This Report includes a collection of works by Lynne Namka, Ed. D., a Licensed Psychologist in private practice, which spans several years and has been updated in light of the growing problems associated with school violence.

©2001, Lynne Namka, Tucson, Arizona

A Forward 1


We Are All Part of the Problem. We Are All Part of the Solution. 4


So What Do We Do About School Violence? 6


Life's Injustices Set The Stage for Perception of


Threat and Aggressive Behavior 10


Resources: Organizations, Centers, Books and


Lists of Other School Safety Web Sites 14


Who Is In And Who Is OutHow Children View Their Peers 16


Children Who Are Traumatized by Bullying 18


Anger and Social Skill Deficits 20


Shame is the Shaper of Symptoms


The Disowned Part of the Self 22


"You Owe Me!" Children of Entitlement 26


Fuzzy Thinking: Reality Distortion and


Common Errors in Thinking 30


RepressorsGoing Through Life With an


Emotional Flat Line Except for Anger 32


ProjectionFirst Cast the Mote Out of Thine Own Eye! 33


The "Right Woman or Man Theory"


The "I Need To Be Right" Way of Thinking 35


PreventionChildren Do Not Have To Remain a


Victim of Their Anger 38


Social Skills for Dealing with Anger 42


How a Child Changes! Seven Steps to Freedom 44


An Open Letter to Parents of Children Who Have a Severe


Anger Problem 45





Recommended Books 47


About Dr. Namka 48

Contact!

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. Licensed Psychologist

"The Lady Who Knows About Mads"

520-797-0102 (office) 520-825-4766 (home)

lnamka@earthlink.net FAX 529-825-0556

<index.htm>

In the Words of a Parent of a Murdered Son, "Why Is This Happening and What Should We Do?"

The topic of school shooting is complicated and involves trauma, anger, defense mechanisms, internalization of the aggressor, shame, narcissism, revenge and the need to act out in ways that were done to the child. Drawing from my years helping students deal with their deepest psychological pain and my fascination on research on personality disorders, I explain the underlying psychological dynamics that turn nice kids into bullies.

Who Are The Attackers?: The Interim Secret Service Report on school violence says that there are no particular student type and no one common profiles to describe the children who shoot others. (The Secret Service Safe School Initiative report can be found at <http://www.treas.gov/usss/index.htm?ntac.htm&1>) There are, however, certain themes in the study that took place from 1974 to 2000. Patterns did emerge from the data on the 41 shooters, ages 11 to 21, from 37 school violence incidents. School violence decreased in the 1990s, then copycat aggression increased after the Columbine incident. Information was collected from journals and interviews with friends and the adolescents who were incarcerated.

Weapons were easily obtainable. Handguns and rifles were the most common weapons used. Most attackers had access to guns and previous training. Nearly two-thirds got the guns from their family or from a relative. A national survey of 15,000 teen-agers from the Josephson Institute of Ethics reported that one third of students do not feel safe at school and that twenty one percent of high school boys carry a gun or a blade.

The students who used guns at school just didn't just snap as previously thought. More than three-fourths planned their attack in advance after airing grievances at school. More than half described revenge as a motive. More than two-thirds cited multiple reasons. Plans were made in advance with half of them thinking about their revenge strategy for a two days to two weeks. Others made their plans over a longer period of time as shown by their writings in their journals. See, "Life's Injustices Set the Stage for Perception of Threat and Aggressive Behavior," page 10.

No One Style Fits All: The Secret Service Report said that there was no one profile that fit all of the shooters. Trying to find a profile does not work because the use of a profile identifies too many students. There were, however, certain patterns that did emerge from the data.

Some attackers came from intact families; some from foster care. A few were loners but most had friends. Some had good grades and some were failing. Prior to the attack, most showed behavior that brought them to the attention of school staff or authorities. Half threatened to kill themselves. Some wrote of desperation associated with aggressive acts. See, "Who Is In and Who Is OutHow Children View Their Peers," page 16.

More than half of the shooters described extreme depression and anxiety. Three-fourths had an important loss in relationships, a humiliating failure or a loss of status with their peers before the shooting. They did not have the coping skills to deal with loss, shame and embarrassment. Depression often is accompanied by a loss of interests. Some became alienated from healthy school activities and values. See, "Anger and Social Skill Deficits," page 20.

Emotional Scars That Covered Up Festering Wounds: Three-fourths of the students had mentioned suicide. Six killed themselves during the attack. Three-fourths of them did not have problems solving skills and viewed the planned violence as a way of solving their problem. As in suicide, the distraught person narrows their mind down to, "Death is the only way to deal with my pain and stress." Students who planned violence became preoccupied with a singular solution that involved death to others. According to the report, "Violence is a end result process . . ."

Many of the shooters who dwelled on revenge made lists of their targets. Other people in addition to the targets were included in half of the situations. They appeared to lose their empathy with others as human beings, seeing them as target to be killed. Chillingly, in half of the cases, the shooters tried to maximize the number of victims. See, "RepressorsGoing Through Life With An Emotional Flat Line, Except For Anger," page 32.

The Taboo Against Being a Snitch: School shooters often told peers of their desire to kill people, but these threats were not reported to authorities. Children are socialized with the peer code of "Don't tattle." The attackers rarely told an adult. One fourth of the attackers told their plan to their target victim. Their friends either did not believe them or felt it was an act of betrayal to tell authorities. Some friends laughed the threat off. One friend said, "He said that it'd be cool to kill people. He said he could probably get away with it . . ." "I kind of blew that off too." In almost half of the cases, their friends encouraged the violent plan in about one third of the cases. In one case, the students who heard about a planned killing gathered to watch it in an overhead balcony instead of alerting help.

Coping with Pain by Fantasy About Revenge: Fantasy thoughts about revenge are a common motive mentioned along with despair, hate and rage. The children who turned on their peers had lost their hope and faith in people. One young man wrote, "Hate drives me . . . I am so full of rage . . . Everyone is against me . . . As soon as my hope is gone, people die." Dwelling on revenge and hate can push the embittered student to a sense of entitlement of "I've been hurt so I can hurt others." The Josephson Institute of Ethics report said that twenty seven percent of middle schoolers and thirty one percent of high schoolers think that it okay to hit or threaten others and seventy percent have hit at least one person in the last year. See, "You Owe Me!" Children Of Entitlement," page 26.

Trauma creates Fuzzy Thinking: The Secret Service Report said that school shooters had distorted thoughts about getting even in fantasy, in their writings. Three-fourths of the shooters held a grudge against certain their target. Some of the grievances were real; some were imagined. As the shooter dwelled on the injustice, it escalated in his mind until he perceived that the only way out was to kill someone. One shooter said, "My HATrid tord humanity forced me to do what I did . . . know parenting had nothing to do with what happens today. It seems my sanity has slipped away and something evil has taken its place..." See, "ProjectionFirst Cast the Mote Out of Thine Own Eye!" page 33.

People who make the decision to kill others have distorted thinking. Their thought patterns of life as being fair starts to erode and is replaced by a view that the world is out to get them. They start to be that they should strike out at others. They are overwhelmed with anger and hate and lack good coping skills to deal with the intensity of their emotions. See, "Fuzzy Thinking: Reality Distortion and Common Errors In Thinking," page 30.

Bullying Begets Bullying: Loss is a common denominator with the resulting feelings of sadness, loneliness and feeling unempowered. The study said that two-thirds of the attackers reported that they had been bullied and tormented by other children. Being picked on by others and not having the social skills to deal with the harassment is a common theme in today's youth. The American Psychiatric Association has associated being subjected to harassment from classmates as a factor that can encourage a child to turn to violence.

Put Downs: Words Do Hurt: Students who are singled out for abuse by their classmates feel dismissed and disenfranchised by their classmates. Others learn what their psychological buttons are and push them relentlessly. On boy who had fired at others told of the verbal abuse he had suffered, "Reject, retard, loser.' I remember 'stick boy' a lot, 'cause I was so thin." Anger and rage can turn to alienation and a lack of caring about others. One boy said, "Most of them didn't care. I just felt like nobody cared. I just wanted to hurt or kill them all." See, "Children Who Are Traumatized by Bullying," page 18.

The SS Report says that schools that tolerate bullying will produce students who are more likely to resort to violence. In a letter to the editor of the Arizona Daily Star, Lisa McLaren said, "As a recent high school graduate, I was witness to many young adults just like Andy and the daily torment that they faced. Why is this behavior tolerated at school? In my experience, much of it has simply been ignored. Teachers are only willing to step in if a problem becomes physical . . . We need to foster a more professional attitude in our high schools where this type of "pecking order" mentality is severely punished."

Not All Bullied Children Resort to Violence: Most children who are hurt by their peers do not pass violence on. What factors distinguish the "shooter" from the child who goes on with his life, however traumatized? I believe the major factor in children who resort to killing others is internalized shame. They use an ineffective coping mechanism of using fantasy to get revenge and show others. Shooters become more obsessed with violence. Their self-esteem and identity becomes invested in getting even. See, "Shame Is the Shaper of Symptoms The Disowned Part of the Self," page 22.

We only hear about the children whose drastic action makes the news. There are many more young people experiencing rejection, pain, isolation and the resultant anger, who live lives of quiet desperation. According to Dr. Will Pollack, author of Real Boys and Real Boys' Voices, "Obviously, school shooters are the tip of an iceberg. That's the bad news."

Reporter, Kathleen Parker of the Orlando Sentinel sums it up: "Happy" little yuppie children, from prosperous, dual-parent families are as likely as anyone to suffer from advanced "self-esteemia," the narcissistic notion that life (and death) flow through oneself even at the expense of other lesser lives. What does matter is we have a generation of kids who don't know how to handle simple obstacles (bullies) or inevitable failures (rejection) and who, owing to their culture of violence, delusions of self-grandeur and habit of instant gratification, are comfortable resorting to the quickest remedy."

The 1998 survey of 15,686 students from six graders to 10th graders from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development shows the prevalence of bullying in current teenage society. The study was reported in the Journal of American Medical Association. Overall, 30 percent of students reported occasional or frequent bullying which was defined as negative verbal or physical behavior towards another less powerful person. A number of schools have adopted anti-bullying programs. According to an Associated Press report, Colorado is considering legislation which would require districts to provide intervention programs. Also noted was the use of intervention programs which have been instituted in Europe.

We Are All Part of the Problem. We Are All Part of the Solution.

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., ©2001

Problems in society rarely have a singular cause. Life is just not that simple. One cause, one solution is a simplistic, mechanicalistic way to address a problem that is ineffective.

We live in a complex social system that has interactive effects. We are all interconnected. A system is two people, a family, a neighborhood, a community, a planet, etc. Systems Theory says that all events in a system are modified by all other events. The behavior of one-person changes in reaction to the people with which he comes in contact and he, in turn, changes them.

Emotions and behavior are contagious. What Person A does affects Person B, who then reacts to A's behavior which affects B again. Interactions of all the members of the system affect each member of the system and the greater whole. Every time we, as adults, look the other way when we see a child being put down and do not object, we add to the problem. When we use anger and violence to solve our own problems, we contribute to the overall climate that condones aggression.

We need to understand and work with the systematic nature of violence. We need to help young people who are searching for their identity answer basic questions such as "Does anyone really care? Am I a worthwhile individual? And Who am I?" Young people in despair need to have this basic need of being accepted while they sort through the challenges of the difficult teenage years. The child who is hurting sends out signals. Aggressive behaviors are observable and the system where that child lives and goes to school can become supportive.

No School Shooter is an Island

As a society, we are fascinated with violence. Witness the violent, action movies that are well attended, the number of law and order television shows and six of the twelve best-selling books on the New York Times list with a story about murder. Money talks. When we buy the tickets, purchase the books and the video games, we increase the television ratings by tuning in; we vote for violence. Authors, producers, directors, video game designers listen and give us more of the same. This obsession with the dark side of human nature has filtered down to our young people. So who is to blame?

Should we put singular blame on the student who brings a gun to school to kill? Or his distorted thinking about his getting revenge and winning his fifteen minutes of fame. Or do we blame the bullies who have abused him for years, making his life a living hell? Or the classmates who do not stand up and tell bullies that their behavior is wrong? Or the students themselves who perpetuate cliques and exclusion that send a message of "throw away" people? Or do we blame the teachers who look the other way when children are being called names and verbally abused? Or to the friends who laugh off and dismiss the threats of the attacker or egg him on? Or do we blame any of us who are naive enough to believe that suppressed rage in a young person will not erupt into carnage at our school? Those of us who dismiss copycat incidents are living in denial that it will not happen to our loved ones or us. Or any of us who dismiss the depths of the bullying problem and how it is perpetuating as more young people who are being traumatized and acting out in rage.

Or do we blame the counselors and therapists who are unqualified to handle such serious cases? Or blame the principals who are over taxed with numerous discipline problems, angry parents, excessive paper work and governmental regulations? Or blame the school board members who are unaware of the magnitude of the problem in the schools? Or blame the senators and representatives who cut educational dollars contributing to large class sizes in schools? Or blame the government officials who decrease educational spending for the poor? Or blame so-called "experts" who have a political agenda and push one cause of violence to meet their own needs.

Or blame the parents who do not know how to help their children with their pain of being bullied? Or blame the parents who have unsecured guns at home? Or blame the parents who are not available to their children caught up in alcohol or drugs? Or blame the parents who do not have the answers to kids who are spiraling out of control? Or blame the single parents who are so overworked trying to put food on the table, they are unaware of what pain their child is facing? Or blame corporate greed that lays company workers off for better profit ratios while creating more stress on already overly stressed families.

Or blame the gun makers who lobby for laws that make easy assess to guns? Or blame the suppliers who sell steel to gun makers? Or blame the lawmakers who pass laws making it easy for guns to fall into the wrong hands? Or blame the hate groups that try to woo young people to their causes. Or blame those who post web site advocating violence and show how to make explosive weapons? Or blame the eco-terrorists and anti-abortionists who use violence to advocate their own position and try to promote social change?

Or blame the screenwriters, producers, directors and actors that portray violence in movies giving the message that it is acceptable to solve problems with violence? Or blame the young people who buy rap music that glorifies violence saying that it is "cool?" Or blame the news media that plays up the shootings feeding the public's need for voyeurism? Or blame the computer games and video arcade games that train youngsters to kill? Or blame the police who commit more violence on members of minority groups? Or blame individuals who are cruel to others due to their prejudicial thinking?

The problem of young people and violence is systemic. We are in denial if we think the problem simple. We all contribute to it by standing by and letting it happen while pointing fingers of blame at others.

Many of our children are angry and they are letting us know by their behavior. As the cartoon character, Pogo said, "We have met the enemy and he is us."
So What Do We Do About School Violence?

