Too often a child is punished by being sent
to Time Out with angry yelling, 'Go to your
room!' The parents are mad and the child is
mad and no one learns anything. The child then
sulks and feels resentful instead of learning
how he could act better next time. Positive
discussion after Time Out empowers the child
into feeling good about taking responsibility
for his own behavior rather than hold a grudge.
Talking
after leaving Time Out helps work things out
between you and your child. It can also help
bring his strong feelings down if you put a
positive spin on it. Time outs can be used for
teaching your child to be more in control of
his behavior.
Help
your child understand his behavior and angry
feelings and learn better ways of acting in
the future. This exercise is an adaptation of
Time Out procedure we used in our school for
children with severe emotional and behavior
problems where I worked for seven years.
These
questions give your child a framework for learning
from the experience and teach the message that
mistakes are made for learning. If your child
is unwilling to go through these simple steps,
send him back to Time Out. Cheerfully give him
the message that he needs more time to think
about what happened to get him in trouble.
What behavior caused you to go to time-out?
Clarify any vague answer given by the child.
You had to go to time out because you hit your
brother.' Now tell me why did you have to go
to time out?
Tell me about the uncomfortable feelings you
were caught in.
The research shows that families who encourage
children to talk about and then problem solved
created a sense of mastery in children which
carried over to good self esteem and doing well
in school.
Was what you did a very good thing to do? Why
not?
Help the child to make a judgment and process
his feelings by giving him rationale and rules
about what is expected of him. Then ask him
to repeat the judgment back to you.
What could you do next time when you are upset?
Help your child problem solve and come up with
several alternatives he could choose from instead
of the acting out behavior.
What Helper Words can you use to keep your cool
the next time?
Coach your child to say,'I cool myself off.
I breathe and make good choices. I keep my cool.
Etc.
See my Angries Out web site (www.AngriesOut.com)
for other Helper
Words listed under 'I Stop My Bully Behavior.'
How will you feel if you make a better choice
the next time?'Good. Great. Fantastic. Better
about myself. Proud for using my head. Etc'.
After your child processes his emotions and
owns his misbehavior, really lay it on thick
about how proud you are of him. Brag about how
he can look at his part in a problem and come
up with a better solution for next time. Use
affirmation cues to reinforce his growing and
learning:
I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for
your behavior.
You can feel good about the problem solving
and figure out how to do things differently
next time.
Your can feel powerful inside for taking responsibility
for what you did wrong.
Whatever from of correction method you chose,
remember to leave your child feeling good about
himself.
Children are subject to the self-fulfilling
prophecy, which says they become as others view
them. Remember the old saying,'What you think
of me, I'll think of me. What I think of me,
I'll become.'
Resources
This worksheet for processing Time Out is adapted
from my curriculum, Take Time Out To Understand
Yourself Kit, which is available from my catalog
on our web site at www.AngriesOut.com.
The lesson plans present in the kit present
time out as a learning experience rather than
a punishment.
My article for parent of angry children is available
at parent8.htm
