Who Knows About Mads
Lynne Namka, Ed. D.
are sorry but due to ongoing illness we can no longer
accept new letters
recent | More Letters
| Earliest Letters
Angries Out Lady:
am 13 years old and I am having my case aide send this
for me because I live in foster care and I don't have
a computer. I have been reading your letters on the computer
at the library and they are very helpful. Since I started
reading your letters a month ago I have not gotten into
trouble. I use to get in fights a lot,and it got me into
detention, but I am learning to control my anger when
kids tease me. There is still one kid who really bugs
me. He teases me and throws things at me in school. Sometimes
I just feel like hitting him. What can I to do to make
him stop bugging me? He will be in my school again next
year. It's so hard to ignore him! Please write back.
P. from N.D.
M. P. from N. D.
glad you are getting a handle on your anger. Here is something
from my book, The Doormat Syndrome that I've adapted for
you and other boys and girls who feel bugged and react
to the bugging.
Proof Yourself: Putting Up Your Shield
to being teased happen because you have not learned to
shield yourself from negative energy from others. When
people feel bad inside, they try to make others feel bad
also by calling them ugly names. They want to throw their
negative energy on you! You can learn to put up an imaginary
invisible shield to prevent others from getting you.
prepare mentally for name-calling, visualize yourself
putting up a shield for self-protection. Choose the type
of shield that fits you best. Your armor may be made of
heavy metal, gold, silver, clear acrylic, or it may be
made of a gossamer fabric. Choose the material that will
provide the best protection from acid remarks. The shield
will allow helpful information to get through. The shield
protects your only from blame, unjust criticism and remarks
and cuss words like ³@, %, #, etc.² You don't want to
block out feedback that is helpful to you.
the imaginative powers of your mind to place the shield
in front of you and feel how safe and secure you are.
Nothing can penetrate the shield unless you allow it come
through. Notice how your skin is becoming thicker, acting
as a second shield so that you choose what is allowed
into your mind and body.
visualize a petty tyrant (a bully) calling you names and
trying to unnerve you. View the words coming out of his
mouth as negative energy. See how it moves through the
air toward you as a negative choice which you can make
choices. Visualize it as arrows, spears and rocks coming
negative energy signals you to put up your shield. You
are safe from the verbal insults of others as long as
your choose to be protected by the shield of your mind.
See the slurs and slings fall off your shield, keeping
you free from the negative energy.
how the angry remarks fall to the ground, go around you,
over your head, or bounce back to the speaker. Imagine
him disarmed, being caught in a barrage of his own doing.
See yourself standing straight and tall, proud of your
accomplishment of deflecting negative energy.
that anger is sometimes used to instruct as an attempt
to change your behavior. Being the wise person that you
are, decide to look behind the anger to see if there is
a message for you. Allow any information that is needed
to penetrate your shield. This is a very clever shield.
It can discriminate between what is good for you to hear
and what needs to be discarded.
and feel your shield coming up when you spot someone who
wants to hurt you. Remember, he or she feels bad inside
so they want to make you feel bad. That is how feeling
badness inside is passed from one person to another.
different versions of confrontations with different difficult
people over and over in your mind with your shield up.
Of course since you are making up the story, make yourself
the hero or heroine who is stronger than anything that
is thrown at you verbally.
practice with a partner who throws cotton balls or Nerf
balls at you saying the ugly words that have triggered
you in the past. Knock the balls away when they come at
you and say, "I'm not that." Or you can dodge
the ugly word triggers‹-just don't let them get into you.
the ball of ugly words hits you, remember your thick skin
and just let the ball fall away. Don't let it stick to
you. You decide if you want to take ugly negative energy
from others who do not feel good about themselves into
your body and heart and let it wound you OR if you
let it bounce off you. You are in charge of what you take
into your mind and body.
any negative energy in the form of word and see how the
other person is
luck with this. Your letter is very important for others
to read. If the letters have helped you, why not let me
add your letter to the collection. Write me back with a
made up name or initial and your case aide's okay.
to hurt you with negative words (bullies)
to teach you with negative words (usually adults such
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
Lady Who Knows About Mads,
I am YK...I am 14. I sometimes feel very angry when the
internet do not work at the speed expected. I shout, scream,
hit the keyboard hard. This irritates my parents and the
conflict starts. I always talk to them but they keep telling
me to shut up. This irritates and make me wanna shout!