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., ©2001

Use Proven Models that Work With Young People: The Safe, Disciplined, and Drug-Free Schools Expert Panel lists Promising and Exemplary Programs that demonstrate a reduction in student acting out behavior. School districts that adopt programs that teach respect for others, inclusion of all, stopping bullying and put downs see the difference in their children. We don't have to reinvent the wheel, just polish it. The research is there to show school boards, administrator and teachers that programs do work to bring students together working cooperatively. The research shows that organized peer support systems in schools was effective in reducing some forms of bullying in schools. Research also shows that schools that train older pupils as counselors for younger children are successfully helping to stop bullyingalthough some boys may feel embarrassed to be seen as users of this approach.

The Safe and Drug Free School Programs website can be reached at http://www.ed.gov/offices/OESE/SDFS/ . The International Association of Chief of Police has an informational site at http://www.theiacp.org/pubinfo/Research/ythvio.htm .

Reclaim the Schools: Create a "We're all in this together." school climate. Words of disgust and contempt set up walls between people and destroy the self-esteem of both bully and victim. Sarcasm and hostility create an "us versus them" mentality. With concerted effort, administrators and student counsels at the school can encourage behaviors that emphasize kindness. Teach and demand civility and respect for all.

Children from the "in crowd" can show kindness by speaking to everyone while walking down the hall is cool. Popular children in the schools carry a lot of power that they typically do not use for the greater good for all. They can speak up against harassment to set school values of civility and respect to all. By starting in elementary school, children who are well liked by others can convince those who tease the nerds and underdeveloped kids to lay-off. A climate of caring, inclusion and pride in being a member of that school can be encouraged rather than emphasizing cliques and groups that exclude people.

Students value feedback from their fellow classmates more than from any other source. Peer counselors can be trained to listen to those who experience social problems. Students need a more mature friend who could listen and counteract the irrational thinking and despair that lead them down that singular path of violence. Instruct children on the true meaning of the word "friend" and help them expand their classes of friends. For example, having "bus stop buddies" could mean being friendly and inclusion of everyone at the bus stop, while recognizing that it does not mean that they are best friends.
Address the culture of brutality that starts to slip into the schools during the elementary years and grows year after year. Create slogans that say, "Violence is not a laughing matter. We are all in this together." Teach children that real men can be vulnerable and sensitive. Help the students see that the practice of using sarcasm and trading insults can escalate into name-calling and cruelty.

Train the Teachers How to Work with Bullying and the Resultant Pain: The child who plans to kill another human being typically gives signals that he needs help. Train teachers on how to work with conflictual children who resist authority and are defiant. Develop programs where school staff and volunteers learn listening skills and provide opportunities for young people to share feelings of being disenfranchised. Psychological research shows that disclosure of stress is associated with well-being, and increased self-esteem. See, "Prevention Children Do Not Have To Remain A Victim of Their Anger."

Insist Students Take Responsibility for Unacceptable Behavior: Minimize discipline techniques that emphasize guilt and punishment, which lead to students fuming and focusing on getting revenge. Maximize discipline, which encourages taking responsibility for one's actions and understanding one's behavior. Help children learn to feel good about cleaning up their acting out behavior. Most students want to do better. They do not have the tools to change, and are tremendously relieved when someone takes an interest in them and shows them what to do.

A recent Associated Press report of 12-school system headlined "School violence precautions futile." The article noted that three weeks after authorities installed full-time police officers and created crisis plans, there was another shooting. The article ends by saying that "Experts say it's not possible to eliminate the threat of school violence, but they believe that it can be minimized with increased security and other measures."

Break Into the False Self Esteem: What some people call good self esteem in young people, which is an over inflated view of one's self based on pride and arrogance, is actually false esteem. Rewarding any effort with indiscriminate praise brings about a false sense of standards. Unconditional reinforcement, which does is not contingent on good or excellent performance, has created children who think they are special for doing any kind of work at all. They feel that they are special and should get special privileges such as not having to do their work. Along with this is the inability to take criticism. Gang members, hardened criminals spousal abusers and bullies share this mindset of being above others and thus feel entitled to hurt them.

Children with false self-esteem develop defenses against being criticized, thus disavowing any negative feedback crucial to the learning process. Critical thinking skills and judging one's work with high expectations along with the teaching of humility, modesty and the ability to receive criticism without become deflated will help children prepare for the real world of relationships and work.


Take Student Pain and Threats of Violence Seriously: Get kids talking about their grievances before the anger and rage build up. Create peer counseling, conflict resolution and mediation programs. Identify the high-risk children and arrange for social support and mentoring by older responsible students. According to a recent newspaper report, the fourteen year old girl who shot a classmate said that she did it to make the victim "know her pain" as she had been called "idiot, stupid, fat, ugly, faggot, whatever."

Teach Assertiveness Training to Victim Kids and Empathy Skills to Children Who Bully and Anger Management to Everyone: Children who are hurt and children who hurt others are usually are different sides of the same coin but require somewhat different teachings. There are basic social skills that everyone needs to learn to function well in our society such as management of anger. The children who are bullied need to learn setting strong boundaries and coping with threat skills. The child who picks on others needs to learn respect, and the skill of putting himself in the victim's shoes. See, "Social Skills For Dealing With Anger."

Becoming a Heart Centered Nation: Examine and research the suggestions for discipline and management techniques made in discipline approaches that emphasize respect and taking responsibility for misbehavior. Children who are raised with discipline methods of being responsible for their own thoughts, attitudes and behaviors feel better about themselves and more connected to their fellow students. The necessary steps to becoming a fully functional human being include understanding ourselves, breaking into our learned ways of blaming others, and trying to control them through anger, withdrawal, and intimidation.

The Law of Correction says that Whoever Messes Up the Environment Must Clean it Up. Programs that stress logical, rational consequences for behavior teach important lessons about owning and changing one's behavior. For example, the child who spray paints graffiti on a building must apologize to the owner, clean the wall and repaint it. The concept of Overcorrection is doing more than just correcting the damage that has been done. An Overcorrection technique in this situation might be apologizing to each person in the neighborhood where the wall is and talking to other children about the importance of respecting the property of others. The discipline techniques of Correction and Overcorrection give the young person pause for cause regarding their inappropriate behavior.

Change the Meaning of "Snitching" and "Narcing:" Create an open system where everyone understands that it is absolutely necessary to report violence. The code of silence is strong in young people with allegiance to the peer group. Make a distinction between tattling and giving disturbing information that may help others by giving them examples when it is important to talk to an adult. Help students understand that reporting violence is absolutely necessary and it is not "snitching" or "narcing." Put the brunt of responsibility on the students themselves making the "human metal detectors."

Students can learn that it is necessary to notify proper authorities when there is implied harm to either self or others. This is a discrimination that can be taught and entered into the school culture. Clear guidelines, fully communicated to the students, would help decrease the conflict about reporting on other kids. Groups of children who hear threats can notify authorities, thus lessening the pressure on any one student. Laws can be passed that give monies for legal fees for any student whose parents are sued because they notify authorities.

Condone Bullying, Violence and Rejection of One Group by Another: Societies that condone violent behavior allow it to happen. School districts that have a zero violence policy that is stressed to the children will have fewer children who become violent. The effects of speaking out and standing up to abuse can help change the social conditions that support it. Professor Dan Olweus of the University of Bergen developed a countrywide program of stopping bullying in Norway. As a result of the teacher training, and a nationwide campaign, bullying decreased and a friendlier culture developed. Schools can teach programs that emphasize friendship building, honesty, tolerance and compassion for those less fortunate.

Bring in New Models for Decreasing Prejudice and Conflict: Curriculums can be enriched to teach moral values of respect, courtesy, tolerance, social responsibility and values clarification. Teaching children perspective taking, decision making, integrating different views and critical thinking will help create a climate of cooperation and caring. Social problems can be examined from the perspective of W. Ryan's classic book, Blaming the Victim. We can help students challenge the "us" versus "them" mentality wherever it pops up.

The YWCA in Tucson, AZ has launched "It's Time to Talk" campaign that brings people from all walks of life. People with different skin colors laud this program as raising awareness of the experiences of those different from them. Churches, workplaces and social service agencies sponsor these low cost discussion groups for "Unlearning Racism." Some college courses assign these workshops as part of their course work. The American Friends church sponsors ongoing trainings on conflict negotiation that teach people the necessary skills of getting along with others when there is friction and controversy.
Teacher Tolerance Magazine offers a free magazine to teachers, religious and community leaders, health-care providers and other educators at http://www.splcenter.org/cgi-bin/goframe.pl?refname=/teachingtolerance/tt-1.html

There are hundreds of fine programs that have been developed to address the attitudes of disrespect and ruthlessness that have crept into our society. We need to be made aware of what programs is available.

Finding Balance in These Times of Stress: We live in a stressful world. Many people today have lives that are out of balance. The fast pace of life that young people are subjected to, that all of us fall victim of, lead to more and more stress? Schedules are fully packed. Fast is infeverish activity, the chase for the latest fad, fast food, the latest gossip or world crisis. The fast lane life creates more tension, problems with depression, and loss of meaning and disorder sleep. The cumulative effect of the intense stimulation that young people face now builds up. Children who have been harassed by others feel a unique form of stress and pain.

And what do young people who feel bad about themselves do to relax? Being cut off from their peers and school activities, they do not usually have a repertoire of healthy ways to reduce tension. They turn to action movies featuring violence or to video games of shooting and blowing things up. Some young people, bored, with seeing and doing it all before, seek more exciting activities. A few feel proud about their ability to shock people. Revealing clothes, dirtier language, brazen sexuality and values that promote ruthlessness are the order of the day.

The vulnerable years of Junior and Senior High School are times of hormonal shifts, mood swings and high emotionality. Prolonged tension and stress disrupts the body's natural chemistry creating stress related illness, acting out behavior and the turning to harmful addictions. Help young people distinguish between healthy and harmful stress reduction techniques. Cutting of the body, sneaking cigarettes, turning to alcohol and drugs are examples of ways that young people are trying to self meditate their tension. Children who are not interested in sports and physical activities that reduce stress can be shown other ways to release their tension.

Teaching children the relaxation techniques, can have surprising health benefits. New research shows that deep relaxation practiced regularly can strengthen the immune system and promote good health and a calm mind. Educate children in stress reduction techniques such as deep breathing, mental imagery, Progressive Relaxation and the Emotional Freedom Technique. Instruct children on how to recognize when their friend is experiencing pressure so they can take a "stress release break" together. Young people are grateful when they are shown how to calm their roller coaster emotions and release the stressors they hold in their body.

What's Taking Responsibility Got to Do With It?: Everything. The solution of making our schools a police state is not the answer. We do need school security, but the bigger answer lies in everyone taking responsibility for this issue. We are all responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. The more responsibility people take for what they think, say and do, the happier their lives become. We get the type of society we deserve. We get the schools we deserve.

By teaching children skills to deal with their aggressive impulses in the elementary years, we will have a society that has less tolerance for bullying and violent behavior. By teaching them systems theory and higher levels of thinking, we can help the students see the necessary part of their creating their own culture. We can develop ways of understanding the innate quality of human aggression and find safe outlets for it. We can insist on school programs that teach tolerance. As Gandhi said, "Our ability to reach unity in diversity will be the beauty and the test of our civilization."

My social conscience started the moment my aunt told me that I had hurt my cousin by continually running away and excluding her, a message my mother had not given me. My conscience took a big jump in the eighth grade. The boys, as a joke, nominated the poorest girl in class to run for the Spring Fling Queen. We girls laughingly went along with it. The teachers in my small town who disliked the slow learners and children from poor families who were unclean, did nothing. However, a first year, red-headed teacher who had not been raised with the prejudices of our small Midwestern town, took us all to task and lectured us on how cruel we were. Miss Odgen, herself an outcast among the other teachers, cared enough to speak up and tell us that what we were doing was wrong. She correctly helped awaken in me a sense of guilt from my conscience and a sense of duty in helping those considered less fortunate. Social responsibility started when we girls took that poor girl under our wing and helped her buy her a dress and a permanent so that she would look nice at the dance.

What's Caring Got to Do With It? What's Love Got to Do With It?

Everything!
CRUELTY DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE

Here is what one school did to address the issue of violence. Amidst pressures in the media on a daily basis, students often lose track of the important issues in the world. Instead, attention is given primarily to 'fitting in' and being a part of the crowd. When students feel the only way they will be accepted is through violence towards others, it becomes necessary to take charge and fix this problem, before it's too late.

It is important to have tolerance and acceptance in our schools, homes and communities. Without it, these places are not the safe havens which they should be. In light of recent tragic events in Colorado and Alberta, Oakville Trafalgar High School has decided to initiate the "I WILL" Campaign. The s school community has started this campaign to actively support
nonviolence in our schools and bring awareness to individuals about how they are treating one another.

By participating in this campaign, the O.T. community has recognized the destructive effects of ridicule and the right to safety in not only our school environment but our community as well.

By signing your pledge card today, together we can take charge and get a head start on the prevention of violence and hostility. Make your school the safest place it can be, and sign your card.

"I WILL" Pledge

As a part of my community and Oakville Trafalgar High School

I will pledge to be a part of the solution.
I will eliminate taunting from my own behavior.
I will encourage others to do the same.
I will do my part to make my community a safe place by being more sensitive to others.
I will set the example of a caring individual.
I will not let my words or actions hurt others.
... and if others won't become part of the solution, I WILL.

____________________________________________

Signing here reflects your commitment to this pledge. Keep your card in a safe place as a reminder of your pledge to support nonviolence at O.T.


LIFE'S INJUSTICES SET THE STAGE FOR PERCEPTION OF THREAT AND AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., ©2001

Aggression is a human trait; it has been necessary for our survival as a species. Aggression is innate, but it is also learned. We live in a country where violence is becoming a way of life. Children learn aggression through watching someone else engage in it. They choose acts of injustice after they perceive that they live in an unjust world and that intimidation works. Here are some forces that help create a child who identifies with aggression.

l. Family Violence:

The Drama Triangle, described by Claude Steiner and Stephan Karpman, is a well-accepted concept in family systems theory that stresses looking at the roles and needs of every person in the system. The three sides of the triangle represent the dysfunctional family with the aggressor on one side, the victim on another and the rescuer on the third. The rescuer can be divided into two different aspects:
(a) The negative part encourages the aggressor either by not acting or by enabling them.
(b) The positive part that tries to get help for the members of the family.

Children in a dysfunctional family, school or neighborhood setting learns to internalize the behavior of all three sides of the triangle. Indeed, all of us have these three components in us to some degree: the angry aggressor or perpetrator, the one who has been hurt by others and the part of us that looks the other way when we witness negative behavior because we do not know how to stop them. With some training and understanding we can move to the healthy part of us that tries to gain resources to help the system.

