SHAME IS THE SHAPER OF SYMPTOMS THE DISOWNED PART OF THE SELF

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., © 2001

Shame is a fear-based internal state that is accompanied by beliefs of being unworthy and basically unlovable. Shame is a primary emotion that conjures up brief, intense painful feelings and a fundamental sense of inadequacy. Shame experiences bring forth beliefs of "I am a failure" and " I am bad" which are a threat to the integrity of the self. This perceived deficit of being bad is so humiliating and disgraceful that there is a need to protect and hide the flawed self from others. Fears of being vulnerable, found out, exposed and further humiliated are paramount. Feelings of shame shut people down so that they can distance from the internal painful state of hopelessness.

Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions. On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable." develops and a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these experiences as happening before the child develops language and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal. Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior.

Shame and Guilt

Children often feel guilty as well as ashamed. Guilt is an emotion that rises after a transgression of one's own or cultural values. Guilt is about actions; shame is about the self. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed in regret and remorse. Engaging in behavior that causes one to feel guilty behavior can lead to deep shame. Guilt is a side effect of perfectionism and setting goals either too high which are then impossible to meet.

The typical shame response brings about a heightened degree of arousal and self-consciousness. The person in emotional pain averts his eyes and his head goes down. New information is blocked. There is intense discomfort and muscular tension. The body collapses inward to protect the self and there is a shrinking of body energy. The skin may become flushed with embarrassment. There are feelings of inadequacy and the fear of self-exposure. The person wants to shrink, hide or even die to get away from the painful feelings of mortification. These feelings are so excruciating that the child wants to avoid them at all costs.

Causes of Shame

Adult-induced causes of shame involve betrayal by others and a broken trust through disapproval or humiliation. Parental withdrawal and rejection demonstrated by looks of contempt can cause instantaneous shame reactions in children. A child who believes that his parents favor a sibling often believe that there is something basically wrong with him or he would be the chosen child. Shame also occurs when the parent's have high standards of behavior and react with anger or embarrassment when the child does not live up to expectations.

Punishment for failure and humiliation over the child's expression of vulnerability, distress, crying or pain typically create shame. Criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule further reinforce the child's beliefs of unworthiness. Harsh parental discipline of a coercive nature creates fears of abandonment in the child. The trauma of physical abuse imprints feelings of being devalued in the child. Empathetic shame happens when the child internalizes humiliation and shame reactions of other people. Sexual abuse typically causes the child to feel dirty and bad and he often absorbs the shame of the adult who committed the offense.

Peer-induced causes of shame are especially painful for the child who is so dependent upon other children for validation of his self-esteem and identity. When a child is teased, taunted, harassed and verbally abused, he often internalizes the labels or shrugs them off. Most children do not have the maturity or understanding to deflect the negative energy of hateful labels heaped on them by their classmates. The child feels disrespected or "dissed" and takes on a lower opinion of himself that holds the deep shame. Children respond to the tormenting by fighting back and being labeled a troublemaker or becoming helpless and depressed. They can carry the deep shame experiences and a lowered sense of self into adulthood.

We are Driven by Our Unresolved Shame Experiences

"Shame is the shaper of symptoms," said Donald Nathanson. The unacknowledged thoughts and feelings become repressed and surface later through substitute emotions and dysfunctional behavior. Other emotions are substituted to hide the shame and maintain self-esteem. Anger, depression, exaggerated pride, anxiety and helplessness are substituted to keep from feeling the total blackness of being bad. The buried shame is expressed through defense mechanisms that shield negative unconscious material from surfacing.

Anger responses are modeled and learned in some families. The anger response is more comfortable than feeling the shame for some individuals. Families where coercive and humiliating methods of discipline are used develop children who are shame prone. Behavior becomes driven by defenses that function to keep from feeling bad. Reality becomes distorted to further protect the self from poor self-esteem. The transfer of blame to someone else is an indicator of internal shame.

Children who live with constant hostility and criticism learn to defend against the bad feelings inside and externalize blame on others. External assignment of blame is a defense against shame. People who are super-critical have a heavy shame core inside. The focus is on finding fault outside yourself, but the mistake is never corrected. If the responsibility for blame can be fixed on someone else, the person may feel pride in getting off scot-free. The rigid thinking is "I'll be pure if I can make him wrong. It is not my problem. It is beyond my control. I just can't allow myself to feel bad inside, so I'll blame him."