Another problem is that I get irritated and angry at my
UNREASONABLE ART TEACHER. My art wasn't good and I usually
do my best but she kept complaining and think that was
my worse or something, just not the best! I always feel
like killing her, beat her up etc. She is about the most
hated teacher. Even the people whose art are good hate
I am a Christian but not my parents or family. My mother
allowed me to go for church activities (services, camps
etc.) but I am afraid when I tell her about this, she
will get angry and I will get irritated and flare up.
And I believe she will persecute me. Can you advise me
on all my problems?
about anger is always to the first step. So congrats for
getting yourself to the learning place. Anger is a normal
emotion that you can learn to express in safe ways that
do not hurt you or others.
you have a short fuse. You have a large amount of internal
frustration that blows when things go wrong for you. Why?
You have an unrealistic expectation that life should go
easy and that sets you up to blow.
that things should always go well + high emotional arousal
+ the right to scream and yell = a hot temper!
about changing your expectation? Things break. Things
go wrong. People are unreasonable. You don't get what
you want. Remember Murphy's Law--thing will go wrong if
they can. Prepare yourself to live with this concept of
stuff happens and get used to it.
is not fair. It is terribly unfair. Get used to it. When
you take the philosophy that you will suffer injustice
at times, but you are mature enough to deal with it, you
can be a happier person.
will help if you let go of the idea that you have to shout
when you are irritated. Venting always makes the problem
worse. You may feel better temporarily, but nothing changes
and you feel worse inside. Your job is to learn to deal
with the frustration by talking yourself though it.
are many other things you can do when you start to feel
the burn inside. Here are some Adaptive Coping Skills
to use when you are angry:
the best thing you can do is to empower yourself with Resilience
Solving with Friends
Others/Share Feelings using the "I formula"
with Pleasurable Events/Hobbies
Breathing and taking your breath to the hot spots in
Anger: Just watch what your body is doing. Be more interested
in learning about your physiological reaction than the
injustice of the situation.
Self Negative Verbal Statements Watch the negative thoughts
in your mind. Break into these thoughts that you are
being wronged and you must explode about it.
will get through this!
in charge here.
out-of-control anger is not in charge.
catch myself when I'm complaining and notice how it
makes me angry.
though my teacher is unreasonable, I don't have to let
it ruin my day.
choose to calm myself down. I'm in charge here and I
cool myself off.
other words, be the bigger person. You be in charge of
your thoughts that set you off.
Lady Who Knows About Mads
15 years old...and me and my best friend for 4 years got
mad at each other over some stupid thing. so now we are
not talking and he wrote me a note saying that our friendship
was fake and that I'm childish. i kind of agree with him
on the childish part but not on the our friendship being
fake. i put my heart into that friendship. he also said
that he's not even sad that we don't talk. it doesn't
even hurt him. it hurts me and i told him that. but i
haven't gotten a response from him yet. he also said that
he would've been better off with his first friends at
school. now hes become everything that he said he didn't
like. I'm confused and sad. i don't know what to do. i
tried to apologize but i don't think it worked.
you can just call me Shy.
often break up due to childish behavior and then people
get angry. Under the anger is hurt and sadness. You are
in touch with your emotions. Maybe it is time for you
to look at your childishness so that you can learn from
this and grow some.
relationships do not last forever. Best friends do change.
Teen friendships are often like that. Young people are
changing and growing at different rates. Different interests
and values pull you apart and anger is the emotion that
people use to move apart. If you learn from the friendship
and what did not work, you come out ahead however, painful
probably can't get past his hurt and can't hear your apology.