The way out of emotional pain from family dysfunction is through education. We can learn to observe when we shift into the three roles and learning different ways to act. Carl Jung said that what we do not make conscious in our life comes around to us as fate. Children learn aggression by observing that it works in a short term, convoluted way.

Gerald Patterson's Coercion Model of Aggression says that parents who lack parenting skills unwittingly train their children to be noncompliant and act in antisocial ways. His research shows that poor parental discipline skills and coercive management practices cause escalation of child-parent conflict and increase children's aggression toward others. The child and parents elicit negative behavior from each other. There is lack of choice in the coercive familythere is one message "Do what the most powerful member of the family dictates." Children feel helpless and sense the lack of justice. Children are traumatized living in a war zone under conditions of threat in these families. They learn coping styles of coercion, submission and enabling in an attempt to keep themselves safe.

Violence and abuse within a family take place when the dominant person abuses his or her power. Typically this abuse of power is by a male who has to prove himself by acting in macho ways and rationalizing this behavior as his "right." The habitual use of alcohol aggravates this pattern. Denial of how the dominant person hurts other family members by his behavior is rampant in dysfunctional families.

Children observe the parental interactions and identify with both the dominant and the submissive parent in the system. They internalize these actions of both parents and carry them out in other settings. By identifying with the victim in the family, they learn fear, weakness and helplessness. That is why aggressive children are often a pushover for someone tougher than themselves. They go to any length to hide these feelings of weakness from others and from themselves.
When parents are focused on addictions and out-of-control needs, their child's early dependency needs are not met. The child whose needs were not met by his parents feels the lack inside. He feels "owed" on an unconscious level. He focuses on issues of "It's not fair." because unconsciously he felt what happened to him was not fair. And, in a sense, he was "owed" because he missed out on basic nurturing and love. In later years the child goes through life trying to get others to make up for what his parents did not provide. He has limited skills and tools to interact with people. Since he cannot gain acceptance and friendships from others, he learns to substitute irrational anger, cruelty to others, addictive substances, workaholic behavior or material objects to fill his neediness.

The child raised in an angry family reacts to perceived small injustices in daily life. He may do this outwardly or keep it in silence creating depression. He may become demanding to make up for the injustice he perceives. In effect, the child who has been traumatized is saying to other people, "You owe me. Pay up!" He can't get what he wants from his parents so he tries to get it from other people. Symbolically, continual anger can be a covert statement to his parents, "It is not fair. Give me my basic needs. Pay attention to me or I will hurt someone."

People who are revengeful generally have a belief of entitlement of "I have a right to be angry and get back at the person. I have a right to hold on to my anger even though it hurts me." As the old proverb says, angry children seem to cut of their nose to spite their face. Grudges seem to run in families with some individuals feeling pride about staying angry and being hard headed.

A five-year-old boy who had been removed from his parents due to physical and sexual abuse came into our hospital program for children with severe behavior and emotional problems. He had severe acting out, aggressive behaviors toward the neighborhood children and animals. He emulated the taunting, harassment and intimidation behavior of his father to get what he wanted. In situations of threat, he cowered in fear, becoming the submissive victim like his mother. As he grew in his understanding of himself and his anger, we observed a healthier part of him that emerged. He encouraged the new children in the program to talk about their angry feelings and became like a junior staff member in group therapy. He had internalized the role of a peer counselor by observing the teachers in our school. He no longer needed to be a helpless victim or aggressive and intimidating of others. On graduation from our program, he required a school setting and a foster home that would strengthen the gains that he made to think of himself as a caring, responsible boy.

2. Peer Violence:

A study of 400 children in Great Britain showed that those who had been bullied were affected because they did not know how to respond to harassment. The author concluded that children do not know how to deal with extreme peer exclusion. Teachers are overworked and do not see the subtle bullying that goes on daily.

The angry child perceives threat in situations that are unclear and unjust. He can retaliate with impulsive anger thus distancing his classmates. He distorts what he sees and perceives injustice in small things that others would overlook. Peers' hostile comments only convince him that his beliefs of threat are valid. He ends up being rejected and isolated from his peers. Cut off from friends who can provide positive models of behavior, he feels lonely and discouraged. He feels the world is against him. Again his choices become limited. His cycle of perceptual distortions and aggressive behavior continues.

Children who adopt a macho style to foster a false self-identity are usually highly judgmental seeing things as black and white. They judge others according to standards of toughness and macho behavior. They cannot tolerate differences in other people according to narrow views of life. They act tough to avoid the feelings of shame inside for being weak. They avoid being seen as helpless and keep an illusion that they are in control by acting tough. They fear being called a wimp and try to measure up in the manly category so the tough people they seek to emulate will not reject them. Their identity becomes caught up in the old kid's game of King of the Mountain. They keep the illusion of being in charge by the self-message of "Be big and tough and ready to take anyone on to show how tough you are." They often have a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude and dare others to push them into aggression. They learn that intimidation of others can be reinforcing because it gives them a feeling of power. Rigidity of thinking, judgmental beliefs and the need to feel superior are the basis for prejudice and bigotry.

Cruelty to others and the need to act hard and tough are defense mechanisms against feeling vulnerable. Children who harm others fear being hurt and exposed for their own weakness. They go to any lengths to avoid letting others see how frightened they are and feel unsafe if they let their guard down so that others can see their vulnerability. The child who acts tough begins to feel superior as a defense against feeling the bad feelings. He rationalizes hurting others in his need to feel superior. At times the angry child may elicit a violent response from a punishing adult as a way of keeping the punishment under his control. His ability to evoke a negative reaction from an authority figure keeps him believing that he is in control even though there may be serious consequences to his actions.

Pride in being tougher than others can keep the child caught in a cycle of shame, egotism and misbehavior. Acting out becomes an unconscious way to escape the terrible feelings of shame inside. Other shame-based defenses of angry children include denial, silence, intellectualization and distancing from the problem by placing the blame on someone else.

Impulse Control Problems: Children with attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity often have difficulty inhibiting their teasing behavior that later develops into aggressive behavior. Some children do not learn skills of social interaction naturally due to a neurological impairment. The rigidity of thinking associated with neurological impairment causes the child to become locked into negative coping patterns of dealing with stressful situations that bring him more stress. Some of these children have problems of anger. Unable to control their actions, they become the target for negative attention from others and their self-esteem plummets. They often have deficits in thinking such as interpreting the social cues of a situation and cause-effect reasoning. Other children learn to avoid those with impulse control problems and they often end up being rejected. As the children of crack addicted parents who are born with neurological impairment, the schools will have more children with impulse control and learning problems to deal with.

Type T Individuals: Another kind of child who is attracted to aggression is the Type T child. Type T is a personality trait that results in thrill seeking. Type T's are not a diagnostic category, but describe an inner need of the under aroused individual who then seeks excitement to feel the rush.

Individuals who have a central nervous system that enjoys being revved up and feeds on dangerous activities are Type T's as described by psychologist Frank Farrell. Type T children have under-aroused heart rates, sweat glands, and skin temperatures. Their physiological systems are slower to respond to external stimulation and they require high excitement and risk to feel stimulated. They look for novelty, uncertainty, high risk, variety, complexity, high intensity and conflict. The research shows that they get a bigger rush from nicotine than other children.

Type T children seek activities that increase their adrenalin. They enjoy going fast on bicycles over ramps, jumping off of high places and engaging in dangerous sports. They seem to have little fear of physical harm and are unaware of the danger in which they place themselves. They spend more time on the street and tend to get in trouble. Some can even get a rush out of their acts of hurting others.

Properly channeled, Type T individuals have a lot to contribute to society because they are risk takers who enjoy challenges. Indiana Jones is a prime example of a good guy, Type T action-seeking individual. Schools are starting to address the Type T needs by offering Adventure Sports classes that teach rock climbing, skiing, snow boarding and rappelling.
When Type T individuals carry a large amount of anger, they engage in activities that are harmful to others but are exciting and reinforcing to themselves. Children who bring guns to school may fall into this category. Children with Conduct Disorders may fall into this category. Bonnie and Clyde, popularized by the motion picture, are examples of antisocial Type T individuals who lacked the skill of respecting others and their property then gained a national reputation as counter culture heroes.

Identify and Help Those Children Who Exhibit Warning Signs of Being in Need: Recognize the children whose behavior suggests that they are troubled so they can be supported before the trauma builds up. The National Crime Prevention Council report on Stopping School Violence gives symptoms of children in need of intervention. This web site can be reached at www.ncpc.org/2schvio.htm . The more of these symptoms the child displays, the greater the chance that the child needs help. These signs say the child is crying for help. They show a preoccupation with injustice, and an obsession with violence, to get make the grievance and pain go away. They advise parents to know these signs that indicate kids are troubled:

B7 Lack of interest in school.
B7 Absence of age-appropriate anger control skills.
B7 Seeing themselves as the victims.
B7 Persistent disregard for or refusal to follow the rules.
B7 Cruelty to pets or other animals.
B7 History of bullying.
B7 Artwork or writing that bleak or violent or that depicts isolation or anger.
B7 Talking constantly about weapons or violence.
B7 Obsessions with things like violent games, movies and TV shows.
B7 Depression or mood swings.
B7 Talking about or bringing a weapon (any weapon) to school.
B7 Misplaced or unwarranted jealously.
B7 Involvement with or interest in gangs.
B7 Self-isolation from family and friends.

Conduct Disorders: This diagnostic category includes the type of student persistently engages in behavior that violates the rights of others. They lack a conscience, a sense of guilt or remorse. They are aggressive and have little concern for the feelings and wishes of their peers. They may be cruel to others or to animals and have no respect for the property of others. They project an image of being touch, although their self-esteem is low. They may have poor frustration tolerance, temper outbursts, irritability and an inability to see how their behavior is the cause of their problems. They engage in fighting, stealing, destruction of property, shoplifting, sexual force, and use weapons to get what they want.

Oppositional Defiant Disorders: Also, a diagnostic category, this is a pattern of angry, argumentative, spiteful behavior without the pattern of hurting others. These children are negativistic and defy adult authority. They are irritable, touchy, lose their temper easily and swear. They can be vindictive toward those people they perceive as out to get them. They cannot take responsibility for their misbehavior and blame others for their wrongdoings. They justify their negative actions as a reaction to circumstances that were not fair to them. Children with this diagnosis do have a conscience and can be taught social skills to release the hurt feelings under their defiance and control their anger.

Gang Behavior: Gangs are groups of people who collectively engage in bully behavior. Children with Conduct Disorders, Oppositional Defiance Disorders and those who seek thrills may gravitate toward gangs. Gang members are often angry individuals who seek novel, dangerous activities through law breaking and intimidation of others. Children who start early in life to hurt others and then are rejected by their peers are most likely to seek out gangs.

They have poor self-esteem seek to find an identity in being a gang member. The older gang leaders teach younger members of gangs' new ways of intimidation and extortion. The aggressive behavior is highly reinforced by peers' submissiveness. The sense of exaggerated pride, injustice, and feeling entitled to use and hurt others becomes set. Violent behavior is rationalized as a "right."

Here are the words of Pablo, a former gang member as reported in the El Paso Times, discussing ways to reduce drug use and gang violence:

"There is too much orgullo (pride) among gang members. That orgullo gets in the way of young people trying to go straight. Orgullo makes you want to be tougher than the next guy. Orgullo can be a very positive thing, but it can also help destroy young people. Negative orgullo creates problems.... The best way to improve the situation is for those who care to get completely involved in a gang member's life. That means hanging out with them and getting into the heart of them. A gang member may be abused by his dad or he may have a single-parent mother. He may be hurting, but he'll never tell what's hurting him. He'll never say what truly in his heart. Instead, he'll pretend that everything's cool and all he wants is to do is party with his homies."

3. Society Values:

We live in a culture of aggression. There is a preoccupation with the dominator model where children learn that intimidation and aggression toward others is not only acceptable but also desirable. Negative attitudes, values and behaviors are celebrated. Our media often glorifies violence and children are presented with countless acts of simulated and actual aggression each day. Rap music that features hate and violence affects children who take on these values. Enimen, who reportedly was bullied as a child and spent five days in a coma after a beating, now gives hate messages. Video games that are based on the same technology that trains our military to kill pass the value of lack of respect for human life on to the young people.

Without social positive skills, children grow up learning to use manipulation, addictive behavior and violence as a way to cope with stress. They become locked into negative coping patterns of dealing with situations that threaten them and bring them more stress. Children who experience a great deal of stress due to family chaos or neurological impairment often feel like their lives are out of control.

The most common patterns of coping with threat and stress in unhealthy environments are anger, blaming the other person, submissiveness, distractible, hyperactive behavior or withdrawing and ignoring the problem. These coping patterns are passed down from parent to child resulting in generations of dysfunctional behavior. Coping styles that were learned as children to keep the family isolated and safe do not work in adult life. To continue to live these rules as an adult is to continue to live in considerable pain.

Resources: Organizations, Centers, Books and Lists of Other School Safety Web Sites

For a list of books on school violence solutions, see: <http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1929749007/qid%3D985752086/104-7640611-9528762>

Colorado Parent Information and Resource Center <http://www.cpirc.org/tips/schoolviolence.htm>

Educators for Social Responsibility <http://www.esrnational.org/>

Conflict Resolution Education Network <http://www.crenet.org/>

National School Safety Center Resources for Reporters <http://nssc1.org/index.htm>


WHO IS IN AND WHO IS OUT HOW CHILDREN VIEW THEIR PEERS

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

Children have very definite ideas about whom they like as shown by the research on children's peer friendships. They are able to size up other children quickly and make definite decisions on which they want to play with. The research shows that peer networks that become identifiable in junior high school become more exclusive as students grow older. Girls were more connected to identified groups than boys. Children of minority groups are less invested in school activities and peer networks than the majority groups. Here are some of the typical names given to groups of students: Preppies (the GAP group), Jocks, Stoners, Obnoxious, Nerds, D. and D. (Dungeons and Dragons), Hippies, Cowboys, Watcho's (illegal aliens) and the Skaters. Ask any junior or senior high school student and they will describe a similar hierarchical organization and groups with similar names in their school.

A child's popularity with his peers is related to how he gets along with others and the sophistication of his social skills. Some children naturally are gifted in their ability to make friends. Other children have deficits in the very basic skills of friendship making. Some do not have a clue on how attract others to them and act in ways that maintain friendships. Considerable research has been conducted on how children view each other. Children fall into these categories:

Popular Children

l. Cooperative Children display helpfulness, rule conformity, friendliness, prosocial behavior, and a sense of humor. They start the play activities, remind others of the rules and set norms for behavior in difficult situations. They are considerate of others and do not need to retaliate when threatened. They are less often the target of other children's teasing and aggression as they have assertive skills. Cooperative behavior is more acceptable among girls than boys.

