Life
is a challenge sometimes. We all need a bit of inspiration to become our best
and highest selves!
You
are invited to join my new e-mail newsletter that features self growth articles
drawn from the psychological and spiritual literature. I am a writer and disseminator
(sometimes obsessively so) by nature and have vast amounts of information on living
happily and peacefully in the world.
Every
week I will send out a short e-mail article on personal growth or on spiritual
growth. There may be outlines of books that have been written on an important
topic. Or I may include one of my published articles which has generated a lot
of interest. Spiritual writings will be of a generic nature, not specific to any
one religion and will focus on self understanding, gaining peace and forgiveness.
This newsletter is NOT specifically
about anger although it has an occasional anger article. It covers many self help
topics, some of which are metaphysical in nature.
Feel
free to copy and pass on any of the writings that you find to be of value. No
need to ask me for permission. A guiding principle of my life is 'Got good stuff?
Pass it on!' I invite you to do the same. Please forward this message to as many
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Lynne
Namka
Sample:
Psychological Article:
Quote for the week of 6/24/01
How a Child Learns
Thus
a child learns, by wiggling skills through his fingers and his toes, into himself.
By soaking up habits and attitudes of those around him, by pushing and pulling
his own world. Thus a child learns, more through trial than error, more through
pleasure than pain, more through experience than suggestion and telling, and more
through suggestion than direction.
And thus a child learns through affection, through love, through patience, through
understanding, through belonging, through doing and through being. Day by day
the child comes to know a little bit of what you know, a little bit more of what
you think and understand. That which you dream and believe are in truth what is
becoming that child. As you perceive dully or clearly, as you think fuzzily or
sharply, as you believe foolishly or wisely, as you dream drably or goldenly,
as you bear false witness or tell the truth, thus a child learns.
Fredrick Moffett
Excerpted from Living, Loving and Learning by Leo Busacaglia
Yes Virginia,
There are Functional Families!
Lynne Namka Ed. D. © 1998
Virginia Satir, pioneer in family
therapy, was the first to describe a healthy, happy family and the poor coping
strategies of families caught in dysfunction. Nowadays everyone seems to come
from a dysfunctional family that dealt with the hard knocks of life by creating
more confusion and pain.
Satir taught congruence and straight communication skills as a way of stopping
the unhappiness that some families create down through the generations. I remember
the day she charged us to go forth into the world and bring functionality to our
families and to the business world. Satir changed my life around completely, allowing
me to become the woman I am today.
So what is a functional family? Is there such a thing as a functional family?
Several years ago, I
watched my daughter and her husband and their nine-month-old son during the Christmas
visit. I observed as Kathy, radiant and loving as a new mother, played with Michael
setting firm limits and telling him no when necessary. She allowed the baby to
freely explore and experience his new world as only a determined baby who has
just learned to crawl can do. When Michael got stuck between the couch and a post,
Kathy watched patiently as he cried, struggled and worked his way out. When he
cried, no one shushed him or rushed over to save him.
Jim, the proud father, sat on the floor with them laughing and playing with the
baby and occasionally reaching over to give Kathy a hug or a kiss. Jim roughhoused
with the baby teaching him to enjoy the rough and tumble of life; Michael squealed
with delight. I saw how the parents disagreed over things and worked their differences
through. Jim's parents died when he was young and his older brothers and sisters
raised him. He said that this was the best Christmas of his life. Seeing the look
of loving and being loved on his face and my daughter's joy, I was honored to
be a part of their first Christmas with the baby.
This is a functional family I thought. Love, self-expression, necessary limits.
Allowing feelings even the not-so--comfortable ones. Negotiation of conflict not
avoiding it or escalating it into aggression. Compromise, meeting each other's
needs while keeping one's own self constant. The constancy of firm discipline
both for the parents and children. The seeing the best in others, viewing the
glass half full instead of empty. Staying true to the family's needs for honesty
and integrity.
Functionality--this
is what Satir talked about--what I had been so hungry for coming from a family
that did not know how to handle conflict without isolating, blaming, giving in
or manipulating. Which I had allowed in my own children's lives when they were
young, because it was all I knew how to do.
Then I met Virginia Satir, took her training and slowly started to clean up my
act. The determination to be direct and straight in all my relationships had paid
off not only in my life but also in my children's. Probably the best investment
in life that I had ever made was those dollars spent for training with Virginia
Satir. She taught me techniques to heal my own long-held-hurts from my own family
pain and to deal straight with others. My children learned through my directness
what they had not been taught earlier on. Now the payoffs in good mental health
continue through the next generation.
