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Dear Lady,

I hate when things don't go my way, and I get very upset. and I start crying about it, and I don't like that. and I get mad at what I want, and hit stuff, and kick stuff, and push stuff, and hit the floor and I cry a lot.

I get very angry at my parents and scream and yell at them and tell them I do not like them. I want to stop but I can't when I'm mad. I say mad things to them. I want to be happy and stop hurting them and me. How do I get my anger out of me?

Signed 8 years old Angry mon!

***

Dear Angry mon,

Good for you for looking at the ways that you do anger that make you feel bad inside. That is the first step.

The next step is to learn to cool yourself off. Do a Time In--That means you go somewhere all by yourself when you start to get angry rather than stay and yell mean things. It is kind of like a Time Out, but you do it for yourself so that you can take care of your angry feelings in private. YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR ANGRY FEELINGS!

Helper Words give you certain phrases that "curb" your behavior. For example, telling yourself "Don't go there!" might be a Helper Word that could slow down your temper coming out in the wrong way.

Here are some examples of Helper Words. They are chill out words you say to yourself.

What Helper Words can I use to keep my cool the next time?

_____ Just relax and let it pass.
_____ I don't have to respond to what he/she said.
_____ Let it go, angry mon, let it go.
_____ I can be a bigger person and let this pass.
_____ I don't have to respond with my mads. I'm in charge here.
_____ I'll breathe instead of doing the anger thing.
_____ I'm going to go do a Time In and take care of myself. See you later!

Then go quietly (no slamming the door!) to your room and breathe those mads out!

Look at to my web site at http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/index.htm and read the letters to other boys and girls again. Find the letter that is from 'C.' that starts out 'I am 10 years old and I get very anger.'

Follow the directions given on this page about helping you tap your anger away. Keep doing it until you can't come up with any more reasons for being angry. Then go back the next day and do it again.

Can you talk to your parents about your problem? Could they help find you someone to talk to about your anger?

The Lady Who Knows About Mads

Dear Lady who knows about mads,

I have a problem - my step-dad. I feel like we are at war a lot of the time. My mom tries to help my step-dad and me. She can help me clam down but my step-dad just stays mad. He slams doors, yells, says bad words in Spanish, and stomps off to his bedroom. He mumbles as he stomps off.

My step-dad gets mad over everything. He wasn't as bad when he married my mom. I know I am lazy sometimes and don't always clean up the way he thinks I should. I think he wants everything to look perfect. If I leave a sock on the floor, he gets mad. If I watch TV downstairs, he gets mad. If I forget to get him a trash bag, he gets mad. One day, he had cooked on the grill. When we were eating, I had the salt (I was using it). He just took it without saying anything. I got mad and just said his name (I used a mad voice). He got really mad and yelled back at me, slammed the salt shaker back onto the table. I hate to say this but he acts like a kid.

I have ADHD and take medication for it. I also know that sometimes I am lazy and have a bad attitude, but I is so hard living with him. Sometimes I feel like I hate my step-dad. He makes me sooooo mad.

Can you help?

T.M.M

***

Dear T.M. M.,

Wow it does sound you have it rough at your house. I'm wondering if your step-dad is under any pressure at work or is his stress all about home stuff?

When two families come together, it is hard on them learning to be one family and get along well. There are different expectations and values. One idea is to show this letter to your mother and ask her about taking a course in stepfamilies. There are problems specific to families, which are based on a second marriage with kids involved. Most communities have step parenting classes, which last about six weeks.

Is there anyone you can talk to about all of this? I'd like to see you sharing your anger with a counselor or therapist. Then you could problem solve on how to deal with the type of situations you mentioned in your letter. Can you talk with your mother about this? She must be feeling some stress being caught in the middle. Could she get your step-dad to go in for family counseling?

Meanwhile, do what other teenagers do -- stay out of the way and try to get your attitude under control. Take a time out to cool yourself down instead of going off with your mouth. Part of your challenge with your step-dad is to learn to stop and think before you reply with sarcasm. (I'm guessing here that you get sarcastic at times, am I right?)

Keep reading in my web site about learning about handling your anger. Read A Primer on Anger and Whoosh.... Also go to Just Poke it and do that exercise every time you get mad at your step-dad. Repeat this tapping procedure over and over on every single thing that you are mad about until you calm down.

I'm proud of you for recognizing your own part of the problem. Keep learning and growing in your search to deal with your mads.

May I have your permission to post this letter on my web site? It might help other boys and girls who have the same kind of problem. If so, show it to your mother to get her permission if you are under age 18.

Peace,

The Lady Who Knows About Mads

Dear lady who knows mads,

I am 13 years old. I have one problem.