2. Controversial Children display a mixture of positive and negative traits. They can be leaders who are active in peer interaction. They are good at sports, play cooperatively most of the time and have a sense of humor. They have learned many positive skills but have deficits in controlling their anger. They are easily angered, aggressive and disruptive and are reprimanded often by adults. Their classmates generally admire them and their aggressiveness is often overlooked. Standing up for oneself when dealing with provoked aggression is related to popularity.

Rejected Children

1. Aggressive Children who are left out of playgroups seek attention in negative ways. They are often argumentative, impulsive and disruptive. Aggressive children engage in hitting, starting fights, rough and tumble activities and name-calling. They lack the skills to get along with others and inhibit impulsive actions. To the other children, they appear to be angry without cause. The child who is rejected by his peers may come to view the world as hostile. Presumption of hostility leads to an inability to generate positive solutions to problems and ultimately more aggressive behavior. As they grow up, aggressive children gravitate toward peer groups that foster prejudice and persecution of people who are perceived to be different. Revenge thoughts, and acting out with bullying and violence, give them a misguided sense of being in control.

2. Withdrawn Children are seen by their peers as neglected, passive and unhappy. They speak too softly, give in to others and their feelings are hurt easily. They lack the skills of assertiveness. They stand back and watch and pull back from playgroups and may be rebuffed if they attempt to join group activities. Most are not hostile to others but their perceptions that the world is hostile cause them to lose interest in school sponsored group activities. Solitary behavior such as being off task, dawdling or daydreaming is predictive of poor social acceptance. As anxious and insecure loners, they may turn to revenge preoccupations gain a sense of self-esteem that their peer group denies them.

Older low-status Controversial and Rejected children are more subtle and indirect in their aggressive interactions. Their peers considered them mean, hypersensitive to being teasing, violated rules, and unattractive in clothes and hygiene. They often become a target of peer ridicule and exclusion and have to passively endure the humiliation. Handling oneself inadequately in response to teasing and verbal bantering is related to low status in children.

Peers often become biased in their views of a child and make assumptions based on that bias. Once gained, reputations among one's peer group become hard to live down. Expectations of peers can cause a child to be locked in roles of acceptance or rejection. Having a negative peer reputation interferes with the child's ability to develop and maintain friendships.

Children who are disliked by others do not form bonds with others. Not having satisfying friendships, they often turn to antisocial behavior seeking activities that are stimulating to them. Children without friends often resort to alcohol and drug use and engage in gang behavior. Children who do not have a wide range of positive social skills to draw from to deal with stress become disconnected from positive values, and having high standards for one's behavior. They feel alienated from the higher concepts of respect for others, democracy and turn off to school activities.


CHILDREN WHO ARE TRAUMATIZED BY BULLYING

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

Trauma in childhood results when the child is exposed to situations he cannot control or understand such aggression. The child loses his personal sense of control in his world, his sense of trust and begins to see the environment as a threatening place.

Repetitive behavior or reenactment of the abuse appears to be one way a child defends against his anxiety and shame at being disrespected ("dissed"). Post-traumatic behavior often centers on the theme of the abuse. Freud, who believed that the individuals compulsively repeating acts that were indicative of the intensity of the original trauma, called reenactment of the trauma the Repetition Compulsion. The child who has been bullied or sexualized may repeat this pattern with others.

The child may have identified with the aggressor of the trauma and acts out this role or he may take the position of the victim. He becomes the bully with taunting and teasing those younger and weaker than himself. He may switch back and forth playing both roles of the victim and the aggressor. When the repetitive behavior occurs again and again, they can become destructive personality traits that rule the person's life.

Being harassed and threatened by others may cause a child to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of PTSD include intrusive recollections of the event, flashbacks, nightmares, efforts to avoid activities associated with the trauma and psychological distress. Severe stress causes physiological changes in the adrenal system with high arousal, heart palpitations, a sense of impending doom and being overly sensitized to threat related stimuli. He may develop hypervigilance to be able to fight, fright or freeze when threatened. The child's basic sense of safety is altered and he may have trouble concentrating, falling or staying asleep or staying asleep. He may become detached and numb and his ability to love others may be compromised.

Children who have been traumatized have negative changes in their outlook on people and life in general. They display a lack of trust in others and despair. Perception of ambiguous events is often distorted with the child seeing hostility in situations where there is none. Abused children sometimes are unable to plan for the future, as there is the expectation that they will be hurt again. The lack of control during the traumatizing event sends them into learned helplessness and they often believe they do not have control over their life. Children who are disciplined by coercion or controlled through pain and fear learn, via modeling, to repeat these aversive behaviors with others in misguided efforts to feel in control.

Negative affect and anger-related thoughts are common. The child's negative perceptual distortions of daily situations intensify the anger that he feels. To keep others from coming close, he keeps himself caught in states of annoyance, frustration and irritation. Anger arises often as he hopes to gain back something that he lost. Intense depression can mask anger.

The connection between being bullied, anger and depression is the child's mourning the loss of who they used to be. Children who are tormented feel an intense confusion and internal rage for the violation. Physical discomfort such as extremes in temperature, fatigue, or irritation due to noise activates more anger-related feelings and behavior in the child. The child's unconscious denial of anger may lead to strong emotions of anxiety, depression, guilt or helplessness that pulls him away from the anger to substitute a safer emotion. Rigid family rules about not getting angry affect the cognitive process of working out the trauma.

The internal rage and shame that was unexpressed at the time of initial trauma needs to be released. Children need to talk out, draw out and play out the traumas they have experienced. They need to express the confusion, anger, and sadness that hide inside to dispel their overwhelming anxiety and helplessness. They need strategies and skills to deal with conflict and reassurance that they will be safe and taken care of. They need nurturance and stability in their interactions with adults as they relearn that the world is safe and the shattered trust is regained. A combination of play therapy, release of bad feelings through imagery and learning to shield against the negative impact of words and social skills training will give the child a rounded therapeutic experience.

ANGER AND SOCIAL SKILL DEFICITS

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A91998

Anger is a chain of simultaneous body and mind reactions. It happens quickly as one of the responses to threat or perceived threat. It takes one thirtieth of a second from threat to reaction for the chain of mind and body reactions to take place!

The response of anger can serve many different functions. Some people with low self-esteem automatically substitute anger during threatening experiences due to their fears of being seen as vulnerable. They have learned that acting tough and macho makes them feel important. Often negative emotions serve to manipulate, control or intimidate others. Sometimes a child will substitute an inappropriate emotion such as anger for another response out of fear. Getting angry when frightened, or crying when frustrated, are examples of misguided emotion.

A large group of our young people suffers from emotional and behavioral problems. Studies indicate that between l7 percent to 22 percent of youth under age l8 suffer from emotional and behavioral problems. This means that between 11 million to l4 million children are at risk for emotional impairment. A majority of these children have difficulty in handling anger and act out in violence and intolerance.

Expression of hostility creates more hostility for the child. The child who cannot control his aggression can end up with peer rejection. Habitual, hostile expression of anger perpetuates an environment that is unhealthy for all involved. Venting anger only turns up the heat and keeps it flaming through justification of the right to be angry. The angry person may feel better for a short time after raging but underneath he often feels worse for losing his cool. Or he may hold on to his anger rationalizing it to himself and others in an attempt to maintain his right to behave in violent ways.

Children who are habitually angry typically suffer from skill deficits. They have missed learning some of the basic skills in getting along with others. They misinterpret social situations that are ambiguous and respond with aggressive behavior. They have a set of beliefs that emphasize retaliation. They may erroneously believe that self-righteous expression of anger is healthy. Angry children have not learned to put themselves in others' shoes and see things from other people's perspective. They have not learned the skill of consequential thinking. They do not know how to break into their rigid thinking and cannot stop making judgments about others. They have strong "shoulds" for others and get upset when others do not follow their wishes. They blame others for their problems and do not take responsibility for their own actions. They cannot allow themselves to see that they are at fault for some of their problems.

Individuals who get upset daily over many small things have an one-response perspective on life. Their belief is that "I want what I want when I want it and can do whatever it takes to get it! I have the right to get angry over every little thing. It is right for me to be angry and express it any way that I want. I have a right to have it my way." They have destructive entitlement beliefs that keep them convinced that others must conform to their wishes. They come to believe that the world "owes them" because they are "special." Since the world rarely goes the way they want, they are continually disappointed and become angrier. Their negative self-talk convinces them that it is horrible when things do not happen the way that they want it to be.

Anger can be expressed outward towards others or turned inward. Children who express anger directly often have an attitude of hostility to keep adults away. They may verbally abuse their peers.

Some angry children are internalizersthey take negative things inside and are secretly angry. They are not comfortable in letting others know how they feel. They rarely talk about or express their anger directly to others. Their belief is "I must be the nice guy and can't let you know how angry I really am." They may develop physical symptoms due to the stuffing of the anger or become depressed.

In either caseanger "outers" or anger "inners" the person with unresolved anger is caught in behavioral pattern that alienates him from others.

Parental Styles and Children's Anger

Parenting styles that often correspond with children's excessive anger are "giving too much" or "giving too little." The "giving too much" parent tries to meet the child's every need. This results in the child believing that the world revolves around them. Some children who are badly spoiled by their parents grow up believing that they should get everything they want and they have the right to be angry if they do not get it. This parenting style results in a high demand child who has a sense of entitlement from others. He does not learn to deal with inner frustration and delay gratification. At a deep level, what the spoiled child really wants are parents who consistently set limits, say no in a loving manner and give him attention when he acts appropriately. Not being given limits and structure, he is angry.

The "giving too little" parent is self-involved and does not nurture the child. The parent may be cold and rejecting, due to being involved with addictions or be an angry person himself. The parent may be busy and self involved and literally is never at home for the child. The unwanted child grows up feeling neglected, rejected and abandoned. Every day he must contend with feelings of desperation, being misunderstood, frustration, fear, loss, grief and betrayal. The child cannot express his anger because fears that his parent might reject him further

The child who has been heavily criticized and abused by a parent often grows up believing "damned if I do and damned if I don't." This type of child feels that he is not worthy of getting his needs met and feels shame for not measuring up to what his parent expects of him even though it may be irrational. The child who suffers from verbal and physical abuse is angry about this injustice. His hostility toward others is displaced anger. Acting out can be an unconscious attempt to make his parents give him what he wants. If aggression and violence are modeled in the home, the child learns that coercion is associated with power and getting one's own way.


SHAME IS THE SHAPER OF SYMPTOMS THE DISOWNED PART OF THE SELF

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

Shame is a fear-based internal state that is accompanied by beliefs of being unworthy and basically unlovable. Shame is a primary emotion that conjures up brief, intense painful feelings and a fundamental sense of inadequacy. Shame experiences bring forth beliefs of "I am a failure" and " I am bad" which are a threat to the integrity of the self. This perceived deficit of being bad is so humiliating and disgraceful that there is a need to protect and hide the flawed self from others. Fears of being vulnerable, found out, exposed and further humiliated are paramount. Feelings of shame shut people down so that they can distance from the internal painful state of hopelessness.

Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions. On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable." develops and a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these experiences as happening before the child develops language and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal. Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior.

Shame and Guilt

Children often feel guilty as well as ashamed. Guilt is an emotion that rises after a transgression of one's own or cultural values. Guilt is about actions; shame is about the self. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed in regret and remorse. Engaging in behavior that causes one to feel guilty behavior can lead to deep shame. Guilt is a side effect of perfectionism and setting goals either too high which are then impossible to meet.

The typical shame response brings about a heightened degree of arousal and self-consciousness. The person in emotional pain averts his eyes and his head goes down. New information is blocked. There is intense discomfort and muscular tension. The body collapses inward to protect the self and there is a shrinking of body energy. The skin may become flushed with embarrassment. There are feelings of inadequacy and the fear of self-exposure. The person wants to shrink, hide or even die to get away from the painful feelings of mortification. These feelings are so excruciating that the child wants to avoid them at all costs.

Causes of Shame

Adult-induced causes of shame involve betrayal by others and a broken trust through disapproval or humiliation. Parental withdrawal and rejection demonstrated by looks of contempt can cause instantaneous shame reactions in children. A child who believes that his parents favor a sibling often believe that there is something basically wrong with him or he would be the chosen child. Shame also occurs when the parent's have high standards of behavior and react with anger or embarrassment when the child does not live up to expectations.

Punishment for failure and humiliation over the child's expression of vulnerability, distress, crying or pain typically create shame. Criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule further reinforce the child's beliefs of unworthiness. Harsh parental discipline of a coercive nature creates fears of abandonment in the child. The trauma of physical abuse imprints feelings of being devalued in the child. Empathetic shame happens when the child internalizes humiliation and shame reactions of other people. Sexual abuse typically causes the child to feel dirty and bad and he often absorbs the shame of the adult who committed the offense.

Peer-induced causes of shame are especially painful for the child who is so dependent upon other children for validation of his self-esteem and identity. When a child is teased, taunted, harassed and verbally abused, he often internalizes the labels or shrugs them off. Most children do not have the maturity or understanding to deflect the negative energy of hateful labels heaped on them by their classmates. The child feels disrespected or "dissed" and takes on a lower opinion of himself that holds the deep shame. Children respond to the tormenting by fighting back and being labeled a troublemaker or becoming helpless and depressed. They can carry the deep shame experiences and a lowered sense of self into adulthood.

We are Driven by Our Unresolved Shame Experiences

"Shame is the shaper of symptoms," said Donald Nathanson. The unacknowledged thoughts and feelings become repressed and surface later through substitute emotions and dysfunctional behavior. Other emotions are substituted to hide the shame and maintain self-esteem. Anger, depression, exaggerated pride, anxiety and helplessness are substituted to keep from feeling the total blackness of being bad. The buried shame is expressed through defense mechanisms that shield negative unconscious material from surfacing.

Anger responses are modeled and learned in some families. The anger response is more comfortable than feeling the shame for some individuals. Families where coercive and humiliating methods of discipline are used develop children who are shame prone. Behavior becomes driven by defenses that function to keep from feeling bad. Reality becomes distorted to further protect the self from poor self-esteem. The transfer of blame to someone else is an indicator of internal shame.

Children who live with constant hostility and criticism learn to defend against the bad feelings inside and externalize blame on others. External assignment of blame is a defense against shame. People who are super-critical have a heavy shame core inside. The focus is on finding fault outside yourself, but the mistake is never corrected. If the responsibility for blame can be fixed on someone else, the person may feel pride in getting off scot-free. The rigid thinking is "I'll be pure if I can make him wrong. It is not my problem. It is beyond my control. I just can't allow myself to feel bad inside, so I'll blame him."

The child who has been raised with criticism and parental anger may develop the shame/rage spiral. The shame/rage spiral consists of getting angry and raging when upset, then being ashamed and going into rage to avoid the shameful feelings, etc. The shame/rage spiral keeps others away and helps the person avoid intimacy where more pain and shame might be experienced.