Then I thought about what breaks into a functional family system. What stressors
cause husband and wife to pull apart, distance and slowly erode the love that
they had pledged? The external stressors are job loss, financial strain, illness
and too busy schedules resulting in not taking time for each other. Extensive
job demands and work holism can result in family pressures and strain pulling
parents away from the needs of the children. Telling children that the negative
feelings they have aren't real.
But it's the adaptations to the stressors that define functionality. It's the
way we cope with stress and conflict not what happens to us. The inspirational
literature is full of examples of people with severe adversity in their life who
make it against the odds. The difference between winners and losers seems to be
how we cope with failure, with betrayal, with trauma and with those aspects in
those we love that are so irritating. It's the inner demons that create dysfunctional
families.
The internal
strains come from fear and unmet needs deep in the psyche that create giving in
too much and giving up one's self or conversely, selfishness, egocentricity and
refusal to see problems from the other person's point of view. The demons not
addressed slay the integrity of the self. Not having a way to negotiate conflict
and fight in healthy ways sets the stage for below-the-belt-fighting. Refusal
to know one's own anger results in expressing it sideways in manipulation or aggression.
Denial of one's problems--not owning up and dealing with addictive needs create
the most severe forms of dysfunction in families. Alcohol and substance abuse,
reacting to physical attractions and affairs with people outside of the marriage,
partying and going to bars, etc.; these addictions create chasms in relationships.
All of these behaviors create distance and anger in relationships and wreck havoc
on children.
Now I know
that my daughter and her husband will meet times of adversity; their family may
not always be so functional. No person is so lucky to go through life without
hard knocks. But help is available for the asking to help families gain strategies
and skills for dealing with tough times. Trials and tribulations can create character
and depth of being or there can be a giving up into depression or refusal to take
responsibility. Those tantalizing demons of fear, addictive urges, denial and
defensiveness can be tamed. It's what we do with adversity that creates the life
well lived or one of despair.
So I got to thinking about what we need to teach children to prepare them for
times when life does knock them around? What tools and techniques do children
need to prepare themselves for the difficult times in life? As we move into this
new century, what is the best that we can teach our children so that they will
be self-reliant? What is it to be really fully human living free and expressive?
Why don't we teach children the truth of what they are--a beautiful expression
of love?
So in response
to these poignant questions, which have to do not only with our creating inner
peace, but also peace in our world, I wrote a tribute to what Virginia Satir taught
. . .
What
if every child were taught that . . .
.... Feelings, especially bad ones, are just that--feelings come and go and can
be watched and called by their name and released. That uncomfortable feelings
can be self soothed by rubbing your body and breathing deeply when upset or hurt.
That feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness can be talked about in safe
ways with people who help you understand them. That fears are mice with nervous
stomachs with megaphones.
....
Scrapes and small fixes can be gotten out of by using the old noggin to problem
solve. That you are responsible for the consequences of actions and to think before
speaking or acting. That learning sometimes involves making errors. That it's
okay to make a mistake with the choice to learn from it. That taking responsibility
and making amends for what you did wrong is one of the biggest boosters to self-esteem.
That constructive criticism can be listened to use as a challenge to do better
next time. That you can choose love people who are problem solvers and do not
sweep issues under the rug.
...Failure
is part of life and the determination to get up and try again is a handy tool
to deal with it. That the negative dialogue with oneself after failing can be
stopped. That you fail only when you give up and let failure get you down by defining
yourself as a failure. That the world can be seen through the lens of optimism.
That there are some things that you can change and some things that just need
to be accepted.
....
Grownups are responsible for handling their own pain. Children need not take in
the negative feelings of others. Kids should be kids. Kids should not be expected
to take care of adults who are hurting or choose to remain caught in addictions.
That good help is available for those who want it and make it happen.
.... There are those in the world
who don't feel good about themselves who use put downs and bad labels. Unkind
words can be refused and deflected rather than internalized.
....
Conflict is inevitable. That confrontation and threat can be met with techniques
of fair fighting and conflict resolution. That denial of anger is a defense that
sets up an unhappy life. That anger is a normal human emotion that can be expressed
appropriately.
.... The
darker aspects of yourself are part of being human and are to be understood and
transformed rather than be denied or railed against. Learn to be empathetic with
the darker aspects of others while holding them responsible for their cruel deeds.
.... Those exciting high
feelings of addiction that come from doing something unhealthy or dangerous are
a trap for an unsatisfying life. That the addictive highs should not be used to
distract from or medicate pain. That there are feel good solutions--healthy addictions
to help alleviate stress and conflict.
....
