The Dynamics of Rejection, Isolation, Bullying, Shame, Anger and Acting Out in Rage in Children

© Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

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Lynne Namka, Ed. D. Licensed Psychologist
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In the Words of a Parent of a Murdered Son, "Why Is This Happening and What Should We Do?"

The topic of school shooting is complicated and involves trauma, anger, defense mechanisms, internalization of the aggressor, shame, narcissism, revenge and the need to act out in ways that were done to the child. Drawing from my years helping students deal with their deepest psychological pain and my fascination on research on personality disorders, I explain the underlying psychological dynamics that turn nice kids into bullies.

Who Are The Attackers?: The Interim Secret Service Report on school violence says that there are no particular student type and no one common profiles to describe the children who shoot others. (The Secret Service Safe School Initiative report can be found at http://www.treas.gov/usss/index.htm?ntac.htm&1) There are, however, certain themes in the study that took place from 1974 to 2000. Patterns did emerge from the data on the 41 shooters, ages 11 to 21, from 37 school violence incidents. School violence decreased in the 1990s, then copycat aggression increased after the Columbine incident. Information was collected from journals and interviews with friends and the adolescents who were incarcerated.

Weapons were easily obtainable. Handguns and rifles were the most common weapons used. Most attackers had access to guns and previous training. Nearly two-thirds got the guns from their family or from a relative. A national survey of 15,000 teen-agers from the Josephson Institute of Ethics reported that one third of students do not feel safe at school and that twenty one percent of high school boys carry a gun or a blade.

The students who used guns at school just didn't just snap as previously thought. More than three-fourths planned their attack in advance after airing grievances at school. More than half described revenge as a motive. More than two-thirds cited multiple reasons. Plans were made in advance with half of them thinking about their revenge strategy for a two days to two weeks. Others made their plans over a longer period of time as shown by their writings in their journals. See, "Life's Injustices Set the Stage for Perception of Threat and Aggressive Behavior," page 10.

No One Style Fits All: The Secret Service Report said that there was no one profile that fit all of the shooters. Trying to find a profile does not work because the use of a profile identifies too many students. There were, however, certain patterns that did emerge from the data.

Some attackers came from intact families; some from foster care. A few were loners but most had friends. Some had good grades and some were failing. Prior to the attack, most showed behavior that brought them to the attention of school staff or authorities. Half threatened to kill themselves. Some wrote of desperation associated with aggressive acts. See, "Who Is In and Who Is OutHow Children View Their Peers," page 16.

More than half of the shooters described extreme depression and anxiety. Three-fourths had an important loss in relationships, a humiliating failure or a loss of status with their peers before the shooting. They did not have the coping skills to deal with loss, shame and embarrassment. Depression often is accompanied by a loss of interests. Some became alienated from healthy school activities and values. See, "Anger and Social Skill Deficits," page 20.

Emotional Scars That Covered Up Festering Wounds: Three-fourths of the students had mentioned suicide. Six killed themselves during the attack. Three-fourths of them did not have problems solving skills and viewed the planned violence as a way of solving their problem. As in suicide, the distraught person narrows their mind down to, "Death is the only way to deal with my pain and stress." Students who planned violence became preoccupied with a singular solution that involved death to others. According to the report, "Violence is a end result process . . ."

Many of the shooters who dwelled on revenge made lists of their targets. Other people in addition to the targets were included in half of the situations. They appeared to lose their empathy with others as human beings, seeing them as target to be killed. Chillingly, in half of the cases, the shooters tried to maximize the number of victims. See, "RepressorsGoing Through Life With An Emotional Flat Line, Except For Anger," page 32.

The Taboo Against Being a Snitch: School shooters often told peers of their desire to kill people, but these threats were not reported to authorities. Children are socialized with the peer code of "Don't tattle." The attackers rarely told an adult. One fourth of the attackers told their plan to their target victim. Their friends either did not believe them or felt it was an act of betrayal to tell authorities. Some friends laughed the threat off. One friend said, "He said that it'd be cool to kill people. He said he could probably get away with it . . ." "I kind of blew that off too." In almost half of the cases, their friends encouraged the violent plan in about one third of the cases. In one case, the students who heard about a planned killing gathered to watch it in an overhead balcony instead of alerting help.

