Too
often a child is punished by being sent to
Time Out with angry yelling, 'Go to your room!'
The parents are mad and the child is mad and
no one learns anything. The child then sulks
and feels resentful instead of learning how
he could act better next time. Positive discussion
after Time Out empowers the child into feeling
good about taking responsibility for his own
behavior rather than hold a grudge.
Talking
after leaving Time Out helps work things out
between you and your child. It can also help
bring his strong feelings down if you put
a positive spin on it. Time outs can be used
for teaching your child to be more in control
of his behavior.
Help
your child understand his behavior and angry
feelings and learn better ways of acting in
the future. This exercise is an adaptation
of Time Out procedure we used in our school
for children with severe emotional and behavior
problems where I worked for seven years.
These
questions give your child a framework for
learning from the experience and teach the
message that mistakes are made for learning.
If your child is unwilling to go through these
simple steps, send him back to Time Out. Cheerfully
give him the message that he needs more time
to think about what happened to get him in
trouble.
What behavior caused you to go to time-out?
Clarify any vague answer given by the child.
You had to go to time out because you hit
your brother.' Now tell me why did you have
to go to time out?
Tell me about the uncomfortable feelings you
were caught in.
The research shows that families who encourage
children to talk about and then problem solved
created a sense of mastery in children which
carried over to good self esteem and doing
well in school.
Was what you did a very good thing to do?
Why not?
Help the child to make a judgment and process
his feelings by giving him rationale and rules
about what is expected of him. Then ask him
to repeat the judgment back to you.
What could you do next time when you are upset?
Help your child problem solve and come up
with several alternatives he could choose
from instead of the acting out behavior.
What Helper Words can you use to keep your
cool the next time?
Coach your child to say,'I cool myself off.
I breathe and make good choices. I keep my
cool. Etc.
See my Angries Out web site (www.AngriesOut.com)
for other Helper
Words listed under 'I Stop My Bully Behavior.'
How will you feel if you make a better choice
the next time?'Good. Great. Fantastic. Better
about myself. Proud for using my head. Etc'.
After your child processes his emotions and
owns his misbehavior, really lay it on thick
about how proud you are of him. Brag about
how he can look at his part in a problem and
come up with a better solution for next time.
Use affirmation cues to reinforce his growing
and learning:
I'm proud of you for taking responsibility
for your behavior.
You can feel good about the problem solving
and figure out how to do things differently
next time.
Your can feel powerful inside for taking responsibility
for what you did wrong.
Whatever from of correction method you chose,
remember to leave your child feeling good
about himself.
Children are subject to the self-fulfilling
prophecy, which says they become as others
view them. Remember the old saying,'What you
think of me, I'll think of me. What I think
of me, I'll become.'
Resources
This worksheet for processing Time Out is
adapted from my curriculum, Take Time Out
To Understand Yourself Kit, which is available
from my catalog on our web site at www.AngriesOut.com.
The lesson plans present in the kit present
time out as a learning experience rather than
a punishment.
My article for parent of angry children is
available at parent8.htm
