Life
is a challenge sometimes. We all need a bit of inspiration
to become our best and highest selves!
You are
invited to join my new e-mail newsletter that features
self growth articles drawn from the psychological
and spiritual literature. I am a writer and disseminator
(sometimes obsessively so) by nature and have vast
amounts of information on living happily and peacefully
in the world.
Every
week I will send out a short e-mail article on personal
growth or on spiritual growth. There may be outlines
of books that have been written on an important
topic. Or I may include one of my published articles
which has generated a lot of interest. Spiritual
writings will be of a generic nature, not specific
to any one religion and will focus on self understanding,
gaining peace and forgiveness.
This
newsletter is NOT specifically about anger although
it has an occasional anger article. It covers many
self help topics, some of which are metaphysical
in nature.
Feel
free to copy and pass on any of the writings that
you find to be of value. No need to ask me for permission.
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Lynne
Namka
Sample:
Psychological Article:
Quote
for the week of 6/24/01
How
a Child Learns
Thus a
child learns, by wiggling skills through his fingers
and his toes, into himself. By soaking up habits and
attitudes of those around him, by pushing and pulling
his own world. Thus a child learns, more through trial
than error, more through pleasure than pain, more
through experience than suggestion and telling, and
more through suggestion than direction.
And thus
a child learns through affection, through love, through
patience, through understanding, through belonging,
through doing and through being. Day by day the child
comes to know a little bit of what you know, a little
bit more of what you think and understand. That which
you dream and believe are in truth what is becoming
that child. As you perceive dully or clearly, as you
think fuzzily or sharply, as you believe foolishly
or wisely, as you dream drably or goldenly, as you
bear false witness or tell the truth, thus a child
learns.
Fredrick
Moffett
Excerpted from Living, Loving and Learning by Leo
Busacaglia
Yes
Virginia, There are Functional Families!
Lynne Namka Ed. D. © 1998
Virginia
Satir, pioneer in family therapy, was the first to
describe a healthy, happy family and the poor coping
strategies of families caught in dysfunction. Nowadays
everyone seems to come from a dysfunctional family
that dealt with the hard knocks of life by creating
more confusion and pain.
Satir
taught congruence and straight communication skills
as a way of stopping the unhappiness that some families
create down through the generations. I remember the
day she charged us to go forth into the world and
bring functionality to our families and to the business
world. Satir changed my life around completely, allowing
me to become the woman I am today.
So
what is a functional family? Is there such a thing
as a functional family?
Several
years ago, I watched my daughter and her husband and
their nine-month-old son during the Christmas visit.
I observed as Kathy, radiant and loving as a new mother,
played with Michael setting firm limits and telling
him no when necessary. She allowed the baby to freely
explore and experience his new world as only a determined
baby who has just learned to crawl can do. When Michael
got stuck between the couch and a post, Kathy watched
patiently as he cried, struggled and worked his way
out. When he cried, no one shushed him or rushed over
to save him.
Jim, the
proud father, sat on the floor with them laughing
and playing with the baby and occasionally reaching
over to give Kathy a hug or a kiss. Jim roughhoused
with the baby teaching him to enjoy the rough and
tumble of life; Michael squealed with delight. I saw
how the parents disagreed over things and worked their
differences through. Jim's parents died when he was
young and his older brothers and sisters raised him.
He said that this was the best Christmas of his life.
Seeing the look of loving and being loved on his face
and my daughter's joy, I was honored to be a part
of their first Christmas with the baby.
This is
a functional family I thought. Love, self-expression,
necessary limits. Allowing feelings even the not-so--comfortable
ones. Negotiation of conflict not avoiding it or escalating
it into aggression. Compromise, meeting each other's
needs while keeping one's own self constant. The constancy
of firm discipline both for the parents and children.
The seeing the best in others, viewing the glass half
full instead of empty. Staying true to the family's
needs for honesty and integrity.
Functionality--this
is what Satir talked about--what I had been so hungry
for coming from a family that did not know how to
handle conflict without isolating, blaming, giving
in or manipulating. Which I had allowed in my own
children's lives when they were young, because it
was all I knew how to do.
Then I
met Virginia Satir, took her training and slowly started
to clean up my act. The determination to be direct
and straight in all my relationships had paid off
not only in my life but also in my children's. Probably
the best investment in life that I had ever made was
those dollars spent for training with Virginia Satir.
She taught me techniques to heal my own long-held-hurts
from my own family pain and to deal straight with
others. My children learned through my directness
what they had not been taught earlier on. Now the
payoffs in good mental health continue through the
next generation.