A long time ago, about 1 year, I was at a dance. There was this kid, and he called me a spazz because I said something real loud to someone else. Let's call him SJ. I was really upset. I was unsure to forgive him. But now, it seems like everyday he is making fun of me, and at one time he said he gets the most out of it and will never stop. And I told SJ one of the secrets that was about my personal life, and he was one of the first people to know about it. It was something about my family that I couldn't tell anyone until then. He never told. Everyone said why do you still consider him a friend even though he hurts you. Should I still like him? That is why I still consider him a friend. Is that unnormal?

Confused in the Keystone State

P.S. You can put this on your site.

***

Dear Confused,

SJ is a friend on one count in that he can keep a confidence. That is an important skill of friendship. Secrets bond friends together.

But he has his teasing mixed up. Friends make unwritten contracts about what is appropriate to tease about. Such as, "You can tease me about my red hair and my big teeth, but do not tease me about my vulnerable areas such as my weight or my family." SJ would be a better friend if he were more sensitive to areas that are upsetting to you. Then he would learn not to make fun OF you but WITH you.

So you can help him with this, but setting boundaries with him. Tell him what areas you like his jesting with you. Tell him what hurts your feelings. Talk with him about Put Downs, which are mean teasing. Put Downs are things that people say when they feel bad inside and want you to feel bad too.

You can always tell people to stop certain behaviors which are offensive to you. Say, "Knock it off." or "Stop that." If they are a real friend, they will take your feelings into consideration. If they laugh it off, or try to shame you, then they have some growing up to do. You may want to reconsider what a friend is. A friend is someone who likes you and is supportive of you. A friend does not hurt you.

You don't have to feel bad when someone tries to throw yucky words at you! Don't catch name-calling and ugly words. Don't take Put Downs into your heart and body!

Be a "Teflon Kid" and let the ugly words slide off of you. Don't be a "Velcro Kid" with ugly words sticking onto you. You need not catch something just because someone throws it at you. If someone threw you a porcupine, would you catch it? How about a slime ball? You can choose what you catch.

Let negative messages run off your back like a duck lets water run off its back. Deflect negative energy just as Wonder Woman deflects bullets with her wrist bands.

Learn to become invincible. Invincible means that you are so strong inside that Put Downs don't bother you! You are powerful so mean words can't hurt you! Helper Words are things that you say to yourself to help you out of a bad situation. They help you focus on problem solving, instead of getting caught up in feeling bad inside.

• I make myself strong inside so Put Downs do not get to me.
• I feel good about speaking up for myself when others use Put Downs.
• I protect myself from Put Downs when someone's Put Down part is out.
• People who feel bad about themselves often say Put Downs. I don't have to feel be ashamed just because someone to make me feel bad too.
• I stop using Put Downs. I feel good about myself.
• I use a loud, firm voice to tell someone to stop using Put Downs.
• If someone uses Put Downs with my friend, I tell him to stop.

So this is about your learning to be strong inside and set boundaries with your friends. Show this letter to your mom or dad and talk about this with them.

When the Put Downs get really big, they are called bullying or verbal abuse. If S. J. is cruel in his teasing, as many boys are, then this is called verbal abuse. Patricia Evans, in The Verbally Abusive Relationship, writes,

"YOU ARE BEING ABUSED: When you are yelled at, snapped at, told that you are acting wrong, acting smart, acting dumb, trying to start a fight, imagining things, twisting things around, interrupting, trying to have the last word, going on and on, thinking wrong, thinking you're smart, thinking you know it all, picking a fight, asking for it, looking wrong, looking in the wrong way, looking for trouble, trying to start an argument, and so on and on."

You do not have to be friends with anyone who abuses you.

Dear Lady,

Man am I mad. I have a problem with a few people in my class-J.S. & D.B. J.S. likes to pull my strings. I feel like I want to beat him up. I could probably put him in the hospital D.B. likes to aggravate you and get you mad. What can I do about keeping a good reputation at my middle school.

LST

****

Dear LST,

Only a puppet has strings that can be pulled. The reason they pull your strings is because you have put them out there for people to pull. Stop showing them that you react the way they want you to at their behavior. Anger reactions are a way of giving away your power. Pull in your strings.

How do you do this? What are your hot thoughts? What words do you say to keep your anger high?

Words like this keep you upset: I feel like I want to beat him up. I could probably put him in the hospital

Write your hot thoughts down. Then make a self empowering thought instead.

Like I'm not a puppet. I'm not going to let him have power over me. I refuse to ruin my day thinking of ---. No one but me pulls my stings. I won't drown in a sea of negative words. I have better things to think about. I'm not the kind of person that let's immature people's words bother me.

Learn to let the remarks roll off your back like water off a duck's back. This gives you the power.

To sum it up, DON'T LET OTHERS GET YOU DOWN. They just aren't worth it. You are important here. Get ahold of those hot thoughts, cool them down. SEE YOURSELF AS THE BIGGER PERSON!

Now what will you say to yourself to cool down? See yourself being the ice queen and throwing cold water on your anger. Visualize this and practice it before you go to bed at night.

