"YOU OWE ME!"CHILDREN OF ENTITLEMENT

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., ©2001

"I want ___," "Give it to me ___," "Buy me ___" seem to be the constant demand of some children. Some children feel owed or entitled to get their way. While it is normal for a child to ask for what he wants, some children are overly demanding and needy. They have not learned to balance taking from others with giving; they view other people as existing merely to give to them.

For some children, this is a stage that they go through and grow out of. For example, two year olds constantly seek and explore the environment. Demanding that their needs be met is one of the ways that two year olds develop independence. Another phase comes up during adolescence. Teenagers are notoriously known for requiring the best of everything. Rampant materialism appears to be the middle name for some young people during the teen yearsit is a stage that some young people go though.

Another event that may cause a child to engage in more entitlement behavior is divorce. The child may react to family stress and loss by becoming more demanding. He may feel pulled between the two parents and play one against the other to gain presents and special privileges. The parent who feels guilty may unwitting play into the child's materialism by "buying" the child's favor through giving gifts or exciting outings. So selfish behavior can be a stage or set up by events in the child's life. However if it is not checked or outgrown, it can become a lifelong pattern of getting everything for himself.

Some children have a personality trait of selfishness and feeling owed. The demanding child often focuses on issues of "It's not fair." He feels on an unconscious level that what happened to him was not fair. And, in a sense, he is "owed" because he missed out on basic nurturing, love, limits and structure. When early dependency needs were not provided, the child feels a sense of loss and shame that manifests itself in being angry. This child may go through life angrily trying to get others to make up for what his parents did not provide.

The type of child may react continuously to perceived small injustices in daily life. In effect, he is saying to other people, "You owe me. Pay up!" He can't get what he wants from his parents so he tries to get it from other people. Symbolically, continual anger can be a covert statement to his parents, "It is not fair. Give me my basic needs. Pay attention to me or I will blow up." Yet the sad part is that no matter how much is given to him it is as if he has a hole inside that can never be filled.

The child who feels owed often has limited skills and tools to interact with people and sets up demands that cause others to distance themselves from him. His defenses prevent him from gaining acceptance and friendships from others in acceptable ways. He learns to substitute anger, cruelty to others, addictive substances, workaholic behavior or material objects to fill his neediness. Behavior that focuses primarily negative ways of getting the needs of the self-met without regard to others is called narcissistic.

Causes of Narcissistic Behavior

The roots of this problem may be due to a combination of stresses of nature and nurture. There may be neurological involvement due to genetics or an injury to the brain. And some aspects of our culture encourages young people to get all that they can and do what they need to do to feel good at the expense of others. As the disparity between the "haves and have-nots" increases, some young people turn their entitlement to anger and violence.

How the child is raised makes a difference in how he views himself and others. The child with narcissistic behavior may not have had his basic needs met when he was young. The mother may not have had the capacity to support the ego-emerging aspects of the child. She may not have been available either emotionally or physically during this important developmental period of his life. Around the age of two, children learn to separate from their mother and develop an independent sense of self. Deprivation of the child's needs during the period of his life can result in ego fixation and developmental arrest.

Selfish behavior can be learned. The child may have witnessed one of his parents displaying a pattern of domination and selfishness while the other parent gave in much of the time. The child learns to expect others to meet his needs as modeled by the dominant parent whom he perceives as powerful.

Children who have experienced early physical and sexual trauma including neglect and rejection may develop narcissistic defenses to deal with their early pain. Spoiled and overindulged children sometimes are at risk for the narcissistic behavior pattern of wanting to control others. Children who are required to live up to high parental expectation of being charming, talented, intelligent, beautiful so that the parent's self esteem can be enhanced are also at risk. This is particularly true when the parent is disappointed and rejecting when the child does not live up to their expectations.

Defenses Against Shame

Narcissistic behavior is a defense against internal negative feelings. The original self has become fractured. The results of the fractured self is a way of interacting to keep himself from feeling. The real self of the child was shut down in early life due to trauma or parent's over involvement with their own needs. The child forms a false sense of self to help avoid depression, abandonment and the all-encompassing shame. His defenses of neediness and selfishness keep the child from feeling vulnerable and unworthy. The entitlement defense helps keep the child from his internal global belief of "I am bad" that may have developed when he felt parental rejection and feared abandonment early in life. His secret belief is that "I must be really bad or my parents would have loved me." He avoids remembering early painful experiences of hurt and shame.

John Masterson described the narcissistic wound as being so great that the individual cannot even consider the balm to provide the healing. This form of denial and rigid thinking is one of the hardest defenses to break into. The child continually seeks self-gratification to pursue relief from shame. These unquenchable demands are the result of arrested growth. The depth of these defenses is the depth of the trauma. When the child is stressed or threatened, he engages in more of self-serving behavior.

Therapeutic Goals to Reduce the Distorted Thinking

The therapist must be emotionally neutral when correcting the child. If you become upset or distance yourself from the child, you may be caught in anger counter transference issues of your own. In confrontation, the child's narcissistic injury is exposed and he escapes into his own defensiveness to reduce his feelings of shame. He will try to engage you in power struggles; this is merely his running his symptom of trying to win at all costs. Ignore all entitlement statements of "I needs to win." basis. Focus on identifying the child's vulnerability and gently link it back to his defenses. If you are successful he will be able to take what you say in rather than going into the narcissistic posturing.