Scheff's theory is that shame causes a breakdown of the integrated self. The bypassed, unacknowledged pain is not available to be looked at due to the mechanism of denial. Dissociation and repression of the bad feelings allow distance from the shame with a cover up of "I am not this needy. This is not I. I cannot feel this vulnerable." Tension is discharged partially through substitute emotions but the core of shame grows even bigger as the individual engages in unhealthy behavior.

Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others; he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice, bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame. Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their life.
Teaching Social SkillsBreaking Into the Cycle of Shame and Aggression

Teachers and therapists can help the aggressive child express the vulnerable part that has been hurt by others to break through the outer mask of toughness and defiance. The child who bullies really wants to be listened to and understood, but he does not know how to ask for it. He only knows that his intimidation affects others and he gets what he wants. The submissiveness of others gives him power that substitute for the love he craves. His rage helps him momentarily ventilate the unresolved hurt and shame inside.

Shame or the internal global belief of "I am bad." is thought to be the mechanism that keeps the child caught in acting out behavior. Shame blocks positive information from coming in. The child feels bad about his explosive outbursts that give him the attention that he cannot get from achievement and friendships. The aggressive child desires affection, but is afraid of being swallowed up and depleted by others. He has the mistaken belief that intimacy represents being controlled by others. He learns to substitute enjoyment of hurting others for friendship. It is paradoxical that his anger keeps intimacy away and denies that one thing that the person desires the mostto be loved. The ability to accept kindness and love from someone is a skill that the child has missed out on. The basic skill deficit of the antisocial child is trust of others.

Shame is the Shaper of Symptoms; But It is Also the Way Home

Shame is a fear-based internal state accompanied by feelings of being unworthy and unlovable with intense painful feelings of mortification. Shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. It keeps us caught in fear of being found out by others. The perceived deficit is so humiliating that the person goes to all lengths to hide the flawed self.

Patterns of dysfunctional behavior in a person's life usually indicate a strong internal shame core. Lack of intimacy and connection to others indicates a lack of trust. Repressed shame and guilt cause a lack of trust of others and a deep breach or separation from others and the real self.

At some point in an individual's life, the old defenses no longer work. Shame comes up big time. The person's life crashes around him. Hitting bottom may prompt him to seek psychological help. One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of ourselves that is incongruent without deepest values and understand of what it means to be human from a soul level. The anxiety around the painful past must be entered into and moved through.

Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling must be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. The original feelings must be re-experienced and reframed to allow the shift of the shame energy.

The motivated person can learn to become a detective on his own emotions and behavior. He can learn detachment and become an observer of his own internal state of shame choosing not to shut down the painful feelings but to stay present and learn from them.

The release of the deep feelings of vulnerability, fear and humiliation is best done in an altered state of consciousness. The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's predicament is a shifter of shame energies.

Understanding how shame works helps release it. The cleaning out of the global belief of "I am bad." takes time and exploration but it can be done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love.

The way back from shame is a therapeutic relationship where trust can be developed. With caring adults, the child can disclose those all encompassing feelings of shame. He or she can be helped to understand that sham can be released, as it is not a productive emotion. With imaging techniques, hypnosis and the new Energy Psychotherapies, feelings of shame can be erased.

We are more than our physical body. We are much, much more than our painful emotions. We are essence longing to return to our true self. The core negative beliefs of "I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." can be worked though. When shame release work is combined in therapy with learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self-esteem zooms upward.

The paradox of the base emotions of guilt and shame keep the person from knowing that he is love and yet the solution in releasing them is to get to the place of knowing "I am love." The deep understanding is that no one can truly be harmed. The integrity of the individual can be brought forward to give a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame.

Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself can negate those global beliefs of unworthiness. Touching into the higher aspects of oneself can elevate the person to knowing that he is worthy of being loved. No easy task, but there it is.




"YOU OWE ME!"CHILDREN OF ENTITLEMENT

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

"I want ___," "Give it to me ___," "Buy me ___" seem to be the constant demand of some children. Some children feel owed or entitled to get their way. While it is normal for a child to ask for what he wants, some children are overly demanding and needy. They have not learned to balance taking from others with giving; they view other people as existing merely to give to them.

For some children, this is a stage that they go through and grow out of. For example, two year olds constantly seek and explore the environment. Demanding that their needs be met is one of the ways that two year olds develop independence. Another phase comes up during adolescence. Teenagers are notoriously known for requiring the best of everything. Rampant materialism appears to be the middle name for some young people during the teen yearsit is a stage that some young people go though.

Another event that may cause a child to engage in more entitlement behavior is divorce. The child may react to family stress and loss by becoming more demanding. He may feel pulled between the two parents and play one against the other to gain presents and special privileges. The parent who feels guilty may unwitting play into the child's materialism by "buying" the child's favor through giving gifts or exciting outings. So selfish behavior can be a stage or set up by events in the child's life. However if it is not checked or outgrown, it can become a lifelong pattern of getting everything for himself.

Some children have a personality trait of selfishness and feeling owed. The demanding child often focuses on issues of "It's not fair." He feels on an unconscious level that what happened to him was not fair. And, in a sense, he is "owed" because he missed out on basic nurturing, love, limits and structure. When early dependency needs were not provided, the child feels a sense of loss and shame that manifests itself in being angry. This child may go through life angrily trying to get others to make up for what his parents did not provide.

The type of child may react continuously to perceived small injustices in daily life. In effect, he is saying to other people, "You owe me. Pay up!" He can't get what he wants from his parents so he tries to get it from other people. Symbolically, continual anger can be a covert statement to his parents, "It is not fair. Give me my basic needs. Pay attention to me or I will blow up." Yet the sad part is that no matter how much is given to him it is as if he has a hole inside that can never be filled.

The child who feels owed often has limited skills and tools to interact with people and sets up demands that cause others to distance themselves from him. His defenses prevent him from gaining acceptance and friendships from others in acceptable ways. He learns to substitute anger, cruelty to others, addictive substances, workaholic behavior or material objects to fill his neediness. Behavior that focuses primarily negative ways of getting the needs of the self-met without regard to others is called narcissistic.

Causes of Narcissistic Behavior

The roots of this problem may be due to a combination of stresses of nature and nurture. There may be neurological involvement due to genetics or an injury to the brain. And some aspects of our culture encourages young people to get all that they can and do what they need to do to feel good at the expense of others. As the disparity between the "haves and have-nots" increases, some young people turn their entitlement to anger and violence.

How the child is raised makes a difference in how he views himself and others. The child with narcissistic behavior may not have had his basic needs met when he was young. The mother may not have had the capacity to support the ego-emerging aspects of the child. She may not have been available either emotionally or physically during this important developmental period of his life. Around the age of two, children learn to separate from their mother and develop an independent sense of self. Deprivation of the child's needs during the period of his life can result in ego fixation and developmental arrest.

Selfish behavior can be learned. The child may have witnessed one of his parents displaying a pattern of domination and selfishness while the other parent gave in much of the time. The child learns to expect others to meet his needs as modeled by the dominant parent whom he perceives as powerful.

Children who have experienced early physical and sexual trauma including neglect and rejection may develop narcissistic defenses to deal with their early pain. Spoiled and overindulged children sometimes are at risk for the narcissistic behavior pattern of wanting to control others. Children who are required to live up to high parental expectation of being charming, talented, intelligent, beautiful so that the parent's self esteem can be enhanced are also at risk. This is particularly true when the parent is disappointed and rejecting when the child does not live up to their expectations.

Defenses Against Shame

Narcissistic behavior is a defense against internal negative feelings. The original self has become fractured. The results of the fractured self is a way of interacting to keep himself from feeling. The real self of the child was shut down in early life due to trauma or parent's over involvement with their own needs. The child forms a false sense of self to help avoid depression, abandonment and the all-encompassing shame. His defenses of neediness and selfishness keep the child from feeling vulnerable and unworthy. The entitlement defense helps keep the child from his internal global belief of "I am bad" that may have developed when he felt parental rejection and feared abandonment early in life. His secret belief is that "I must be really bad or my parents would have loved me." He avoids remembering early painful experiences of hurt and shame.

John Masterson described the narcissistic wound as being so great that the individual cannot even consider the balm to provide the healing. This form of denial and rigid thinking is one of the hardest defenses to break into. The child continually seeks self-gratification to pursue relief from shame. These unquenchable demands are the result of arrested growth. The depth of these defenses is the depth of the trauma. When the child is stressed or threatened, he engages in more of self-serving behavior.

Therapeutic Goals to Reduce the Distorted Thinking

The therapist must be emotionally neutral when correcting the child. If you become upset or distance yourself from the child, you may be caught in anger counter transference issues of your own. In confrontation, the child's narcissistic injury is exposed and he escapes into his own defensiveness to reduce his feelings of shame. He will try to engage you in power struggles; this is merely his running his symptom of trying to win at all costs. Ignore all entitlement statements of "I needs to win." basis. Focus on identifying the child's vulnerability and gently link it back to his defenses. If you are successful he will be able to take what you say in rather than going into the narcissistic posturing.

Bring the child's attention to his denied feelings and self-destructive behavior. Break into and challenge his thinking by asking him questions that interrupt winning the power struggle. Give him choices whenever possible. Bring him back to the feeling level repeatedly. Interrupt his defenses and ask him to feel. When that makes him angry, ask him to look at his defenses. Help the child to see that his anger does not get him what he wants. Challenge him to find the hurt underneath the anger, going back to his vulnerability. Help him develop his ego strength by taking control of his own emotions and actions.

You can help the child find his Observer Part so that he can step back and watch himself. He can learn to see how his angry thoughts and behaviors take him away from the things he longs for the mostlove and acceptance. Becoming a detective on his own behavior can give him distance from the painful internal feelings. The child will benefit from social skill training in these areas to make up for his deficits in thinking and behavior:

B7 Learning to follow directions and take in information instead of going to instant debate
B7 Delaying gratification and learning to inhibit impulsive actions
B7 Learning to state boundaries and allow others their boundaries
B7 Dealing with frustrations in socially acceptable way
B7 Reducing the egocentric view and learn altruistic behaviors (helping others) to gain self-esteem.
B7 Reinforcing his own self when behavior is appropriate
B7 Becoming his own coach and cheerleader for making good choices
B7 Viewing others with empathy and seeing things from their point of view
B7 Develop a healthy type of narcissism based on the balance between giving and receiving

Adult Cues to Break Into Statements of Entitlement

Say these statements as musings rather than as lecturing. Say the statement then back away; go back and say another statement later on. Any sense of your knowing what is best for the child will make the child back away. These interpretation statements are inserts to get the child to think on his or her own. The best tactic is to say the correctional response then change the subject. These phrases, which can be repeated again and again in neutral ways using different language, help put positive messages in the child about his egocentric behavior.

You feel that your needs aren't being met. I wonder why you need to get angry when that doesn't get you what you want? Does going to time out make you happy? What is another choice you could make instead of insisting that you get your way?

Maybe you get angry to avoid feeling the bad feelings inside. You could make a different choice. You could look at your anger and learn better ways to take care of it.

This is not a big deal. Big deals are parents screaming you or hitting you, leaving you or your becoming anxious when parents fight. Little deals are not getting your own way. You don't have to get angry over little deals. What could you tell yourself to let this go so you could feel happy? You could say "No Biggee" and let it go.

It is sad to see a smart person like you making yourself so angry all the time. Some people talk about feelings so they don't have to get angry so much. Hmmm. I wonder if you could do that?

You feel so good when people buy you things. That's one way to feel good. A better way is to do things that you are proud of like helping others. Helping others is a permanent way to increase self-esteem.

You get angry when I don't give you what you want. How does not getting your way hurt you? That's life. Learning that you don't always get what you want. Tell yourself, "I don't always get my way. That's how it is. I don't have to get mad."

When someone doesn't respond to you the way that you want, you become angry. You are smart enough to make a better choice. Tell yourself, "I can feel good even though I don't get my way."

It is so painful for you to look at yourself. I wonder why you want to argue instead of doing things that would make you happy?

Yes, it is hard to talk about feelings at first. It does feel uncomfortable inside at first. Then you get used to it just like riding
a bicycle is hard at first. The uncomfortable feelings go away and you feel good. When you learn to talk your feelings, you won't have to get angry all the time.

You used to take care of the bad feelings inside by insisting that you get your own way. That doesn't work anymore. What can you do now instead of blowing up?

I'm curious why you think it must go your way. Lets find the hurt underneath the anger. Look for the hurt feelings. Tell me about a time when someone hurt you.

Maybe someone hurt you a long time ago when you were little. Maybe you could start to talk about the old hurts. Then you could feel good inside again. I really want you to feel good inside. The only way to feel good inside is to talk about the hurt and go through it.

I hear you when you say "I want this, I want that." And I love you enough to say no some of the time. Life is giving and receivinggetting a balance. Give and take, take and give. I've noticed how good you feel when you give others a hand.

The Good News

Gimmee behaviors may be a stage in a child's life as they attempt to even the score. Like a pendulum swinging from one end to the other, the child who has been hurt or had less may demand more from adults around him. Therefore, it's best to view narcissistic behavior as temporary as a developmental stage where the child is trying to balance out his life by egocentric behavior. The self-involvement of two yearolds and teens may be a necessary part of their development in their trying to sort out whom they are. Self-centeredness is a natural stage of growing up and part of the necessary pulling away from the family to find their own identity.

Keep seeing the child as growing, evolving and seeking his true self. See the best in him and reinforce the behaviors that are age appropriate. Keep stressing that he can be happier once he learns to get his negative emotions out and under control. Hopefully with love and firm limits, the behaviors will play their course and the child will even out and balance his needs for getting from others with giving. Teach him altruistic ways of helping others as an antidote to his gimmees. Reflect the beauty that is within him, showing him that he is more than his neediness. Being filled up with a sense of self, the child no longer needs to demand so much from others and the narcissistic defenses lessen.


FUZZY THINKING: REALITY DISTORTION AND COMMON ERRORS IN THINKING

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

Certain errors of thinking keep the child who has been wounded by the cruelty of others caught in irrational ways of thinking. This faulty thinking, which set him up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment, is called cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are a set of defense mechanisms of seeing the world as unsafe. Some or all of these errors in thinking are present in some degree in children who have a deep inner sense of shame:

Reality distortion and Inability to See and Hear What is Real: The child sees situations through his own sense of woundedness and neediness. John Masterson, an expert in the field of personality disorders, calls this distortion having a Swiss cheese brain with holes where the ego strengths (common sense) should be. The child cannot always hear what you say because he is constantly in a state of neediness and fear of being vulnerable. He cannot risk trying new situations that might offer the opportunities to learn new skills. His internal shame and fears of being found cause a selective lens of which to look through.