You are not a puppet. Don't act like one. Be yourself and act mature. That is how you develop a good reputation at school.

What you tell yourself can make a difference? You are responsible for your mads. You can learn to cool yourself off with your words.

Peace,

The Lady Who Knows About Mads

Dear Lady,

I am 21 year old male who is a very angry boy, lets put it this way i am angry at my self and the world first i'm angry because i have attention deficit disorder i'm very insecure about my knowledge i consider myself as a stupid guy.

i get very mad not even mad i get rage when i cant get something done i mean i explode and get very negative i have spoken to all kinds of psychologists before and i am still mad at everything so i want ur suggestion what should i do to solve this horrible problem. I will appreciate if u respond . thanx

Tony

***

Dear Tony,

You are not dumb. I can tell this by the intelligence in your letter. People with ADD do have a rough time in life. It is very hard to be at the mercy of impulsivity and anger. And many people with ADD are irritable which is a set up for anger.

I look at what people are stuck with--I call this the "given." My given is that I have had to live with childhood abuse and have had chronic illness for 20 years.

It is given that you have this behavior pattern with this impulsivity level, which makes it hard for you to complete a project. Your given is that you are impatient with yourself and your inability to get things done. And you make it worse by beating up on yourself. You can learn to be more forgiving of yourself.

My husband who has ADD is the same way. Yet over the years, he has learned to talk his way through a project. Saying things like, "I keep myself cool. I'm going to get this. I breathe and work it out." These are called Helper Words.

This type of therapy is called Cognitive Behavioral therapy , which helps you identify the things you say to yourself to keep yourself upset. It then teaches you phrases to counteract those negative words.

You haven't been able to do this by yourself, so even you are impatient that you have seen many counselors, you haven't gotten to the ones who understand how to help someone like you. Have you seen someone who specializes in ADD? Once you find one, you have to fight the impulsivity to quit and stick to it.

The other types of therapy I like are the Energy Therapies. These are fantastic methods to help you forgive yourself so you can get on with growing up. You can read about these on my web pages under ANGRY YOUNG WOMEN...AND MEN TOO

Everything is life that is negative can be compensated for if you learn how to cope with it. So you have to come to some way of dealing with your anger at yourself and feeling sorry for yourself for the "given" in your life. Many people with the same type of problem you have become successful. But first they had to come to grips with their condition and learn tools to deal with it.

So keep studying and learning about your "given" and sometimes it goes away.

Peace,

Lynne Namka

***

Dear Lady,

Thank u so much for responding I really appreciate it, it really helped me as a matter of fact it was a load of when I read about forgiving and stuff it was very real and a fact. Yes, u absolutely have my permission to put in the message board and u can put down my name as Tony kohen. Right now I'm in the process of talking to a therapist about me being positive and stop being lazy and stop making excuses like i have add or depression there for i don't have to do anything or get anything done, he is really helping me not to say these words ('' i cant, i wont, i don't know, i don't feel like it, I'm too pissed to do anything u know things like that and everyday it seems I'm progressing oh I almost forgot my favorite word is (its too hard) even though it some times is I'm not going to say it anymore. So please email me more and write about confidence something that I have been lacking for almost all my life. thanx a lot.

Tony

Dear Lady who know about mads,

My family has split apart. It is hard for me to control my temper. My mother is got another boyfriend and he is not nice. My father had married another woman and he has another child. My step-sister is mean to me. I told my father. He grounded her, but it didn't help. I try to be nice to her, but she is mean back to me. I have three other sisters and I am older than all of them.

My mother and father are divorced and my mother has a new boyfriend. My father is married. These are the two main things that make me the most mad. My temper because of these things going on has gotten me in trouble. I've gone to RTC (in school suspension) because I through a paper at another girl plus I didn't follow my teachers instructions. I'm feeling very mad and sad right now because of my family.

I will be 11 next week. I live with my mom, grandma, little sister, and little brother. It's not that bad living here. I get to see my dad about every two weeks. I enjoy my time with him. I would like for you to help me with my anger.

Sincerely,

B.

***

Dear B.

You are confused and angry because of the chaos in your life. I'm glad you have your grandparents to live with. Good for you for looking at your anger and taking responsibility for it.

Don't try to go this one alone. You are going to need a professional to help you to work these out. And the sooner you do it, your life will be more productive.

Talk to your parents about getting some counseling. If they say no, check in with the guidance counselor at school or find a safe adult to talk to. Or when you are 18, get professional help on your own.

You deserve to get help. I sense a very nice young person under all your anger. You are worth it. Make it happen some way or another. Meanwhile, keep reading my web pages, especially A Primer on Anger.

Learn to say things to yourself that cool you down. Read under my pages on I Stop My Bully Behavior.

Peace,

The Lady Who Knows About Mads

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