The child who has been raised with criticism and parental anger may develop the shame/rage spiral. The shame/rage spiral consists of getting angry and raging when upset, then being ashamed and going into rage to avoid the shameful feelings, etc. The shame/rage spiral keeps others away and helps the person avoid intimacy where more pain and shame might be experienced.

Scheff's theory is that shame causes a breakdown of the integrated self. The bypassed, unacknowledged pain is not available to be looked at due to the mechanism of denial. Dissociation and repression of the bad feelings allow distance from the shame with a cover up of "I am not this needy. This is not I. I cannot feel this vulnerable." Tension is discharged partially through substitute emotions but the core of shame grows even bigger as the individual engages in unhealthy behavior.

Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others; he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice, bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame. Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their life.

Teaching Social SkillsBreaking Into the Cycle of Shame and Aggression

Teachers and therapists can help the aggressive child express the vulnerable part that has been hurt by others to break through the outer mask of toughness and defiance. The child who bullies really wants to be listened to and understood, but he does not know how to ask for it. He only knows that his intimidation affects others and he gets what he wants. The submissiveness of others gives him power that substitute for the love he craves. His rage helps him momentarily ventilate the unresolved hurt and shame inside.

Shame or the internal global belief of "I am bad." is thought to be the mechanism that keeps the child caught in acting out behavior. Shame blocks positive information from coming in. The child feels bad about his explosive outbursts that give him the attention that he cannot get from achievement and friendships. The aggressive child desires affection, but is afraid of being swallowed up and depleted by others. He has the mistaken belief that intimacy represents being controlled by others. He learns to substitute enjoyment of hurting others for friendship. It is paradoxical that his anger keeps intimacy away and denies that one thing that the person desires the mostto be loved. The ability to accept kindness and love from someone is a skill that the child has missed out on. The basic skill deficit of the antisocial child is trust of others.

Shame is the Shaper of Symptoms; But It is Also the Way Home

Shame is a fear-based internal state accompanied by feelings of being unworthy and unlovable with intense painful feelings of mortification. Shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. It keeps us caught in fear of being found out by others. The perceived deficit is so humiliating that the person goes to all lengths to hide the flawed self.

Patterns of dysfunctional behavior in a person's life usually indicate a strong internal shame core. Lack of intimacy and connection to others indicates a lack of trust. Repressed shame and guilt cause a lack of trust of others and a deep breach or separation from others and the real self.

At some point in an individual's life, the old defenses no longer work. Shame comes up big time. The person's life crashes around him. Hitting bottom may prompt him to seek psychological help. One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of ourselves that is incongruent without deepest values and understand of what it means to be human from a soul level. The anxiety around the painful past must be entered into and moved through.

Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling must be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. The original feelings must be re-experienced and reframed to allow the shift of the shame energy.

The motivated person can learn to become a detective on his own emotions and behavior. He can learn detachment and become an observer of his own internal state of shame choosing not to shut down the painful feelings but to stay present and learn from them.

The release of the deep feelings of vulnerability, fear and humiliation is best done in an altered state of consciousness. The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's predicament is a shifter of shame energies.

Understanding how shame works helps release it. The cleaning out of the global belief of "I am bad." takes time and exploration but it can be done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love.

The way back from shame is a therapeutic relationship where trust can be developed. With caring adults, the child can disclose those all encompassing feelings of shame. He or she can be helped to understand that sham can be released, as it is not a productive emotion. With imaging techniques, hypnosis and the new Energy Psychotherapies, feelings of shame can be erased.

We are more than our physical body. We are much, much more than our painful emotions. We are essence longing to return to our true self. The core negative beliefs of "I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." can be worked though. When shame release work is combined in therapy with learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self-esteem zooms upward.

The paradox of the base emotions of guilt and shame keep the person from knowing that he is love and yet the solution in releasing them is to get to the place of knowing "I am love." The deep understanding is that no one can truly be harmed. The integrity of the individual can be brought forward to give a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame.

Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself can negate those global beliefs of unworthiness. Touching into the higher aspects of oneself can elevate the person to knowing that he is worthy of being loved. No easy task, but there it is.

School Violence Explained: Table of Contents

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