FUZZY THINKING: REALITY DISTORTION AND COMMON ERRORS IN THINKING

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., © 2001

Certain errors of thinking keep the child who has been wounded by the cruelty of others caught in irrational ways of thinking. This faulty thinking, which set him up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment, is called cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortions are a set of defense mechanisms of seeing the world as unsafe. Some or all of these errors in thinking are present in some degree in children who have a deep inner sense of shame:

Reality distortion and Inability to See and Hear What is Real: The child sees situations through his own sense of woundedness and neediness. John Masterson, an expert in the field of personality disorders, calls this distortion having a Swiss cheese brain with holes where the ego strengths (common sense) should be. The child cannot always hear what you say because he is constantly in a state of neediness and fear of being vulnerable. He cannot risk trying new situations that might offer the opportunities to learn new skills. His internal shame and fears of being found cause a selective lens of which to look through.

Entitlement and Self-Involvement: The child has his antenna out looking for life's injustices that he then must whine and complain about. He constantly says, "But that is not fair" and resists learning that life is indeed not fair, but it the long run it evens out somehow. He keeps score with a scorecard that can never be balanced. He can't see events realistically so always believes he gets the short end of the stick. This intense need to look out for himself and complain loudly takes up a great deal of energy and he misses learning basic social skills of getting along with others. His playmates tolerate him if he has other personality characteristics that are valued by children such as creativity or a sense of adventure. If not, they view him as spoiled and a whiner.

Inability to Take Criticism: The child is thin skinned and must defend himself from hearing both constructive criticism and reprimands. The ability to take feedback is a major tool for growth and expansion. Children need feedback, both positive and negative, to shape their behavior and grow in maturity. If they become defensive to keep from bringing up the ever-present feelings of shame, they cut our valuable learning experiences. Both adult and peer constructive criticisms are necessary in becoming a mature individual.

Externalization of Blame: The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling vulnerable by blaming others. Taking responsibility for behavior cannot puncture the fragile self-esteem. His script is "Do not expose me to those intolerable feelings inside. I can't handle it."

Mood Switching: The child's fractured self is caught in mood swings. She may go back and forth between "I'll be good" and pouting or outrage because she isn't getting what she wants. She becomes angry when threatened with not getting her own way. There is a paramount fear of being hurt and rejected coupled with denial of need and clinging to the adult. Anger becomes as a way of trying to avoid abandonment and depression.

Poor Impulse Control and Frustration Tolerance: The child is highly reactive to outside stimuli that seem to threaten his sense of self and cannot delay gratification. He wants things NOW! He can be highly irritable and becomes upset over numerous small things with the attitude of "I want what I want when I want it!" He can become stuck in repeating his defensive demands that turn others away: "Take care of me. I'm needy. I'm special. Do for me what others have not done for me. What have you done for me lately? Give me everything I ask for or you don't love me."


Poor Ego Boundaries and Need for Control: The child cannot view things from any other perspective other than his own. He is so caught in his own neediness that he cannot feel empathy for others. He does not have the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes. He views others as objects to be used for his personal gratification.

Denial of Uncomfortable Feelings: The child keeps the focus on what he wants not how he feels. His constant demanding keeps him from feeling the pain inside. Denial of feelings is a major defense against keeping the hurt and shame away. He turns the tables around by trying to make others wrong for not giving him what he feels entitled to. You may hear him say, "I don't have to talk about feelings. I don't have bad feelings. I don't want to do any psychological work. I will make up schemes and only do what it takes to make me to feel good. I have to feel good at all costs!"

Frequent Anger and Rage: The child substitutes anger and tantrums as a way of keeping her uncomfortable feelings from being experienced. She becomes a master of rationalization and justification of her explosive actions: "If I don't get my way, then I have the right to get angry." Suicidal threats from some children can be an extension of the distorted thinking "Stick `em up and give me what I want or I will kill myself!" Homicidal threats are an extreme form of the entitlement attitude. The child essentially says, "I've been wounded and hurt, so I now have the right to kill others."

Need for Admiration: The child erroneously believes that he is special and should be given special privileges. In effect he says, "Give me perfect empathy. I deserve the biggest piece, the whole pie. Tell me how wonderful I am, so I can ignore the pain inside. Don't poke my self-protective bubble." This need to be seen as special is so great that he cannot take in other information.

Grandiosity and Fantasy: The child spins grandiose fantasies to cover up the internal wounds of his fractured self. He sets up elaborate fantasy schemes of winning, becoming powerful or gaining revenge for injustice. Daydreams of becoming rich and famous without talent or hard work are common. Ideas of revenge and feeling justified about revenge, then become a twisted attempt to gain self-esteem.

Idealization and Devaluation of Teachers or Friends: The child will make you feel that you are wonderful and special as long as you humor her. "As long as you give me what I want, you are the ideal person for me. If I bask in the wonderfulness of you, I don't have to look at my own pain." There is generally a honeymoon period until you ask her to be responsible for her own actions. Then you, like everyone else, will fall from grace. "You are bad if you don't let me win."

Bullying Others: The child who has been hurt internalizes the aggressive behaviors of the ones that were cruel to him and begins to bully others. The narcissistic wound caused by the trauma is then played out on others with teasing, taunting and physically hurting others. Freud called this the "Repetition Compulsion"the child repeats what has negatively been done to him with younger and more helpless children as an infantile attempt to get help for himself.

School Violence Explained: Table of Contents

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