You might try one more time saying you are sorry for the
exact thing he objected to. You also might show him your
letter and this one if you think it might help. If he
doesn't respond the way you want, you just have to let
it go. Look around for new friends.
wish you peace,
Lady Who Knows About Mads
boy he hits me and he acts like a little jerk to me his
name is J.D. He is a big bully. I don'T like him. He is
a very mean to me please help me please
p.S. I am very angry. I hate him. And I take it out on
friend .J .F .D .L .W.
.J .F .D .L .W
all have a bit of the bully in us. That is probably why
you take it out on other people.
boys can be really mean when they see that what they do
upsets you. Learn to see him as a bothersome gnat that
you do not respond to. Stand straight and tall when he
is around and act like a powerful person. Breathe deeply
and tell yourself that nothing he says will bother you.
You are the bigger person and are invincible. Put a shield
or force field around yourself that he can not penetrate
with any ugly worlds. If he calls you names, act bored
and say 'Whatever' and walk away. Stay away from him on
to my article under Grownups and read the article,'Just
Poke It.' Then do it many times about being hurt,
embarrassed, angry and upset over what he says to you.
Poke your anger away.
Lady Who Knows About Mads
16 yrs old and extremely angry. In June, I wrote my lover
who is one year younger than me an email because I was
bothered that he wasn't the same person he used to be.
He wasn't making any effort for me anymore. I would always
have to go to him, he would never come to me. I was frustrated
at myself for being unable to cheer him up. The email
was the ultimate thing. I explained all my feelings but
then I also called him a selfish egotistical idiot. Then,
on AIM, he signed on and didn't talk to me, so out of
rage, I told one of his friends to tell him we were over.
That ruined everything.
angry at my friends who think they understand but dont.
I'm angry over the fact that I help so many people but
people don't know how to help me. I'm angry at god for
sending me an angel and then making him hate me. I'm angry
at my parents for not being so fricken stiff that I can't
tell them anything. I'm angry at myself for loving him
in the first place. He's not exactly good looking, hes
not exactly the most outgoing person, hes a bit queer,
hes a year younger and i screwed up my perception and
made myself think he was perfect.
really truly loved him. I'm frustrated over the fact that
I must analyze everything over and over again and it never
gets me anywhere. I'm frustrated over the fact that I
can't read his mind to know if he really does truly hate
me, or i just extremely hurt him. I tire myself from all
thanx for creating an angries out website
and u do have permission to post my letter
at 15 and 16 are so hard because you are still learning
how to do them. Nothing stays the same as it does when
you first get together. People change their feelings and
their behavior. Still, relationships are made for learning
and the best thing you can do is learn from this and move
advice--NEVER, NEVER send emails when you are angry. You
can write them in a file but hold off for 48 hours before
you send them. I often tell people to write the angry
letter three times. First as mad as you can be in size
18+ Bold letters. Do not send it! Delete this or tear
it up. Then write again, in size 14 letters still Bold.
Again, do not send it. Then write in size 12 or 10 and
not bolded. Hold this one for 48 hours before you send
it. Or don't send it--just write it for yourself.
happens is that the anger drains out of you with the three
writings of the same letter. You get down to other feelings
which usually are of hurt and disappointment.
try this anger reduction technique. I know this exercise
sounds weird, but do it anyway.
"Even though I'm mad, I forgive myself."
tapping on the top of your head and tap all over your
scalp. Not hard, but briskly with all 10 fingers. Think
of your bad feelings and take deep, deep breaths. Then
go all over your face, forehead, between your eyes, outside
of your eyes, cheekbones, around your ears and around
your nose and chin. Breathe as if you are puffing and
running up a hill.
down across your chest and tap back and forth in a Z pattern
across your middle and stomach. Then tap in spirals around
your wrists and ankles. Then end up tapping on your toes
and the outsides and the insides of your feet. Keep thinking
of your anger as you do this and visualize blowing the
bad feelings out. Think of forgiving yourself as you tap.
this technique about your anger with yourself, your friends
and parents. Do it over and over until your anger drains
Lady Who Knows About Mads
My name is David,
My cousin is a butthead. He messes with all of my stuff.