You don't always get your way and that's okay. That the feeling good that comes
from trying to gain power over or hurting others is a pseudo self-esteem. Feelings
of power gained at the loss of someone else are only temporary and destructive
to both involved. That personal power brings about more joy than power over others.
True self esteem comes from satisfaction of living according to the Higher Self.
.... We are all brothers
and sisters of one big family and that skin color and individual differences are
to be celebrated. That life is precious in every form and is to be respected.
...You are truly a child
of the Universe created in love to love and be loved. To get love from those who
can give it and stop trying to get it from those of stone. That love is your Original
Birthright. That no matter what the confusion or question, love is always the
answer.
Flash! Flash!
To Teach Children These Skills You Must Use Them Yourself!
Yes Virginia Satir, There is such a Thing as Functional Families!
REMEMBER,
NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM, LOVE IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER.
BE GENTLE AND LOVING WITH YOURSELF.
Sample
Spiritual Article:
Quote for the Week of Jan. 28, 2001:
'This
week, this month, discover your joy. Discover what you are effective at and makes
you feel good. Discover your goodness.
Write it down. Begin in small, simple steps to expand on this. There is a great
spiritual opportunity here. You will discover your purpose in life in the process.
Act as if this can "be"
and can "happen" and miracles will truly come from it.
The Power Squared and Global Consciousness Shifts!
There is a massive shift of consciousness taking place on the planet. Because
the energy or power of a group with a common vision increases in direct square
proportion to the size of the group, 73,500 people with a unified vision of global
peace and human dignity would have the equivalent potential to facilitate this
massive consciousness shift. (73,500 squared equals 5,402,250,000 people)....
Connecting your vision
with others is the way to bring about desired change....Personal power begins
with one's relationship with the Divine and the drawing of "right intention" into
one's life and one's living..)
-- Meredith Young-Sowers
Finding the Small, Still Voice Within
Lynne
Namka, Ed. D © 1996
If
you love Me, keep my commands, and I shall ask the Father and He will give you
another Helper to stay with you forever, the Spirit of Truth whom the world cannot
receive, because it neither perceives nor understands Him. You know Him, for He
remains with you and will be within you.
John
14: 15-17 The Bible, Revised Berkeley Version
In following our own personal vision for healing our self and the planet, we face
an exciting challenge. The challenge is to become the most loving, self-actualized
individuals that we can become. We have the tools to do this now with the self-help
groups, personal growth workshops, therapeutic techniques and spiritual guidance
that are available. We are being given the opportunity to achieve our highest
spiritual level, and in doing so, to change the world. Following our vision is
easier if we have a process that encourages us during times of doubt. As Naomi
Stephan said, 'You have a calling which exists only for you and which only you
can fulfill.'
Visionaries
from all times and ages have been strengthened by listening to their inner wisdom
as they followed their unique spiritual journeys. This time is about each individual
learning to turn inward to listen to their Highest Self so that they can live
in full consciousness and integrity to work for healing of our planet.
Understanding our self limiting beliefs about being unworthy of being loved and
finding our true spiritual selves are the keys to release from pain and suffering.
We can learn to find our spiritual nature, which is essentially loving to combat
those feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. The Quakers as well as many other
religious traditions have the concept of "centering down" or having an 'inner
meeting of one' by communing directly with the God who lives within. The process
of following your vision starts with developing a loving relationship with yourself.
It is to turn away from the voices of fear and remember that you are LOVE.
To do so, we must learn to tune into that "small, quiet voice within˛ which calls
us. This is the voice that has been echoed in the sacred literature of the world.
It is the voice that bids us to be who we were meant to be, pulling us forward
through dreams, hunches and intuition to provide information about ourselves.
It gives us the key to living from the part of us that hold the most integrity.
Learning to use this voice, commonly called our Inner Wisdom or Higher Power,
on a daily basis is the most important thing we can do in recovering from the
hold of material objects and harmful addictions.
Steps
to Develop Your Inner Teacher
Your
Inner Teacher takes the place of outside authority and guidance as you listen
to your conscience and receive guidance. The Bible tells us, "Be ye transformed
by the renewing of your mind." Developing your intuition can become a daily act
that will transform your life. Meditate upon your concern. At first ask questions
of your Inner Wisdom that can be answered in the "yes" or "no" format. Listen
quietly to the messages that you receive. The voice may be hesitant at first or
it may come only part of the time. Pose open-ended questions several ways such
as "May I do.....? " or "Shall I .....?" One formula to use is "Is it
in my best and most perfect good for me to....?" or "Is it in my highest and best
interests to....?" Watch your wording. Your Inner Guidance will take the question
literally. Ask for the clearest message that you need for guidance on the specific
concern at hand. Sometimes a quiet question will suffice. "What would you
have me do?"