Entitlement and Self-Involvement: The child has his antenna out looking for life's injustices that he then must whine and complain about. He constantly says, "But that is not fair" and resists learning that life is indeed not fair, but it the long run it evens out somehow. He keeps score with a scorecard that can never be balanced. He can't see events realistically so always believes he gets the short end of the stick. This intense need to look out for himself and complain loudly takes up a great deal of energy and he misses learning basic social skills of getting along with others. His playmates tolerate him if he has other personality characteristics that are valued by children such as creativity or a sense of adventure. If not, they view him as spoiled and a whiner.

Inability to Take Criticism: The child is thin skinned and must defend himself from hearing both constructive criticism and reprimands. The ability to take feedback is a major tool for growth and expansion. Children need feedback, both positive and negative, to shape their behavior and grow in maturity. If they become defensive to keep from bringing up the ever-present feelings of shame, they cut our valuable learning experiences. Both adult and peer constructive criticisms are necessary in becoming a mature individual.

Externalization of Blame: The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling vulnerable by blaming others. Taking responsibility for behavior cannot puncture the fragile self-esteem. His script is "Do not expose me to those intolerable feelings inside. I can't handle it."

Mood Switching: The child's fractured self is caught in mood swings. She may go back and forth between "I'll be good" and pouting or outrage because she isn't getting what she wants. She becomes angry when threatened with not getting her own way. There is a paramount fear of being hurt and rejected coupled with denial of need and clinging to the adult. Anger becomes as a way of trying to avoid abandonment and depression.

Poor Impulse Control and Frustration Tolerance: The child is highly reactive to outside stimuli that seem to threaten his sense of self and cannot delay gratification. He wants things NOW! He can be highly irritable and becomes upset over numerous small things with the attitude of "I want what I want when I want it!" He can become stuck in repeating his defensive demands that turn others away: "Take care of me. I'm needy. I'm special. Do for me what others have not done for me. What have you done for me lately? Give me everything I ask for or you don't love me."


Poor Ego Boundaries and Need for Control: The child cannot view things from any other perspective other than his own. He is so caught in his own neediness that he cannot feel empathy for others. He does not have the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes. He views others as objects to be used for his personal gratification.

Denial of Uncomfortable Feelings: The child keeps the focus on what he wants not how he feels. His constant demanding keeps him from feeling the pain inside. Denial of feelings is a major defense against keeping the hurt and shame away. He turns the tables around by trying to make others wrong for not giving him what he feels entitled to. You may hear him say, "I don't have to talk about feelings. I don't have bad feelings. I don't want to do any psychological work. I will make up schemes and only do what it takes to make me to feel good. I have to feel good at all costs!"

Frequent Anger and Rage: The child substitutes anger and tantrums as a way of keeping her uncomfortable feelings from being experienced. She becomes a master of rationalization and justification of her explosive actions: "If I don't get my way, then I have the right to get angry." Suicidal threats from some children can be an extension of the distorted thinking "Stick `em up and give me what I want or I will kill myself!" Homicidal threats are an extreme form of the entitlement attitude. The child essentially says, "I've been wounded and hurt, so I now have the right to kill others."

Need for Admiration: The child erroneously believes that he is special and should be given special privileges. In effect he says, "Give me perfect empathy. I deserve the biggest piece, the whole pie. Tell me how wonderful I am, so I can ignore the pain inside. Don't poke my self-protective bubble." This need to be seen as special is so great that he cannot take in other information.

Grandiosity and Fantasy: The child spins grandiose fantasies to cover up the internal wounds of his fractured self. He sets up elaborate fantasy schemes of winning, becoming powerful or gaining revenge for injustice. Daydreams of becoming rich and famous without talent or hard work are common. Ideas of revenge and feeling justified about revenge, then become a twisted attempt to gain self-esteem.

Idealization and Devaluation of Teachers or Friends: The child will make you feel that you are wonderful and special as long as you humor her. "As long as you give me what I want, you are the ideal person for me. If I bask in the wonderfulness of you, I don't have to look at my own pain." There is generally a honeymoon period until you ask her to be responsible for her own actions. Then you, like everyone else, will fall from grace. "You are bad if you don't let me win."

Bullying Others: The child who has been hurt internalizes the aggressive behaviors of the ones that were cruel to him and begins to bully others. The narcissistic wound caused by the trauma is then played out on others with teasing, taunting and physically hurting others. Freud called this the "Repetition Compulsion"the child repeats what has negatively been done to him with younger and more helpless children as an infantile attempt to get help for himself.
REPRESSORS GOING THROUGH LIFE WITH AN EMOTIONAL FLAT LINE EXCEPT FOR ANGER

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92000

Sigmund Freud said, "The ego expels whatever within itself becomes a source of displeasure." A defense mechanism is a habitual behavior that distorts reality to suppress thoughts and emotions that might bring up ego threat. Defense mechanisms function in life to help us deal with stress. However, the keep people from being real and living life to the fullest.

Repression is a defense mechanism first described by Sigmund Freud as a way that people keep unpleasant memories out of their consciousness. Repression is a compensatory style that deals with threat and stress by blocking unpleasant emotional experiences that might bring up anxiety, distress and vulnerability. Being split off from feelings is called alexithymia. Repressors seen to have a chronic, inaccessible filter that keeps them from experiencing the world through their emotions. They feel attacked and distance and isolate from others when they are stressed. They avoid talking about and rehashing unpleasant experiences as this adds to their stress. They become inaccessible to others when they feel the problem has been solved by their solution of dismissing it. They are conflict avoidant and cannot tolerate working things out to the satisfaction of their partner. They often deny that there is a problem and have a lack of insight about how their distancing bothers others.

Repressors do have the ability to feel and express anger. Anger is a substitute emotion for the hurt and disappointment they might feel. Anger takes them out of the emotional flat line and becomes their dominant emotions. They are stressed by having to deal with others on an emotional level and change the subject or evade the issue to keep people who are upset from bothering them. On the positive side, Repressors are often less neurotic than those who express their feelings easier. They can see events objectively without emotions clouding up the issue. They tend to be more aggressive and have a higher belief in themselves.

Repressors remember fewer negative experiences from childhood. By minimizing the unhappy events, they distort reality and can even believe they had a happy childhood when they did not. The research literature suggests that they protect themselves from discomfort by superficially taking in negative events. They spend less time processing unpleasant new events and have the ability to dismiss them. This defense allows them to experience unpleasant emotions less frequently than emotional intense people.

They do not form associations between negative experiences and internal arousal such as anxiety. They need repeated trials to link a negative experience with negative emotions. The assumption in the research literature is that repressors have a lack of emotional links in the brain that tie negative emotions to experiences.

People who repress their feelings view themselves as "thinkers" and proudly use their intellect to process information. Talking and problem solving take preference over feelings. They can be highly analytical like Dr. Spock of the Starship Enterprise. They often intellectualize which is trying to explain emotionally painful feelings through thought. Sometimes they feel superior over people who are more emotional and dismiss this style of dealing with stress. They just don't "get" feelings and talking things out!

Since they do not process their own emotions, they don't have a clue when it comes to understanding emotions in others. They do the worst with partners who are highly emotional and insist on sharing feelings and who try to make the Repressor responsible for their anxiety that remains when there is no clear-cut solution to the problem. They do best in relationships with a partner who leaves them alone and who do not insist on their engaging in continual emotional discussion. They do best of all with a partner who does not need closure on problems and has the ability to sweep conflict under the rug. However, that rarely happens as the type of partners they choose are in touch with their feelings and become angry when they are not available for problem solving.

Understand

Like a waterfall,
My face has no expression.
Sometimes it feels like I am being choked by a tie,
A star has no sound but a note,
It sounds so awkward, like an upside down pyramid,
Or maybe a spoon dropping on the floor,
Soft as a ballet shoe,
Loud as a duck,
Not always an X that marks the spot,
It all forms a map,
With no picture,
But understandable.

Teen poet, Danny Watson, winner of the Parade Magazine poetry contest.

PROJECTION FIRST CAST THE MOTE OUT OF THINE OWN EYE!

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

People often see their own attitudes and behavior as "normal" and overestimate the worst in others. They see others as bad while excusing the same traits in themselves. They often assume a "False Consensus Effect" that others perceive things the way they do. We all have a bit of projection in us, but some people have the need to blame others big time, thus obstructing their own growth and learning.

Projection is a common defense mechanism where a person gets upset with a trait in someone else that he wishes to deny in himself. They suppress the knowledge that they have the same trait and externalize blame on the other person. They are highly sensitized to the unwanted behaviors in others and transfer their horror and anger at their own unwanted inner trait to an outside person. Much of their internal thought or words during an argument is focused on blaming the other person.

People who project blame often feel a hidden stigma and shame at possessing a disgraceful personality trait so they "project" or transfer anger on others to distract themselves from knowing the truth about their own self. They become so highly sensitized to the presence of their unwanted traits that it interferes with their social informational processing. So they don't see reality as it is and then operate out of their misperceptions.

Another form of projection is to transfer the arrows and slings of life onto "bad luck" or "fate." People who project often have other defenses such as Overgeneralized Thinking, which is the habit of making statements that emphasize that things are always that way. Examples of this type of thinking are: "He never considers my opinion," "You always put me down," "She always tells me what to do," "I have to do all the work," "I never get a break," "Why can't you ever get it right?" and "I can't stand it," or "I can't take anymore." Overgeneralization language uses words like "never, always, should and everybody or nobody."

People who blame others frequently have a habit of Focusing on Right And Wrong and Dwelling on Perceived Injustice. They often say, "It's not fair!" and dwell on the negative. They keep score of slights from others and dwelling on them creating a climate of hurt and suspicion. They have a list of "shoulds" for their partner that are inconsistent with his or her personality, and which will undermine a relationship. Focusing on unfairness keeps them caught in anger, resentment and grudges. (Hey, life frequently is unfair, but focusing on it only makes you more miserable!)

People who blame others or situations without taking responsibility for their contribution to the problem never get the sense of satisfaction of growth. By refusing to see their own errors, they lose the opportunity to change the very aspects of themselves that keep them stuck.

The Narcissistic Stance "I Want To Feel No Way But Good."

Narcissism according to Freudian theory is an irrational belief that the person they choose for a partner will give them perfect love and make up for all the hurts and slights of their life. People with narcissistic thinking and behavior strive to defend their fragile self esteem through fantasy and have a huge blind spot in their way of thinking. Fantasy and unrealistic expectations take the place of life. People with narcissistic tendencies have other defenses and errors in thinking such as denial, repression of feelings, black and white thinking and externalization of blame. They are often rigid and have a strong need to be right. They feel an increase in self-esteem when they get what they want and feel no remorse at using others. They are supersensitive to criticism and either attack the other person or leave the scene. They can pout and give the silent treatment or hold grudges. This combination of these defenses that distort reality often set them up for failure in partnerships.
Now we all have a bit of narcissism and indeed need some of it to survive. Otherwise we would end up giving away everything. Getting a good balance between taking from others and giving to them is called "Healthy Narcissism."

People with severe narcissistic traits long for ideal love that will take care of their fragile sense of self and give them unconditional love. The yearning for getting unconditional love is an unresolved need left over from childhood. Most adults realize it would be nice but that it rarely happens as people we love usually hold us accountable for our actions in some way. They distort their self-image (again in fantasy to believe that they are superior to others. They think too well of themselves as a defense to cover up their sense of shame deep within. Grandiosity is a distortion that prevents them from blaming themselves and becoming depressed or disintegrated.

The two greatest fears we humans have in relationship are fears of engulfment (smothering, being controlled by someone else) and fears of rejection and abandonment. And to spice up the human drama, our greatest longings are the needs for connection and the opposite need for space and individuality. And so the couple dance is set playing out these great, universal themes. People with narcissistic traits play both these fears out in the relationships with their significant others, yearning for closeness and fearing it the same time.

In the narcissistic mind, there is a gap between the idealized love and the actual day-to-day dealings with their partner. They long for symbiosis with the idealized love to stabilize the self, but they fear being traumatized by the partner. They seek refuge in being seen as the good guy and try to gain approval and recognition. When this does not come forth readily, they feel wounded and hurt and attacked. Constantly seeking attention and approval puts them in the precarious position of always needing something from somebody else.

Fantasy is an attempt to process information and emotions and unresolved pain to make up for what they did not have in childhood. They place unrealistic demands on others to make them feel better. J. S. Bernstein defined this defense as a person's "Learning to feel no way but good and to demand success when he did not feel good." They cannot tolerate negative emotional distress and turn it on others (project) by saying they are bad. They insist on having things their own way that is an unreal attitude that sets others off against them. When they don't get what they want, they feel devalued.

People who cannot tolerate their own feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, helplessness and despair, certainly cannot recognize these emotions in others. They deny and rationalize their own contribution to the problems to preserve their own internal fantasy of being all good and right. They also suffer from the Repressor and Projection defenses described above. Narcissistic people always are Repressors to some degree, but not all Repressors are Narcissistic.

Narcissists have a lack of insight about understanding and processing of feelings. Instead they deny them and run from them. They avoid taking risks to love and never learn to develop true intimacy. They would rather threaten their relationship than face humiliation, embarrassment or injury to their self-esteem. They are slow to learn the all important skills of commitment such as sympathy, understanding the intentions and motives of their partner, compassion and empathy. They often discount the concerns of others, dismiss issues in their relationships and pull away from their partner. The narcissistic defenses of becoming angry, shutting down, minimizing and distancing keep them feeling safe in the moment. But the partner becomes highly threatened and angry thus weakening the relationship.

The antidote to narcissistic behavior is to understand how the defenses work, identify and correct the errors in thinking and learn to tolerate frustration, anxiety, sadness and shame. By learning to be straight first with the self, and then with others, these unhealthy defenses can be lessened. Then the person can learn to live in the world of reality, even though it hurts at times, instead of turning to fantasy that can never be gained. With hard work, people with narcissistic defenses can learn conflict negotiation and appropriate, safe anger expression. As they can learn to become more real with their feelings, they will gain self-esteem by stretching and growing, even if it means being vulnerable to uncomfortable emotional states. As these skills are learned, they can achieve more satisfying and balanced relationships with others.
THE "RIGHT WOMAN OR MAN THEORY"THE "I NEED TO BE RIGHT" WAY OF THINKING

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A9 1997

One of life's biggest set ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the only way. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! It's like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on "It so because I think it is so." People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense being in charge of the rights and wrongs of the Universe is no fun!

Wanting and insisting on getting your own way is a set up for unhappiness. Rigidity in thinking leads to power struggles or submission from others and distancing. As Andre' Maurois said, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage." People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and behaviors that insist on getting their own way. They have a strong case of the "shoulds" and "musts" for others. They believe that there is a certain way that others should act and become angry when their expectations are not met. They need to be seen as good, innocent and superior in their knowledge and how things should be done.