Bring the child's attention to his denied feelings and self-destructive behavior. Break into and challenge his thinking by asking him questions that interrupt winning the power struggle. Give him choices whenever possible. Bring him back to the feeling level repeatedly. Interrupt his defenses and ask him to feel. When that makes him angry, ask him to look at his defenses. Help the child to see that his anger does not get him what he wants. Challenge him to find the hurt underneath the anger, going back to his vulnerability. Help him develop his ego strength by taking control of his own emotions and actions.

You can help the child find his Observer Part so that he can step back and watch himself. He can learn to see how his angry thoughts and behaviors take him away from the things he longs for the mostlove and acceptance. Becoming a detective on his own behavior can give him distance from the painful internal feelings. The child will benefit from social skill training in these areas to make up for his deficits in thinking and behavior:

_ Learning to follow directions and take in information instead of going to instant debate


_ Delaying gratification and learning to inhibit impulsive actions


_ Learning to state boundaries and allow others their boundaries


_ Dealing with frustrations in socially acceptable way


_ Reducing the egocentric view and learn altruistic behaviors (helping others) to gain self-esteem.


_ Reinforcing his own self when behavior is appropriate


_ Becoming his own coach and cheerleader for making good choices


_ Viewing others with empathy and seeing things from their point of view


_ Develop a healthy type of narcissism based on the balance between giving and receiving

Adult Cues to Break Into Statements of Entitlement

Say these statements as musings rather than as lecturing. Say the statement then back away; go back and say another statement later on. Any sense of your knowing what is best for the child will make the child back away. These interpretation statements are inserts to get the child to think on his or her own. The best tactic is to say the correctional response then change the subject. These phrases, which can be repeated again and again in neutral ways using different language, help put positive messages in the child about his egocentric behavior.

You feel that your needs aren't being met. I wonder why you need to get angry when that doesn't get you what you want? Does going to time out make you happy? What is another choice you could make instead of insisting that you get your way?

Maybe you get angry to avoid feeling the bad feelings inside. You could make a different choice. You could look at your anger and learn better ways to take care of it.

This is not a big deal. Big deals are parents screaming you or hitting you, leaving you or your becoming anxious when parents fight. Little deals are not getting your own way. You don't have to get angry over little deals. What could you tell yourself to let this go so you could feel happy? You could say "No Biggee" and let it go.

It is sad to see a smart person like you making yourself so angry all the time. Some people talk about feelings so they don't have to get angry so much. Hmmm. I wonder if you could do that?

You feel so good when people buy you things. That's one way to feel good. A better way is to do things that you are proud of like helping others. Helping others is a permanent way to increase self-esteem.

You get angry when I don't give you what you want. How does not getting your way hurt you? That's life. Learning that you don't always get what you want. Tell yourself, "I don't always get my way. That's how it is. I don't have to get mad."

When someone doesn't respond to you the way that you want, you become angry. You are smart enough to make a better choice. Tell yourself, "I can feel good even though I don't get my way."

It is so painful for you to look at yourself. I wonder why you want to argue instead of doing things that would make you happy?

Yes, it is hard to talk about feelings at first. It does feel uncomfortable inside at first. Then you get used to it just like riding
a bicycle is hard at first. The uncomfortable feelings go away and you feel good. When you learn to talk your feelings, you won't have to get angry all the time.

You used to take care of the bad feelings inside by insisting that you get your own way. That doesn't work anymore. What can you do now instead of blowing up?

I'm curious why you think it must go your way. Lets find the hurt underneath the anger. Look for the hurt feelings. Tell me about a time when someone hurt you.

Maybe someone hurt you a long time ago when you were little. Maybe you could start to talk about the old hurts. Then you could feel good inside again. I really want you to feel good inside. The only way to feel good inside is to talk about the hurt and go through it.

I hear you when you say "I want this, I want that." And I love you enough to say no some of the time. Life is giving and receivinggetting a balance. Give and take, take and give. I've noticed how good you feel when you give others a hand.

The Good News

Gimmee behaviors may be a stage in a child's life as they attempt to even the score. Like a pendulum swinging from one end to the other, the child who has been hurt or had less may demand more from adults around him. Therefore, it's best to view narcissistic behavior as temporary as a developmental stage where the child is trying to balance out his life by egocentric behavior. The self-involvement of two yearolds and teens may be a necessary part of their development in their trying to sort out whom they are. Self-centeredness is a natural stage of growing up and part of the necessary pulling away from the family to find their own identity.

Keep seeing the child as growing, evolving and seeking his true self. See the best in him and reinforce the behaviors that are age appropriate. Keep stressing that he can be happier once he learns to get his negative emotions out and under control. Hopefully with love and firm limits, the behaviors will play their course and the child will even out and balance his needs for getting from others with giving. Teach him altruistic ways of helping others as an antidote to his gimmees. Reflect the beauty that is within him, showing him that he is more than his neediness. Being filled up with a sense of self, the child no longer needs to demand so much from others and the narcissistic defenses lessen.

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