wrong
doings.
___ To refrain from sarcasm, name calling, egg-ons and put
downs.
___ To see things from the other person's perspective.
___ To observe the effect of one's actions upon others and
express sorrow for hurting others.
___ To treat others with respect and altruism.
Back to Angries Out
More For Grownups