Once
you master accessing the Inner Wisdom, you can use it to gain answers to take
on any specific matter. Asking for wisdom with the proper intent can be helpful
in clearing the fears that are present. Your intent in seeking inner guidance
should be to know your innermost loving self. Ask to have any fear or selfish
ego thinking set aside so that you may truly know what is right for you. The Inner
Wisdom's purpose is guidance, not to be a fortuneteller. Do not try to use it
for amassing personal gain, but only to guide you on your spiritual path. Don't
ask for information of the stock market or where to drill for oil. It is best
to make contact with the Inner Voice with the goals of letting go of ego attachments
and developing humility.
Clarity
and Discernment
Your truth is known when all parts of yourself are comfortable with what has been
revealed. This is that "small, still voice within" that resounds with recognition.
Your truth is that knowledge that brings tears of recognition to your eyes and
gives a resounding "Yes!" in your heart. According to Gandhi, "Truth is what the
voice inside tells you." The knowledge may come through as a voice, as a knowing
or as a visual experience. Once you learn to access your Inner Wisdom, there is
no question to which you cannot gain the answer.
Discernment is absolutely necessary in recognizing the one true voice from other
voices that you may hear. The Inner Wisdom voice is not the voice of your parents
or other authorities in society. It is not a guilt-driven "should, must, have
to or ought to." The true voice has a different vibration and shifts you out of
the fear, guilt and obligation to knowing what is right for you based on love.
It is the quietness of knowing that comes through, causing a release of body tension.
It is the "Aha!" and the deep knowing behind the message by discerning what is
right for you. It is profound and at the same time extremely light. Some call
it "the truth that feels like you." The answer of truth will feel 'right'--it
will feel satisfying and peaceful.
When there is conflict, still your mind and ask, "What is it that I really need
to know? What is in my best interests about this matter?" You can choose to laugh
at the tug of war that sometimes goes on between your conscious mind and your
Inner Wisdom. The difference is that the conscious mind may be caught in fear
and addictions whereas being connected to the greater Intelligence of the universe;
the Inner Wisdom comes from love and the yearning to be whole. A Course in Miracles
tells us that there are two basic emotions--love and fear. Love and fear are opposing
emotions that cannot occur at the same time--where love is fear cannot be and
vice versa. When you turn to the loving aspect of your Inner Wisdom, you bypass
the fear.
There are some
strong considerations to be followed when you contact and use the Inner Voice.
Continue to check to insure that the messages you get are consistent with your
sense of your highest self. People who use the Inner Voice should be aware that
continually checking is necessary to determine whether the information is of the
highest level and purity.
Once you learn to recognize the strength and power of your Inner Wisdom, you will
better understand how the discernment process of sorting out the true from the
false voice. The determination of its authencity then becomes how well it works
for you. As the Bible reminds us "What are the fruits of the labor?" If the fruits
are beautiful and abundant, the voice is in alignment with everything that is
truth for you. The ultimate test of truth, according to Gandhi, is the refusal
to do harm to yourself or another individual.
Daily practice and hindsight vision will convince you of the accuracy of the answers
that comes through when you tune inward. Check the results of your decisions when
you have followed the advice of the Inner Voice. Keep track of the wisdom and
changes that it brings into your life. As your confidence builds, you will find
yourself turning to your inner guidance more and more for important decisions.
Your conscious mind will become more in tune with the inner self so that you need
not ask on small matters. Your intuition will develop more so that decisions are
made with conscious mind and Inner Wisdom working together. You will experience
less conflict in your life as you have a means of always knowing what is right
and correct for you.
As you learn to recognize the genuine authority of your Inner Wisdom, you will
realize the power that you hold is within your own being. Daily practice seeking
your own truth instead of relying on others helps validate the guidance that you
are being given. Trust in the process of seeking within grows as a tenure of your
experience. Once you are certain of the validation of the voice that you hear
as being consistent for your growth and well being, the process becomes an automatic
part of your spiritual practice.
Your Inner Wisdom will lead you to places that you do not want to go, as it will
send you to places where you will challenge your fear. It will tell you things
about your integrity that you may not want to hear. If you need to leave an unhealthy
situation but stay because of fear, you will be shown the way. The Inner Wisdom
will be there for you if you turn to it daily for guidance.
Peace
and joy,
Lynne Namka
Licensed Psychologist,
'I slept
and dreamt that life was joy,
I awoke and saw that life was service,
I acted and behold, service was joy.'
Rabindranath Tagore
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