A closed system is one that keeps new information out to protect the status quo. Closed systems do not stretch because no new feedback is allowed in. The feedback loop continues the same way of thinking precluding change and growth. The person who needs to be right all of the time is a closed system big time! The person in control of the system cannot allow his ideas to be challenged so shuts down input from others. People in closed systems are rarely happy. Unfortunately, the need to be right is accompanied with a rigid stance and anger. Others distance from them and they cannot experience intimacy and connection. They cannot understand why their partner is so angry with themtheir rationale is that the partner should just change!

The ego always acts to preserve the sense of well-being and sets up defenses to avoid feeling fragmented. Turning the problem around and blaming the other person is a defense that reduces inner tension. Putting the problem outside ones self brings up feelings of self-righteousness. The unwanted parts of the self are projected outward on others as an ego defense against internal feeling of anxiety that conflict brings up. In severe cases, reality is distorted, aspects of memory forgotten and fantasy created. The person assumes that others are out to do them in. Defenses protect the person's sense of well-being. Defenses keep the pseudo self-worth that has been built on self righteous beliefs from plummeting.

People who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied imagined shortcomings and perceived attacks form the other person. They often feel betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and will use of anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Life becomes miserable for the family because it is fear based.

It's part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be right and consequent defensiveness permeates one's life, the less connected you will be with others. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others:

_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know." and "I was wrong."
_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Believe that others who disagree with you should "just get over it"
_____ Use anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments

Fear is the major dynamic operating in this condition. People who have the need to be right usually are very strong and are not usually afraid of the most common fears of physical pain, heights, snakes, public speaking, etc. Their hidden fear is feeling vulnerable, emotional and out of control. They have a low tolerance for emotional pain. They use the sense of being right as a narcotic for unruly feelings. They feel threatened when other people bring up a differing point of viewthis is the fear of being wrong. Freud called this dynamic "omnipotence of thought" and considered it a psychological defense to avoid inner anxiety and a sense of becoming fragmented when there is disagreement.

Uncomfortable emotions are repressed so that they do not have to be known and experienced. People who cannot feel and express emotions are called repressors in the psychological literature. Repressing of the negative emotions is more likely to be found in teen age boys and men and may be related to high levels of testosterone, the male hormone.

The AntidoteYou Can Learn to Feel Your Feelings and Give Up Your Need to be in Control

What are feelings? They are emotions such as sad, mad, glad, bad, scad (Southern for scared), disappointed, hurt, fearful, etc. Feelings are only feelings. They come and go. They are meant to be felt. That is why we call them feelings. As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You do not have to be afraid of feelings. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them. Label them. Call them by name: "Hey, I'm feeling sad and hurt right now!"

As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your logical, rational side making you a full functioning human being. You open the way so that others feel comfortable in approaching you.

As you learn to deal with anxious feelings that challenges by others brings up, you become more self-sufficient. You can learn to self soothe that anxiety instead of reacting to others with defensiveness and anger. You can learn to substitute feeling good about finding an area of yourself where you can grow instead of becoming anxious and resorting to old needs to prove that you are right.

As you relinquish disappointment and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness. Ask yourself, "Do I want to right or do I want to be happy?"

As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe through having it my way," you have more self understanding. Life becomes an exercise in taking responsibility for your part in conflict. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth. Self esteem increases when you face your deepest fear that you might be wrong.

As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability that does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increasethere will be more adventures in your life.

As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!

As you learn anger resolution and safe anger expression skills, self-esteem improves. Learn skills and tools to deal with your anger. Anger skills can be learned just as any other topic. Take an anger management or conflict resolution course to learn constructive ways to deal with anger.

The Recipe for a Full, Happy Life

Having the defense of always being right and trying to be in control creates distance with others. What we all want down deep when we strip away the defenses of control is to be loved. We want to feel safe. The fear of losing control and resulting hostility is always a sign of needing the experience of deeply being loved but it is skewed in how to go about it. Alas, it is a search for love being armed with tools for war.

A whole set of tools are needed to help deal with feelings in building a whole, healthy human being. You become more secure and are less upset as you understand that things don't always have go the way you want. Life becomes less threatening as you understand that feelings are only feelings and uncomfortable states of emotions can be endured and regulated. Learning to deal with vulnerable feelings will help you become a more well rounded individual going from "I need to be right" to "I choose to be a real person, uncomfortable feelings and all."

As a wise woman said, "We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior." The superior man or woman is always open to consider that there may be another reality other than the one that they see through the lens of their life. Putting down the tools of war and picking up the tools of communication, conflict resolution and connection can create a life that produces long lasting love.

PREVENTION CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE TO REMAIN A VICTIM OF THEIR ANGER

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

Children can learn effective techniques to deal with threat and their resulting anger. They need to learn the difference between actual and perceived threat. If anger is pushed down or denied, it builds up until there is an explosion over something insignificant. Mastery of the emotion of anger by expressing it in a socially appropriate way is necessary for independence and self-reliance. Staying centered in the present during other people's outbursts of anger is a skill that can be learned. Deep breathing and focusing on choices will allow more clarity and the time to move into logical problem solving.

We can give children a bigger bag of tricks from which to choose. We can teach them alternatives to aggressive behavior so that they can get their needs met. We can teach them to surround themselves with people who are supportive, caring and nurturing.

Antisocial children can be taught to take care of themselves through relaxation, stress management techniques and self-soothing. They can learn that self-angering thoughts can be challenged and interrupted and to inhibit impulsive behavior. With adult encouragement, negative feelings of anger and shame can be released.

The angry child can learn new tricks to help him deal with the stress and threat he will inevitably meet in these times of chaos and violence. Given loving kindness, the angry child can change his perceptual distortions of seeing hostility and threat when there is none. Trust of others and of one's own ability to make good choices in response to threat can be acquired. When we accept the child with all his scars and defensive stances and insist on him acting in healthy ways, we challenge his growth and send him better equipped to deal with the world.

"It's Not My Fault!"The Dynamics of Denial and Fear of Vulnerability

Children who get in trouble continuously receive so much punishment that they become hardened to it. They shrug it off with an "I don't care" attitude or laugh off your attempts at correction. This pose of indifference and toughness is a defense mechanism against feeling guilt and feeds into the rationalization of not being at fault. With this type of defense against feeling bad, blame is externalized to someone else: "I don't dare allow myself to feel bad inside, so I'll send those bad feelings towards someone else." This pattern is generally learned from parents and the cycle of aggression is often repeated down through generations of families.

Externalization of blame and rationalization of misbehavior is a tricky defense to break into. Get the child to feel his vulnerability and show him that you are on his side. Challenge him to learn different ways to think and act. Showing aggressive children a better way to deal with conflict and encouraging them to take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior is a loving and humane response to their cycle of aggression, rejection by others and the resulting poor self esteem.

Children deserve to be nurtured even when they have not been nurturing to others. Watch that you do not identify with the child who has been object of the aggression. Adults who have been victimized as a child may easily slip into anger over seeing another child being hurt. Go past your anger at your sense of injustice to the child who has been hurt. Your anger at the aggressor will guarantee that he will continue this behavior. Your nurturing and positive teaching will make a difference in the child who has hurt someone else. A key point of turning around his behavior is talking with the child about alternative ways that he could have handled conflict.

Expect denial from the child if you ask him to own up to his behavior when he is upset and angry. Children, like the rest of us, are not rational creatures when angry. Anger throws reason out of the window. The research shows that cognitive distortions such as minimizing, justifying or rationalizing their destructive behavior has been associated with individuals with antisocial behavior. Their pain is so great and their defenses so practiced that they cannot see their own part in the conflict.

Do not set up a situation of threat where the child will feel the need to go into his defenses. Give him a cool down period before talking to him. Give him a choice of the place where he wants to cooling down. Giving the child choices helps him to feel respect and helps him to be part of figuring out solutions. Imperatives given in a loud voice will cause him to shut down and be unavailable to your correction.

Angry children most likely have been hurt by others. They feel shame about being weak inside and turn around and victimize others. Your modeling firmness and fairness to the child will increase the likelihood that he will choose better ways of acting in the future. Scolding and shaming the child will only cause him to dislike himself even more resulting in a cycle of aggressive behavior. Helping the child save face and reduce the shame that he feels at being caught is part of getting him to understand and change his behavior.

Negative labels (bully, impossible, bad, mean, etc.) make the child feel shameful and cause him to put up his defenses to shut out what you say. He will feel bad enough just being found out. The child who is labeled often internalizes what is being said about him in a negative way. Talk about poor choices of behavior that can be changed with understanding and practice. Talk about the child's actions that are hurtful to others. The child can take responsibility for behavior; he cannot change a label that more than likely will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Recognize the child's ability to change his own behavior. Discuss the things that he does which cause other people to refuse to be his friend (when true) or the things that he does that are not respectful to others. Tell the child that he may feel bad, but that he is not a bad kid. He just hasn't learned the rules to take care of himself in healthy ways. This takes the focus away from internal character attributes that can't be changed and puts the emphasis on learning. Emphasize that he just has some learning to do to take care of himself. Tell him that you are here to help him learn the skills of getting along with others.

Have the child review rules for getting along with each other and treating people with respect. Ask him to make a value judgment on a specific behavior, asking him "Was that a good thing to do?" If he responds with a rationalization regarding what the other person did to him, tell him that he is always responsible for his actions no matter what was done to him. Remind the child that choosing to use his words and talk about what upsets him is always the best choice. This type of processing after misbehavior helps the child make better decisions for next time.

Error Correction: "I Can Feel Good About Making the Wrong Right"

There need be no blame if each person takes responsibility for his own actions and takes steps to correct the situation so it does not happen again. Error correction teaches self-responsibility. Review the rationale about mistakes being okay if you learn from them. This is the concept of error correctionif you make an error, correct it. That is why pencils have erasers. That is why we have word processing programs for computers with delete buttons. That is why we have U turns. The neat thing about making a mistake is the learning that you can gain from it. Mistakes are for learning. If we are smart, we don't have to keep making the same mistakes over and over like the one trick pony.

Help the child to see that blaming someone else is an unnecessary defense. Tell him, "You don't have to defend yourself by blaming someone else. That doesn't help solve the problem. We are problem solvers here. I'm here to help you. You need to learn how to take care of yourself next time. That is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself! Now tell me your part in this so we can work it out so it won't have to happen again." This approach takes the child out of the defensive mode and into error correction.

Ask the child to describe the poor choice of behavior that he made. Ask him how he will act differently next time. Ask him what he will say to help himself. Ask the child what he can do to correct his error to make amends for his behavior. Give choices for the penalty of the infraction of the rules and send the child off to make his amends.
Adult Cues To Break Into Inappropriate Behavior During Conflict:

Give the child choices to break into the energy of anger.
Ask the child to look at his own behavior.
Tell the child what you want him to do.

You can choose to use your firm, fair and friendly words, not your ugly words.
I understand, right now you are feeling mad. What can you do with these feelings?
You have a choice: Talk out your feelings or go to time out and get your mads under control. (Somehow the use of the word "mads" makes angry feelings acceptable to children.)
Thanks for catching yourself when you felt like hitting. Good choice! What do you do now?
Do yourself a favor. Look at what you are doing right now. Do you like what's happening? What would be a better
choice?

Cues For Self-Empowerment to Use After Misbehavior:

Give choices and ask the child to see the situation from a different perspective.
Ask the child to own his own behavior and correct his error.

You can cool down at the back of the room or stay right here and chill out. What's your choice?
When you are back to your quiet self again, we can talk.
When you feel bad inside, the only thing that helps is to talk to someone about it.
Look at the expression on ___'s face. You hurt him. How do you think he feels inside? Did you ever feel that
way? Tell me about it.
I know how you feel, sometimes I get mad myself. Then I tell myself, "It's okay to be mad if you are firm and fair
about it. Use your words and tell him of your anger."
What did you do to get yourself in trouble? What would be a better choice to make?
You can figure out what you did wrong and do it right next time! Let's figure out some choices. Put yourself in
____'s shoes. How do you think he felt when you teased him?
Are you being part of the problem or part of the solution right now? How could you change that? We can
feel good inside when we go for solutions.
You are the kind of kid who can own up to what you did and take care of your own bad feelings.
I believe in you. Sometimes it's tough, isn't it? You are one terrific kid.

Helper Words Helps Children Change Their Thinking and Behavior Patterns

Helper words or internal self-talk helps children remember ways to handle tricky situations. The research shows what Chinese educators have known all along: kids' memory improves when they talk out loud to themselves. The child's verbalization of a positive phrase to remind himself how to act helps him store this information in the brain. Group responses, chants and repeating the positive phrases many times daily out loud will help children to internalize concepts that emphasize self esteem building. The trick to working yourself of a job as the intervener of misbehavior is encouraging the children to remind themselves what they can do to take care of themselves during conflict.

Help children learn to use these and other Helper Words statements:
52 I feel good about using my words to talk things out.
52 I give up put-downs. I stop myself from saying put-downs.
52 I notice and speak up about hurts.
52 I own my mistakes. I feel good about correcting my mistakes.
52 I don't have to hurt back after hearing about a hurt I caused.
52 I see how my positive actions affect others.
52 I calm my anger. I put my anger in a place where it won't hurt anyone.
52 I can learn from my mistake. Errors are for learning!

Children and families who receive training in behavior management and communication learn positive ways of speaking to each other. They develop more effective ways of dealing with daily stressors and strains. Children are adept in picking up new ways of thinking and acting and learning tools to help them deal with conflict and negative emotions. Children as young as two years of age can be taught to "Use your words," when they are unhappy about something. They can learn to express anger in healthy ways instead of acting it out or bottling it up.

Family members can learn to use feeling words when upset. They can learn to approach conflict with problem solving. Learning to communicate well and use I Messages such as "I feel angry, when you ___" becomes a priority for those families who want to live a healthy, happy life. Social skills are positive abilities that help the child to interact with others in different situations in ways that are valued. Social skills are those actions that are acceptable by society and are beneficial both to the person and to others

Social skills are easy to teach. Children learn to reconnect with the positive values of treating each other with respect and taking responsibility for their own behavior. The focus of skill training is on developing reciprocal affective behavior between children. A skill-training program changes the entire climate to a positive way of thinking"Let's help each other and include everyone in our play groups." Activities that emphasize flexibility of thinking and seeing things from another person's perspective help children break into rigid ways of seeing people thus decreasing prejudicial thinking.

Groups provide a natural setting for children to learn the prosocial play skills necessary for success through direct teaching, in group discussion, modeling and practicing the skill with conditions of reinforcement. During skill training, the child is assessed through observation of his behavior to determine which skills he has mastered.

Some children do not have a certain skill in their repertoire (the "Can't Do" child). Others children have the skill but are not motivated to use it (the "Won't Do" child) or have not given themselves permission to use it in a certain setting (the "I'm Scared to Try" child). Children have to feel good about their ability regarding specific skill within an environmental setting before they choose to do it.