Then I
thought about what breaks into a functional family
system. What stressors cause husband and wife to pull
apart, distance and slowly erode the love that they
had pledged? The external stressors are job loss,
financial strain, illness and too busy schedules resulting
in not taking time for each other. Extensive job demands
and work holism can result in family pressures and
strain pulling parents away from the needs of the
children. Telling children that the negative feelings
they have aren't real.
But it's
the adaptations to the stressors that define functionality.
It's the way we cope with stress and conflict not
what happens to us. The inspirational literature is
full of examples of people with severe adversity in
their life who make it against the odds. The difference
between winners and losers seems to be how we cope
with failure, with betrayal, with trauma and with
those aspects in those we love that are so irritating.
It's the inner demons that create dysfunctional families.
The internal
strains come from fear and unmet needs deep in the
psyche that create giving in too much and giving up
one's self or conversely, selfishness, egocentricity
and refusal to see problems from the other person's
point of view. The demons not addressed slay the integrity
of the self. Not having a way to negotiate conflict
and fight in healthy ways sets the stage for below-the-belt-fighting.
Refusal to know one's own anger results in expressing
it sideways in manipulation or aggression. Denial
of one's problems--not owning up and dealing with
addictive needs create the most severe forms of dysfunction
in families. Alcohol and substance abuse, reacting
to physical attractions and affairs with people outside
of the marriage, partying and going to bars, etc.;
these addictions create chasms in relationships. All
of these behaviors create distance and anger in relationships
and wreck havoc on children.
Now I
know that my daughter and her husband will meet times
of adversity; their family may not always be so functional.
No person is so lucky to go through life without hard
knocks. But help is available for the asking to help
families gain strategies and skills for dealing with
tough times. Trials and tribulations can create character
and depth of being or there can be a giving up into
depression or refusal to take responsibility. Those
tantalizing demons of fear, addictive urges, denial
and defensiveness can be tamed. It's what we do with
adversity that creates the life well lived or one
of despair.
So I got
to thinking about what we need to teach children to
prepare them for times when life does knock them around?
What tools and techniques do children need to prepare
themselves for the difficult times in life? As we
move into this new century, what is the best that
we can teach our children so that they will be self-reliant?
What is it to be really fully human living free and
expressive? Why don't we teach children the truth
of what they are--a beautiful expression of love?
So in
response to these poignant questions, which have to
do not only with our creating inner peace, but also
peace in our world, I wrote a tribute to what Virginia
Satir taught . . .
What
if every child were taught that . . .
.... Feelings,
especially bad ones, are just that--feelings come
and go and can be watched and called by their name
and released. That uncomfortable feelings can be self
soothed by rubbing your body and breathing deeply
when upset or hurt. That feelings of anger, disappointment
and sadness can be talked about in safe ways with
people who help you understand them. That fears are
mice with nervous stomachs with megaphones.
.... Scrapes
and small fixes can be gotten out of by using the
old noggin to problem solve. That you are responsible
for the consequences of actions and to think before
speaking or acting. That learning sometimes involves
making errors. That it's okay to make a mistake with
the choice to learn from it. That taking responsibility
and making amends for what you did wrong is one of
the biggest boosters to self-esteem. That constructive
criticism can be listened to use as a challenge to
do better next time. That you can choose love people
who are problem solvers and do not sweep issues under
the rug.
...Failure
is part of life and the determination to get up and
try again is a handy tool to deal with it. That the
negative dialogue with oneself after failing can be
stopped. That you fail only when you give up and let
failure get you down by defining yourself as a failure.
That the world can be seen through the lens of optimism.
That there are some things that you can change and
some things that just need to be accepted.
.... Grownups
are responsible for handling their own pain. Children
need not take in the negative feelings of others.
Kids should be kids. Kids should not be expected to
take care of adults who are hurting or choose to remain
caught in addictions. That good help is available
for those who want it and make it happen.
.... There
are those in the world who don't feel good about themselves
who use put downs and bad labels. Unkind words can
be refused and deflected rather than internalized.
.... Conflict
is inevitable. That confrontation and threat can be
met with techniques of fair fighting and conflict
resolution. That denial of anger is a defense that
sets up an unhappy life. That anger is a normal human
emotion that can be expressed appropriately.
.... The
darker aspects of yourself are part of being human
and are to be understood and transformed rather than
be denied or railed against. Learn to be empathetic
with the darker aspects of others while holding them
responsible for their cruel deeds.
.... Those
exciting high feelings of addiction that come from
doing something unhealthy or dangerous are a trap
for an unsatisfying life. That the addictive highs
should not be used to distract from or medicate pain.
That there are feel good solutions--healthy addictions
to help alleviate stress and conflict.
.... You
don't always get your way and that's okay. That the
feeling good that comes from trying to gain power
over or hurting others is a pseudo self-esteem. Feelings
of power gained at the loss of someone else are only
temporary and destructive to both involved. That personal
power brings about more joy than power over others.
