"The
goal is to be as fully human as we possibly can
be…. when we are in touch with our personal power,
we are in touch with our Divinity."
--Virginia Satir
Virginia
Satir (1916-1988) was one of the major pioneers
in family therapy and my teacher. She was warm,
brilliant and knowing about the pain of being
human. She taught concepts that pulled us out
of the dysfunction of our families into a higher
consciousness way of thinking and acting. She
took the mental health field out of seeing people
with problems as "pathology" generated by the
psychiatric network of Freud into seeing people
as a product of their negative family scripts
which could be changed by learning to communicate
with feelings.
Virginia
traveled the world over with her teachings, which
were insightful and inspired, about how to become
a fully functioning human being centered in love.
She attracted a following of therapists, business
people, leaders and regular folks who then spread
her ideas through their own work and life.
Virginia
Satir changed my life completely. Before meeting
her, I was narrow minded, neurotic and physically
ill. My family rules were like others at the time-don't
talk about feelings and important things and deny
what people in the family do to hurt each other.
During a weekend workshop, she chose our table
(from about 25 others) to sit during lunch. She
invited me to study with her at her month long
summer training program and gave me a loan for
the tuition.
During
her first month long training, I learned so much
that I left behind the fear-laden woman that I
had been and became a deeper, wiser version of
myself. At one point she said to me, "Lynne, when
you can feel what you feel and say what you feel,
you won't have to turn those bad symptoms into
body symptoms and pain." At that moment I learned
to feel my feelings. Perhaps that is why I write
so passionately about getting in touch with your
feelings today.
After
taking Virginia's second month training a few
years later, I decided her ideas needed to be
more widespread. I incorporated many of her concepts
and techniques regarding straight communication
in my first book, The Doormat Syndrome.
Virginia
helped us learn to have authentic communication.
She taught techniques that helped us to be congruent
which is a way of acting where what is being felt
on the inside is expressed on the outside. When
you are congruent, you are aware of what you are
feelings and thoughts. Your body language expresses
on the outside expresses what you are feeling
on the inside. You state feelings and stay honest
and centered as you deal with conflict.
I
am who I am today, partly because of the energetic
woman who recognized the Divinity within me. I
can still hear her voice saying, "Marvelous, marvelous!"
I am forever grateful to Virginia Satir and the
effect she had my psyche and subsequently on my
life. So I pass some of her wisdom via her quotes
on to you.
Check
assumptions rather than acting on what you believe
to be true. Check with others to see what they
really mean.
Be straight forward and direct when communicating
with others.
Listen to that "Wisdom Box" that you have within
you when you seek the truth.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Ask for
what you want but know you will not always get
it.
I can remember when I asked her, "Virginia, do
you mean you can really ask for what you want?
(Not in my family, you couldn't!) She slapped
her knee and said, "Honey, you can always ask
for what you want!
Be responsible for what you think, say and do
rather than projecting it on others or denying
it.
Celebrate "differentness" in people. See differences
in others as an opportunity to learn and explore,
rather than as a threat or a signal for conflict
Treat people with how you
would wish them to be rather than blaming them.
Identify your "shoulds" or those beliefs that
you have grown up with that keep you caught in
craziness that are not necessarily true.
Be open to receiving feedback and listen to it
carefully because you might learn something about
yourself from it.
Be gentle and loving with yourself and others.
"I
want to love you without clutching, Appreciate
you without judging
Join you without invading,
Invite you without demanding,
Leave you without guilt,
Criticize you without blaming,
And help you without insulting.
If I can have the same from you,
Then we can truly meet each other."
"You
have learned what you have learned very well.
It has helped you survive."
Making
Contact
"I
believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having
from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them,
to be understood and touched by them."
"The
greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand
and to touch another person.
When this is done I feel contact has been made."
The
Five Freedoms
The FREEDOM to see and hear what is here, instead
of what should be, was, or will be.
The FREEDOM to say what you feel and think, instead
of what you should.
The FREEDOM to feel what you feel, instead of
what you ought.
The FREEDOM to ask for what you want, instead
of always waiting for permission.
The FREEDOM to take risks in your own behalf,
instead of choosing to be only "secure" and not
rocking the boat.
Virginia
wrote this in answer to a fifteen-year-old girl's
question, "How can I prepare myself for a fulfilling
life?"
"I
am me.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly
like me. There are persons who have some parts
like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. I
have some parts like others but I don't add up
to be exactly like anyone else. Therefore, everything
that comes out of me is authentically mine because
I alone chose it.
I own everything about me -- my body, including
everything it does; my mind, including all its
thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the image
of all my eyes behold; my feelings, whatever they
may be -- anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment,
excitement; my mouth and all that comes out of
it.... words, polite, sweet, or rough.... correct
and incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all
my actions, whether they be to others or myself.
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures
and mistakes. I own all my fantasies, my dreams,
my hopes, my fears.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately
acquainted with me. Being very well acquainted
with me, I can love me and be friendly with me
in all my parts.
In being well-acquainted with myself, loving myself,
and being friendly with myself, I can then make
it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know that there are aspects about myself I do
not know, and there are parts of me that puzzle
me.
As long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for the
solution to the puzzles and continually look for
ways to find out more about me -- how I look and
sound, what I say and do, and how I think and
feel.
No one else looks and sounds, says and does, and
thinks and feels exactly like me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do,
and whatever I think and feel at a given moment
is me. It is authentic and represents where I
am at that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded,
what I said and did, and how I thought and felt,
parts may turn out to be unfitting and I can discard
that which is unfitting and keep that which proved
fitting and learn something new for that which
I discarded.
I am me and I am okay.
I own me and therefore I can engineer me.
I can learn all the new things that I need and
discard all the things that no longer fit.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I will
then have the tools to survive, to be close to
others, to be productive, and to make sense and
order out of the world of people and things outside
of me."
"Integrity,
honesty, responsibility, compassion, love-all
flows easily from the person whose self-esteem
is high. He feels that he matters, that the world
is a better place because he is here. He has faith
in his own competence. He is able to ask others
for help, but he believes that he can make his
own decisions and is his own best resource. Appreciating
his own worth, he is ready to see and respect
the worth of others. He radiates trust and hope."
Books
by and about Virginia Satir
Virginia
Satir: Her Life & Circle of Influence by Melvin
M. Suhd, Laura Dodson, and Maria Gomori
Changing
with Families: Further Education for Being Human,
Bandler, Grinder, and Satir
Conjoint
Family Therapy, Virginia Satir
The
New Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir
The
Satir Approach to Communication: a Workshop Manual,
Johanna Schwab, Michele Baldwin, Jane Gerber,
Maria Gomori, and Virginia Satir
The
Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond Satir Step
by Step: A Guide to Creating Change in Families
Michele Baldwin
The
Doormat Syndrome, Lynne Namka
For
training in Satir concepts, visit The Virginia
Satir Network http://www.avanta.net/
http://www.sonoma.edu/users/d/daniels/Satirlinks.html