Teaching social skills to children is very much like teaching academic subjects: assess, teach, practice and reward. The steps to teaching social skills are similar except that play and group activities and discussion plays a stronger role:
52 Identify the skill that needs to be learned.
52 Introduce the skill through discussion and modeling of the desired response.
52 Give the rule and alternatives to the rule.
52 Cue the child what to say and do regarding the new skill.
52 Have the child cue himself through self-talk.
52 Provide practice of the skill through modeling, games, puppet and doll play, and role-playing.
52 Reinforce the new skill during practice.
52 Teach the child to reinforce himself using self-talk for using the skill.
52 Provide opportunities for generalization and reinforcement of the skill in daily play.
SOCIAL SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH ANGER

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

ALL KIDS: To Channel Anger Into Constructive Action
___ To identify and name feelings and use the "I feel _____ when you _____ formula" when appropriate
___ To speak feelings appropriately when feeling threatened but refrain when it's not safe.
___ To deal with others who discount feelings and do not want to listen.
___ To express anger in safe and productive ways that increase self esteem.
___ To change anger constructively to MADMake A Difference

ALL KIDS: To Learn to Contain Excessive Anger
___ To learn to discriminate between big and little deals. (Don't sweat the small stuff.)
___ To realize and accept that you don't always get what you want. (Break into entitlement)
___ To learn to identify irrational thoughts and statements that fuel anger.
___ To break into self-angering thoughts and use cool down thoughts.
___ To learn to analyze and correct mistakes instead of beating self up.
___ To use Thought Stoppage techniques to interrupt intrusive, negative thinking.

ALL KIDS: To Release Current and Old Anger in Effective Ways
___ To displace anger symbolically when it is not safe to express it directly.
___ To use positive displacement of anger and refrain from negative displacement.
___ To use Thought Stoppage techniques to break into self-angering thoughts.

ALL KIDS: To Observe Rather than Over React to Threatening Events
___ To learn to observe and identify body reactions, emotions and thoughts during threat.
___ To use observation of physiological cues to break into anger or fear responses.
___ To find and express sadness, confusion and hurt that may lie under the anger.
___ To analyze the threatening event and identify and break into triggers.
___ To bridge current angers back to old unresolved childhood issues.
___ To stay present in the threat of danger rather than lashing out or stuffing anger.
___ To change the self-angering or self-depreciating meanings given to threatening events.
___ To make self-empowering statements showing resilience to life's stressors.
___ To keep cool when others are trying to push your buttons.
___ To take Time Out when overheated during an argument and then return to problem solve.

THE VICTIM KIDS: To Learn Assertive Ways of Dealing with Threat
___ To stand up and speak assertively when threatened.
___ To say No, state boundaries and Bottom Line, and leave if boundaries are not respected.
___ To shield against the negative energy of name calling and ridicule.
___ To take care of self when others fight. (It's not my problem. It's a grownup problem.)
___ To break into dissociative states of fear and numbing out.
___ To use techniques of self-soothing when upset.



THE BULLYING KIDS: To Learn to Feel Empathy and Respect Others
___ To listen to others when they are upset.
___ To recognize and refrain from actions that are hurtful to others.
___ To stop blaming others when they are confronted.
___ To take responsibility for one's own actions and wrong doings.
___ To refrain from sarcasm, name calling, egg-ons and put-downs.
___ To learn to see things from the other person's perspective.
___ To observe the effect of one's actions upon others and express sorrow for hurting others.
___ To treat others with respect and caring.
HOW A CHILD CHANGES! SEVEN STEPS TO FREEDOM

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., A92001

How does a child make the decision to make changes in his aggressive behavior? First, someone has to believe in his ability to change. Your belief in the best that is the child is the magical ingredient in helping him see himself differently. Teach him alternatives to handle conflict will give choices in future situations.
Here are the steps to how a child works through the process of change.

1. Recognize his own negative response to a problem. (Own his behavior.)
2. Learn about new ways to respond to the problem.
3. Make the decision to stop acting in ways that hurt others. (Feel good about making positive choices!)
4. Watch himself when conflict comes up again.
5. Use Helper Words to choose more healthy responses.
6. Practice the new responses. Fine-tune them. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!
7. Reward himself by feeling good and using positive Helper Words. This process internalizes the self as a caring person.

The process of change has been described as a five-stage process by researchers who examined how people overcome destructive and addictive behaviors. The stages of changes that can be incorporated into teaching social skills are:
1. Precontemplation: The young person is unaware or under aware of their problem and does not intend to change.
2. Contemplation: The child becomes aware of the problem and gives serious thought about changing his behavior. This is the "Maybe I should" stage.
3. Preparation: The child begins to have strong intentions about change for the future.
4. Action: The child sets a standard and begins to modify his behavior to overcome his problems.
5. Maintenance: The child works keep his behavior to the standard that he has set. Much recognition and reinforcement will be needed as the child struggles to maintain his gains in positive behavior. Behavior change will continue only if the environment and the child's peers encourage and support the child's efforts.
AN OPEN LETTER TO PARENTS OF CHILDREN WHO HAVE A SEVERE ANGER PROBLEM

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. , A92001

I'm getting so many letters from baffled parents with angry children. Some of the parents have a background of abuse from childhood. Others have a child with an anger prone temperament. Other angry children have a history of sexual abuse the parents may not know about. Some children have a combination of these three factors. I call these kids Industrial Strength Kids. They require Industrial Strength Parenting. They need to learn the skills talking about feelings instead of acting them out, containing their anger and being able to see things from others' eyes.

Children who talk about their feelings decrease their anger. As they grow up, they are less likely to turn to alcohol or drugs or join gangs. Some of the skills that can be taught and reinforced are eye contact, smiling, taking turns, listening to others, inhibiting behaviors that threaten others, following directions, sharing uncomfortable feelings, stopping sarcasm and egging others on. Some of the higher-level skills are resolving conflict, listening with empathy when pain and hurt are described, giving support and encouragement and creative problem solving.

Social skills are easy to teach. Children learn the positive values of treating each other with respect and taking responsibility for their own behavior. The steps to teaching social skills are similar to teaching academic subjects except that play and group activities and discussion plays a stronger role.

Identify the skill that needs to be learned.
Introduce the skill through discussion and modeling of the desired response.
Give the rule and alternatives to the rule.
Cue the child what to say and do regarding the new skill.
Have the child cue himself through self-talk.
Provide practice of the skill through modeling, games, puppet and doll play, and role-playing.
Reinforce the new skill during practice.
Teach the child to reinforce himself using self-talk for using the skill. (Feel good about using the skill!)
Provide opportunities for generalization and reinforcement of the skill in daily play.

Social skills training give children a bigger bag of tricks from which to choose. Children can learn techniques to deal with threat and their anger. The habitually angry child can change his perceptual distortions of seeing hostility and threat when there is none. He can learn to master the skills of stating feelings and staying centered during other people's outbursts of anger and refrain from lashing out at others. Focusing on choices will give him the time to move into logical problem solving. Self-angering thoughts can be challenged and interrupted to inhibit impulsive behavior.

Social competence requires that we learn to feel our emotions, talk about them and make responsible behavior choices that are respectful of others and ourselves. When children learn to feel and talk their feelings, then they can learn to trust others.

Anger problems in children need to be nipped in the bud so you don't have tremendous problems during the teen-years. You are going to need some help. I strongly recommend that parents take parenting class in the early years and one later on when their oldest child turns twelve (there are a whole set of skills in raising a teen anger!) You can find out about classes by calling your local mental health center or local school counselor. Or look in the paper. You'll get tremendous support from other parents who are having the same problems you are. You will feel so much better about yourself as a parent!

Keep up with the latest trends in anger management. This kind of problem is a usually a year-by-year challenge, but it is sometimes a day-by-day challenge. Keep violent TV and movies to a minimum. Channel your child into one of the martial arts that teaches self-discipline and respect for others.

Teach your children these lessons that emphasize respect and responsibility and live them yourself.

Twelve Hugs a Day for all Family Members. You may substitute touches, smiles, compliments and affectionate gestures for these hugs, but get a balance between these four categories of positive expression. Give twelve positive strokes after a blow out with someone you care about to do damage repair on the relationship. Making up after an argument is a necessary skill to keep a relationship thriving.

Model Good Use of Your Own Mads. Address your own anger when it comes up. Learn safe, appropriate ways to handle it. Talk your angry feelings out loud in your child's presence. Model your getting angry and then taking a Time Out to cool down by announcing to your child what you are doing. Emphasize that your family is becoming a "Talk Your Feelings Family!"

"Mean What You Say And Say What You Mean," said Lucy of the Peanuts cartoon. When you make a commitment, keep it. When you say only what you will follow through on, your children will learn that you mean business. If you say it, do it. Move your body not your mouth for discipline and insist that your child minds by your following though. If you aren't going to follow through forget about saying it.

Respect Who You Are, Do Not Emphasize on What You Do. Balance effort, success and a sense of being who you are. Yes, effort is necessary to succeed in life. But children need to know that they are more than their latest performance. If self-esteem is only tied to effort (I am valuable due to my achievement), the child is only as good as his latest project. He will learn to devalue his values and his own self and place too much emphasis on projects. Teach the balance between "To be." and "To do."

Learn from Your Mistakes. Errors are for learning, not for beating yourself up. Learn to problem solve after failing and you will have a sure-fire formula for success. Self-esteem grows when mistakes are used to examine your life and do it different next time. Stretch and grow from your mistakes and you will have a sure-fire formula for success. You are as mature as you are able to own your errors and get a plan to correct them.

No Sniveling. No whining. No excuses. Take responsibility for your goof ups. Taking responsibility is real power, personal power. That is true POWER!

Don't Expect To Get Favors in Life. Do Expect That You Will Have To Work Hard For What You Get. Work hard and good experiences will come your way. Entitlement, as a way of expecting the world to take care of you, rarely works. Expecting to get your way all the time will turn you into a miserable person.

Follow Your Dreams. You May Not Always Get Them But the Journey Will Take You To Some Exciting Places. You will discover new dreams along the way to enrich your life. Dreams keep us alive. They won't all work out, but they can give positive energy to enhance daily living.

Stay Open To Your Inner Voice. You can develop a deep sense of wisdom with in you, by listening to your conscience and your Higher Power. There is a part of you that knows what the right thing is to do in any given situation. Listen to it and you will become a person of integrity.
Use The One-Minute Praising to Help Your Child Feel Good About Himself and His Efforts.
Use these positive discipline ideas from The One Minute Mother and The One Minute Father by
Kenneth Blanchard and Spencer Johnson

Praise Your Child Immediately. Catch Your Child Being Good And Tell His World About It!

1. Tell him what he did right. Be very specific.
2. Tell him how you feel about what he did and how it affects the family in a positive way. (I feel pleased, elated, great, etc. that you get your homework done all on your own. You do your job just like I do mine and that's what families are about. We support each other and let each other know about a job well done.)
3. Stop and pause for a minute to let your child feel how good you feel.
4. Encourage him to do more of the same good efforts.
5. Shake hands, give a high five, shoulder pat or hug.
6. Lynne's version: I'd add: Teach your child to praise himself. "Tell yourself to pat yourself on the back. Tell yourself `Good job!' Notice how good you feel when you get your work done." If your child learns to internalize the positive parent voice when he does something well, he will not be dependent on outside praise.

To Put Limits On Your Anger Outbreaks Use The One Minute Reprimand
1. Tell your child beforehand that you are going to let him know in no uncertain terms how he is doing.
2. Reprimand your child immediately. Tell him specifically what he did wrong in one sentence.
3. Tell him how disappointed, upset, sad, frustrated, or angry you are (choose one emotion only).
4. Stop and let it sink in. Allow a half moment of uncomfortable silence where he gets how you feel.
5. Shake hands, or touch him in a way that lets him know that you are on his side despite your upset feelings.
6. Remind him how much you value him, what a cool person he is, etc.
7. Reaffirm that you think well of him, but not his performance. (You area a great kid who messed up!)
8. Give a consequence when necessary.
9. Remind him that you realize he will make a better choice next time.
10. Let it go. No lectures. No more. Just stop. Realize when the reprimand is over, it's over.
11. Leave it with you believing in him and his ability to make good choices. (Smiling, not moralizing)

Recommended Books

The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out (my book) $12.50 ppd. from Talk, Trust & Feel, 1120 Buchanan Ave., Charleston, IL 61920. View at <catalog/p10.htm>

The Challenging Child, by Stan Greenspan

Parenting The Strong Willed Child by Rex Forehand

The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson.

PURRFECT Parenting by Beverly Guhl and Don Fontenelle

The Indigo Children by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober <http://www.indigochild.com> has some intriguing ideas for working with the type of child who marches to his own drum and thinks differently. They require a different type of discipline and education. The book makes the point that today's children are so instilled in technology that they think differently than the generations that came before. The constant use of computers from an early age has changed them into left-brain thinkers with their right brains underdeveloped.

Indigo Children come into the world with a sense of royalty and a feeling of deserving to be here. They have good sense of self, but question unjust authority. They get frustrated with ritualized systems that are designed to meet the needs of others. They do not respond to discipline techniques that involve guilt and force. They require reasoning and being given a chance to work out their own solutions to misbehavior. Some have a high level of energy. They are very bright and often have better, higher-level ideas to work out problems. They challenge ridiculous adult behavior. These children need discipline techniques that emphasize respect and responsibility. For ideas on parenting the Indigo Child, explore these books:

Back in ControlHow to Get Your Children to Behave by Gregory Bodenhamer

Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinda

The Life That You Were Born to Live by Dan Millman

Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell,

Helping Your Hyperactive ADD Child by John Taylor

The A. D. D. Book by William Spears and Lynda Thompson

Keep reading my pages on anger management until it really sinks in.

Peace,

Lynne Namka
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About Dr. Namka:

I am in private practice as a psychologist in Tucson, Arizona, and the creator of the Angries Out web pages that has won fourteen national awards. These articles have been complied and edited from my anger management curriculums and from other writings that interpret psychological research.

The writings show a theme of children being hurt and then hurting others in a system that condones aggression. Sadly, violence of all forms begets violence that is being played out in the minds of some of our young people. My basic message is anger is a complex human trait that can best be handled through understanding it and learning positive social skills of safe anger expression. Our society and its school can teach the basic values of respect, caring for others, tolerance of differences and compassion for all as well as the necessary anger management social skills. Children, who have been victimized, can learn to express their strong emotions is safe and acceptable ways. We can turn this climate of fear and revenge into one of acceptance and hope. We can become a gentler, more loving society.

I am not connected to any of the Promising and Exemplary Programs included in this report that reduce negative behavior in children. My anger management curriculums provide activities for students that give depth to existing school and community programs addressing the problem of school violence.