True self esteem comes from satisfaction of living
according to the Higher Self.
.... We
are all brothers and sisters of one big family and
that skin color and individual differences are to
be celebrated. That life is precious in every form
and is to be respected.
...You
are truly a child of the Universe created in love
to love and be loved. To get love from those who can
give it and stop trying to get it from those of stone.
That love is your Original Birthright. That no matter
what the confusion or question, love is always the
answer.
Flash! Flash!
To Teach Children These Skills You Must Use Them Yourself!
Yes Virginia Satir, There is such a Thing as Functional
Families!
REMEMBER, NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM, LOVE IS ALWAYS
THE ANSWER.
BE GENTLE AND LOVING WITH YOURSELF.
Sample
Spiritual Article:
Quote
for the Week of Jan. 28, 2001:
'This week,
this month, discover your joy. Discover what you are
effective at and makes you feel good. Discover your
goodness.
Write
it down. Begin in small, simple steps to expand on
this. There is a great spiritual opportunity here.
You will discover your purpose in life in the process.
Act as
if this can "be" and can "happen" and miracles will
truly come from it.
The
Power Squared and Global Consciousness Shifts!
There
is a massive shift of consciousness taking place on
the planet. Because the energy or power of a group
with a common vision increases in direct square proportion
to the size of the group, 73,500 people with a unified
vision of global peace and human dignity would have
the equivalent potential to facilitate this massive
consciousness shift. (73,500 squared equals 5,402,250,000
people)....
Connecting
your vision with others is the way to bring about
desired change....Personal power begins with one's
relationship with the Divine and the drawing of "right
intention" into one's life and one's living..)
-- Meredith Young-Sowers
Finding
the Small, Still Voice Within
Lynne
Namka, Ed. D © 1996
If
you love Me, keep my commands, and I shall ask the
Father and He will give you another Helper to stay
with you forever, the Spirit of Truth whom the world
cannot receive, because it neither perceives nor understands
Him. You know Him, for He remains with you and will
be within you.
John
14: 15-17 The Bible, Revised Berkeley Version
In following
our own personal vision for healing our self and the
planet, we face an exciting challenge. The challenge
is to become the most loving, self-actualized individuals
that we can become. We have the tools to do this now
with the self-help groups, personal growth workshops,
therapeutic techniques and spiritual guidance that
are available. We are being given the opportunity
to achieve our highest spiritual level, and in doing
so, to change the world. Following our vision is easier
if we have a process that encourages us during times
of doubt. As Naomi Stephan said, 'You have a calling
which exists only for you and which only you can fulfill.'
Visionaries
from all times and ages have been strengthened by
listening to their inner wisdom as they followed their
unique spiritual journeys. This time is about each
individual learning to turn inward to listen to their
Highest Self so that they can live in full consciousness
and integrity to work for healing of our planet.
Understanding
our self limiting beliefs about being unworthy of
being loved and finding our true spiritual selves
are the keys to release from pain and suffering. We
can learn to find our spiritual nature, which is essentially
loving to combat those feelings of inadequacy and
unworthiness. The Quakers as well as many other religious
traditions have the concept of "centering down" or
having an 'inner meeting of one' by communing directly
with the God who lives within. The process of following
your vision starts with developing a loving relationship
with yourself. It is to turn away from the voices
of fear and remember that you are LOVE.
To do
so, we must learn to tune into that "small, quiet
voice withinČ which calls us. This is the voice that
has been echoed in the sacred literature of the world.
It is the voice that bids us to be who we were meant
to be, pulling us forward through dreams, hunches
and intuition to provide information about ourselves.
It gives us the key to living from the part of us
that hold the most integrity. Learning to use this
voice, commonly called our Inner Wisdom or Higher
Power, on a daily basis is the most important thing
we can do in recovering from the hold of material
objects and harmful addictions.
Steps
to Develop Your Inner Teacher
Your Inner
Teacher takes the place of outside authority and guidance
as you listen to your conscience and receive guidance.
The Bible tells us, "Be ye transformed by the renewing
of your mind." Developing your intuition can become
a daily act that will transform your life. Meditate
upon your concern. At first ask questions of your
Inner Wisdom that can be answered in the "yes" or
"no" format. Listen quietly to the messages that you
receive. The voice may be hesitant at first or it
may come only part of the time. Pose open-ended questions
several ways such as "May I do.....? " or "Shall
I .....?" One formula to use is "Is it in my
best and most perfect good for me to....?" or "Is
it in my highest and best interests to....?" Watch
your wording. Your Inner Guidance will take the question
literally. Ask for the clearest message that you need
for guidance on the specific concern at hand. Sometimes
a quiet question will suffice. "What would you
have me do?"