I want to beat him up. What do I do?
how old is your cousin? You put stuff up from a two or
three year old. Older children can learn to leave things
alone. Have you talked to him and made a deal that you
will let him play with some of your things, but he is
not supposed to use things without permission? Do you
have neato things and he doesn't so he wants to get into
have a right to keep your things safe. Do your parents
support you in keeping your things away from him? Will
they help you problem solve this family problem? Show
this letter to the grownups in your family and make some
rules that are fair to everyone.
matter what the situation is, you are still responsible
for getting your mads out is safe ways that do not hurt
others or yourself.
under I Stop My Bully Behavior on my web site and find
some things you can say to yourself to help with your
mads. Beating someone up is Bully Behavior.
do I want for myself?
I want to stop responding quickly.
I want to hold my temper.
I want to be in charge here.
I'm in control. I make good choices.
Helper Words can I use to keep my cool the next time?
I can be a bigger guy and let this anger pass.
I don't have to respond with hurting him. I'm in charge
I'll breathe instead of acting out my mads.
I use my firm, fair words instead of being mean to him.
I can stop my bully behavior and deal with him straight
to my web site at www.AngriesOut.com and open the page
listed under FOR GROWNUPS called Anger Management--Just
Poke It. Follow the directions given on this page about
helping you tap anger away. Keep doing it until you can't
come up with any more reasons for being angry at your
cousin. Then go back the next day and do it again.
put some lesson plans on stopping bullying behavior on
my web site at www.AngriesOut.com/bullylessons.htm
you could ask your parents or teacher to go over these
ideas with you.
working on getting your mads out in safe ways.
Lady Who Knows About Mads
name is D. and im seventeen years old, and im very angry.
Im angry at the world itself mostly. For taking away my
best friend and separating me from my current one, im
mad because of my mothers life decisions and how im not
apart of them, im angry because i have to live with this
facial scarring and most of all these dreams keep haunting
me and the urge to hurt people is becoming bigger and
dont want to go on like this but there is something that
seems so satisfying in smacking someone down, and i know
i can do it. Generally i release my violence in playfighting
against guys, but thats just punching and kicking, i want
to move onto something productive, like axe swinging,
as my mum used to let me do when i was 6, on the old tree
stump out the back.
is good that you wrote to me and that you are seeking
help. Sounds as if you have had a rough time of it in
life with things happening to you that were not under
your own control. You have reason to be angry. I'd like
to validate your angry feelings. Things have not been
fair in your life. You have suffered some significant
your anger is disappointment in adults and hurt. And grief
for your losses friends, family and the facial scarring.
These emotions need to be explored so that they can be
lessened and released.
to hurt someone when you are angry is revenge hurting
others, as you have been hurt. This is a defense mechanism
the mind goes into to try to avoid the pain. Anger is
to be explored and figured out and learning to express
it in ways that do not hurt yourself or others.
fantasies can have a satisfying feeling to them, but that
is psuedo satisfaction. Short termed and does not address
the real problem. Revenge, acted out in real life, only
causes more suffering to you and to others. Read my School
Violence report on my web site on how a person's mind
can narrow the solution to one's pain down to. Like suicide
to get away from one's pain, hurting others is not a solution
that works. It only makes things worse.
out your anger such as chopping wood, pounding a punching
bag or working out in a gym does help some what. This
is called catharsis. Violent motions can release SOME
of the feelings temporarily, so they do help. But this
method is limited as it does not get to the source of
the problem, nor help you understand the depth of your
only way through this is to go through it. Hopefully with
someone of wisdom who can help you sort out the confusion
and trauma in your life. Someone who can acknowledge your
pain and feelings of revenge, but insist that you not
get stuck in victim thinking. There are good people who
can help you do this and show you how to hold your head
up high and have a successful life. You can't get through
this alone, in my opinion.
will have to search for these people who believe in you
and your making something out of this confusion. I like
the therapists who are trained in Energy Psychology finding
them to be introspective and productive in helping people
release strong emotions. Look on my web site for Finding
a Competent Therapist.
you only get one life. Make it the best one you can by
reaching out to wise people who believe in you and can
help you learn to believe in yourself.
Lady Who Knows About Mads
Letters | Earliest Letters
to the Angries Out Center