Coping with Pain by Fantasy About Revenge: Fantasy thoughts about revenge are a common motive mentioned along with despair, hate and rage. The children who turned on their peers had lost their hope and faith in people. One young man wrote, "Hate drives me . . . I am so full of rage . . . Everyone is against me . . . As soon as my hope is gone, people die." Dwelling on revenge and hate can push the embittered student to a sense of entitlement of "I've been hurt so I can hurt others." The Josephson Institute of Ethics report said that twenty seven percent of middle schoolers and thirty one percent of high schoolers think that it okay to hit or threaten others and seventy percent have hit at least one person in the last year. See, "You Owe Me!" Children Of Entitlement," page 26.

Trauma creates Fuzzy Thinking: The Secret Service Report said that school shooters had distorted thoughts about getting even in fantasy, in their writings. Three-fourths of the shooters held a grudge against certain their target. Some of the grievances were real; some were imagined. As the shooter dwelled on the injustice, it escalated in his mind until he perceived that the only way out was to kill someone. One shooter said, "My HATrid tord humanity forced me to do what I did . . . know parenting had nothing to do with what happens today. It seems my sanity has slipped away and something evil has taken its place..." See, "ProjectionFirst Cast the Mote Out of Thine Own Eye!" page 33.

People who make the decision to kill others have distorted thinking. Their thought patterns of life as being fair starts to erode and is replaced by a view that the world is out to get them. They start to be that they should strike out at others. They are overwhelmed with anger and hate and lack good coping skills to deal with the intensity of their emotions. See, "Fuzzy Thinking: Reality Distortion and Common Errors In Thinking," page 30.

Bullying Begets Bullying: Loss is a common denominator with the resulting feelings of sadness, loneliness and feeling unempowered. The study said that two-thirds of the attackers reported that they had been bullied and tormented by other children. Being picked on by others and not having the social skills to deal with the harassment is a common theme in today's youth. The American Psychiatric Association has associated being subjected to harassment from classmates as a factor that can encourage a child to turn to violence.

Put Downs: Words Do Hurt: Students who are singled out for abuse by their classmates feel dismissed and disenfranchised by their classmates. Others learn what their psychological buttons are and push them relentlessly. On boy who had fired at others told of the verbal abuse he had suffered, "Reject, retard, loser.' I remember 'stick boy' a lot, 'cause I was so thin." Anger and rage can turn to alienation and a lack of caring about others. One boy said, "Most of them didn't care. I just felt like nobody cared. I just wanted to hurt or kill them all." See, "Children Who Are Traumatized by Bullying," page 18.

The SS Report says that schools that tolerate bullying will produce students who are more likely to resort to violence. In a letter to the editor of the Arizona Daily Star, Lisa McLaren said, "As a recent high school graduate, I was witness to many young adults just like Andy and the daily torment that they faced. Why is this behavior tolerated at school? In my experience, much of it has simply been ignored. Teachers are only willing to step in if a problem becomes physical . . . We need to foster a more professional attitude in our high schools where this type of "pecking order" mentality is severely punished."

Not All Bullied Children Resort to Violence: Most children who are hurt by their peers do not pass violence on. What factors distinguish the "shooter" from the child who goes on with his life, however traumatized? I believe the major factor in children who resort to killing others is internalized shame. They use an ineffective coping mechanism of using fantasy to get revenge and show others. Shooters become more obsessed with violence. Their self-esteem and identity becomes invested in getting even. See, "Shame Is the Shaper of Symptoms The Disowned Part of the Self," page 22.

We only hear about the children whose drastic action makes the news. There are many more young people experiencing rejection, pain, isolation and the resultant anger, who live lives of quiet desperation. According to Dr. Will Pollack, author of Real Boys and Real Boys' Voices, "Obviously, school shooters are the tip of an iceberg. That's the bad news."

Reporter, Kathleen Parker of the Orlando Sentinel sums it up: "Happy" little yuppie children, from prosperous, dual-parent families are as likely as anyone to suffer from advanced "self-esteemia," the narcissistic notion that life (and death) flow through oneself even at the expense of other lesser lives. What does matter is we have a generation of kids who don't know how to handle simple obstacles (bullies) or inevitable failures (rejection) and who, owing to their culture of violence, delusions of self-grandeur and habit of instant gratification, are comfortable resorting to the quickest remedy."

The 1998 survey of 15,686 students from six graders to 10th graders from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development shows the prevalence of bullying in current teenage society. The study was reported in the Journal of American Medical Association. Overall, 30 percent of students reported occasional or frequent bullying which was defined as negative verbal or physical behavior towards another less powerful person. A number of schools have adopted anti-bullying programs. According to an Associated Press report, Colorado is considering legislation which would require districts to provide intervention programs. Also noted was the use of intervention programs which have been instituted in Europe.

School Violence Explained: Table of Contents

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