Once you
master accessing the Inner Wisdom, you can use it
to gain answers to take on any specific matter. Asking
for wisdom with the proper intent can be helpful in
clearing the fears that are present. Your intent in
seeking inner guidance should be to know your innermost
loving self. Ask to have any fear or selfish ego thinking
set aside so that you may truly know what is right
for you. The Inner Wisdom's purpose is guidance, not
to be a fortuneteller. Do not try to use it for amassing
personal gain, but only to guide you on your spiritual
path. Don't ask for information of the stock market
or where to drill for oil. It is best to make contact
with the Inner Voice with the goals of letting go
of ego attachments and developing humility.
Clarity
and Discernment
Your truth
is known when all parts of yourself are comfortable
with what has been revealed. This is that "small,
still voice within" that resounds with recognition.
Your truth is that knowledge that brings tears of
recognition to your eyes and gives a resounding "Yes!"
in your heart. According to Gandhi, "Truth is what
the voice inside tells you." The knowledge may come
through as a voice, as a knowing or as a visual experience.
Once you learn to access your Inner Wisdom, there
is no question to which you cannot gain the answer.
Discernment
is absolutely necessary in recognizing the one true
voice from other voices that you may hear. The Inner
Wisdom voice is not the voice of your parents or other
authorities in society. It is not a guilt-driven "should,
must, have to or ought to." The true voice has a different
vibration and shifts you out of the fear, guilt and
obligation to knowing what is right for you based
on love. It is the quietness of knowing that comes
through, causing a release of body tension. It is
the "Aha!" and the deep knowing behind the message
by discerning what is right for you. It is profound
and at the same time extremely light. Some call it
"the truth that feels like you." The answer of truth
will feel 'right'--it will feel satisfying and peaceful.
When there
is conflict, still your mind and ask, "What is it
that I really need to know? What is in my best interests
about this matter?" You can choose to laugh at the
tug of war that sometimes goes on between your conscious
mind and your Inner Wisdom. The difference is that
the conscious mind may be caught in fear and addictions
whereas being connected to the greater Intelligence
of the universe; the Inner Wisdom comes from love
and the yearning to be whole. A Course in Miracles
tells us that there are two basic emotions--love and
fear. Love and fear are opposing emotions that cannot
occur at the same time--where love is fear cannot
be and vice versa. When you turn to the loving aspect
of your Inner Wisdom, you bypass the fear.
There
are some strong considerations to be followed when
you contact and use the Inner Voice. Continue to check
to insure that the messages you get are consistent
with your sense of your highest self. People who use
the Inner Voice should be aware that continually checking
is necessary to determine whether the information
is of the highest level and purity.
Once you
learn to recognize the strength and power of your
Inner Wisdom, you will better understand how the discernment
process of sorting out the true from the false voice.
The determination of its authencity then becomes how
well it works for you. As the Bible reminds us "What
are the fruits of the labor?" If the fruits are beautiful
and abundant, the voice is in alignment with everything
that is truth for you. The ultimate test of truth,
according to Gandhi, is the refusal to do harm to
yourself or another individual.
Daily
practice and hindsight vision will convince you of
the accuracy of the answers that comes through when
you tune inward. Check the results of your decisions
when you have followed the advice of the Inner Voice.
Keep track of the wisdom and changes that it brings
into your life. As your confidence builds, you will
find yourself turning to your inner guidance more
and more for important decisions. Your conscious mind
will become more in tune with the inner self so that
you need not ask on small matters. Your intuition
will develop more so that decisions are made with
conscious mind and Inner Wisdom working together.
You will experience less conflict in your life as
you have a means of always knowing what is right and
correct for you.
As you
learn to recognize the genuine authority of your Inner
Wisdom, you will realize the power that you hold is
within your own being. Daily practice seeking your
own truth instead of relying on others helps validate
the guidance that you are being given. Trust in the
process of seeking within grows as a tenure of your
experience. Once you are certain of the validation
of the voice that you hear as being consistent for
your growth and well being, the process becomes an
automatic part of your spiritual practice.
Your Inner
Wisdom will lead you to places that you do not want
to go, as it will send you to places where you will
challenge your fear. It will tell you things about
your integrity that you may not want to hear. If you
need to leave an unhealthy situation but stay because
of fear, you will be shown the way. The Inner Wisdom
will be there for you if you turn to it daily for
guidance.
Peace and
joy,
Lynne
Namka
Licensed Psychologist,
'I slept and dreamt that life was joy,
I awoke and saw that life was service,
I acted
and behold, service was joy.'
Rabindranath Tagore
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