Anger is a chain of simultaneous body and mind reactions. It happens quickly as one of the responses to threat or perceived threat. It takes one thirtieth of a second from threat to reaction for the chain of mind and body reactions to take place!

The response of anger can serve many different functions. Some people with low self-esteem automatically substitute anger during threatening experiences due to their fears of being seen as vulnerable. They have learned that acting tough and macho makes them feel important. Often negative emotions serve to manipulate, control or intimidate others. Sometimes a child will substitute an inappropriate emotion such as anger for another response out of fear. Getting angry when frightened, or crying when frustrated, are examples of misguided emotion.

A large group of our young people suffers from emotional and behavioral problems. Studies indicate that between l7 percent to 22 percent of youth under age l8 suffer from emotional and behavioral problems. This means that between 11 million to l4 million children are at risk for emotional impairment. A majority of these children have difficulty in handling anger and act out in violence and intolerance.

Expression of hostility creates more hostility for the child. The child who cannot control his aggression can end up with peer rejection. Habitual, hostile expression of anger perpetuates an environment that is unhealthy for all involved. Venting anger only turns up the heat and keeps it flaming through justification of the right to be angry. The angry person may feel better for a short time after raging but underneath he often feels worse for losing his cool. Or he may hold on to his anger rationalizing it to himself and others in an attempt to maintain his right to behave in violent ways.

Children who are habitually angry typically suffer from skill deficits. They have missed learning some of the basic skills in getting along with others. They misinterpret social situations that are ambiguous and respond with aggressive behavior. They have a set of beliefs that emphasize retaliation. They may erroneously believe that self-righteous expression of anger is healthy. Angry children have not learned to put themselves in others' shoes and see things from other people's perspective. They have not learned the skill of consequential thinking. They do not know how to break into their rigid thinking and cannot stop making judgments about others. They have strong "shoulds" for others and get upset when others do not follow their wishes. They blame others for their problems and do not take responsibility for their own actions. They cannot allow themselves to see that they are at fault for some of their problems.

Individuals who get upset daily over many small things have an one-response perspective on life. Their belief is that "I want what I want when I want it and can do whatever it takes to get it! I have the right to get angry over every little thing. It is right for me to be angry and express it any way that I want. I have a right to have it my way." They have destructive entitlement beliefs that keep them convinced that others must conform to their wishes. They come to believe that the world "owes them" because they are "special." Since the world rarely goes the way they want, they are continually disappointed and become angrier. Their negative self-talk convinces them that it is horrible when things do not happen the way that they want it to be.

Anger can be expressed outward towards others or turned inward. Children who express anger directly often have an attitude of hostility to keep adults away. They may verbally abuse their peers.

Some angry children are internalizersthey take negative things inside and are secretly angry. They are not comfortable in letting others know how they feel. They rarely talk about or express their anger directly to others. Their belief is "I must be the nice guy and can't let you know how angry I really am." They may develop physical symptoms due to the stuffing of the anger or become depressed.

In either caseanger "outers" or anger "inners" the person with unresolved anger is caught in behavioral pattern that alienates him from others.

Parental Styles and Children's Anger

Parenting styles that often correspond with children's excessive anger are "giving too much" or "giving too little." The "giving too much" parent tries to meet the child's every need. This results in the child believing that the world revolves around them. Some children who are badly spoiled by their parents grow up believing that they should get everything they want and they have the right to be angry if they do not get it. This parenting style results in a high demand child who has a sense of entitlement from others. He does not learn to deal with inner frustration and delay gratification. At a deep level, what the spoiled child really wants are parents who consistently set limits, say no in a loving manner and give him attention when he acts appropriately. Not being given limits and structure, he is angry.

The "giving too little" parent is self-involved and does not nurture the child. The parent may be cold and rejecting, due to being involved with addictions or be an angry person himself. The parent may be busy and self involved and literally is never at home for the child. The unwanted child grows up feeling neglected, rejected and abandoned. Every day he must contend with feelings of desperation, being misunderstood, frustration, fear, loss, grief and betrayal. The child cannot express his anger because fears that his parent might reject him further

The child who has been heavily criticized and abused by a parent often grows up believing "damned if I do and damned if I don't." This type of child feels that he is not worthy of getting his needs met and feels shame for not measuring up to what his parent expects of him even though it may be irrational. The child who suffers from verbal and physical abuse is angry about this injustice. His hostility toward others is displaced anger. Acting out can be an unconscious attempt to make his parents give him what he wants. If aggression and violence are modeled in the home, the child learns that coercion is associated with power and getting one's own way.

School Violence Explained: Table of Contents

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