THE "RIGHT WOMAN OR MAN THEORY--
"THE "I NEED TO BE RIGHT" WAY OF THINKING

Lynne Namka, Ed. D., © 1997

One of life's biggest set ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the only way. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! It's like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on "It so because I think it is so." People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right for living a happy life. Living daily always on the defense being in charge of the rights and wrongs of the Universe is no fun!

Wanting and insisting on getting your own way is a set up for unhappiness. Rigidity in thinking leads to power struggles or submission from others and distancing. As Andre' Maurois said, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us in a rage." People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and behaviors that insist on getting their own way. They have a strong case of the "shoulds" and "musts" for others. They believe that there is a certain way that others should act and become angry when their expectations are not met. They need to be seen as good, innocent and superior in their knowledge and how things should be done.

A closed system is one that keeps new information out to protect the status quo. Closed systems do not stretch because no new feedback is allowed in. The feedback loop continues the same way of thinking precluding change and growth. The person who needs to be right all of the time is a closed system big time! The person in control of the system cannot allow his ideas to be challenged so shuts down input from others. People in closed systems are rarely happy. Unfortunately, the need to be right is accompanied with a rigid stance and anger. Others distance from them and they cannot experience intimacy and connection. They cannot understand why their partner is so angry with themtheir rationale is that the partner should just change!

The ego always acts to preserve the sense of well-being and sets up defenses to avoid feeling fragmented. Turning the problem around and blaming the other person is a defense that reduces inner tension. Putting the problem outside ones self brings up feelings of self-righteousness. The unwanted parts of the self are projected outward on others as an ego defense against internal feeling of anxiety that conflict brings up. In severe cases, reality is distorted, aspects of memory forgotten and fantasy created. The person assumes that others are out to do them in. Defenses protect the person's sense of well-being. Defenses keep the pseudo self-worth that has been built on self righteous beliefs from plummeting.

People who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied imagined shortcomings and perceived attacks form the other person. They often feel betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and will use of anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Life becomes miserable for the family because it is fear based.

It's part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be right and consequent defensiveness permeates one's life, the less connected you will be with others. It's sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others:

_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way
_____ An inability to say, "I don't know." and "I was wrong."
_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Believe that others who disagree with you should "just get over it"
_____ Use anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments

Fear is the major dynamic operating in this condition. People who have the need to be right usually are very strong and are not usually afraid of the most common fears of physical pain, heights, snakes, public speaking, etc. Their hidden fear is feeling vulnerable, emotional and out of control. They have a low tolerance for emotional pain. They use the sense of being right as a narcotic for unruly feelings. They feel threatened when other people bring up a differing point of viewthis is the fear of being wrong. Freud called this dynamic "omnipotence of thought" and considered it a psychological defense to avoid inner anxiety and a sense of becoming fragmented when there is disagreement.

Uncomfortable emotions are repressed so that they do not have to be known and experienced. People who cannot feel and express emotions are called repressors in the psychological literature. Repressing of the negative emotions is more likely to be found in teen age boys and men and may be related to high levels of testosterone, the male hormone.

The AntidoteYou Can Learn to Feel Your Feelings and Give Up Your Need to be in Control

What are feelings? They are emotions such as sad, mad, glad, bad, scad (Southern for scared), disappointed, hurt, fearful, etc. Feelings are only feelings. They come and go. They are meant to be felt. That is why we call them feelings. As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You do not have to be afraid of feelings. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them. Label them. Call them by name: "Hey, I'm feeling sad and hurt right now!"

As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your logical, rational side making you a full functioning human being. You open the way so that others feel comfortable in approaching you.

As you learn to deal with anxious feelings that challenges by others brings up, you become more self-sufficient. You can learn to self soothe that anxiety instead of reacting to others with defensiveness and anger. You can learn to substitute feeling good about finding an area of yourself where you can grow instead of becoming anxious and resorting to old needs to prove that you are right.

As you relinquish disappointment and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness. Ask yourself, "Do I want to right or do I want to be happy?"

As you dismiss the belief of "I have to be need to be safe through having it my way," you have more self understanding. Life becomes an exercise in taking responsibility for your part in conflict. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth. Self esteem increases when you face your deepest fear that you might be wrong.

As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability that does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increasethere will be more adventures in your life.

As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!

As you learn anger resolution and safe anger expression skills, self-esteem improves. Learn skills and tools to deal with your anger. Anger skills can be learned just as any other topic. Take an anger management or conflict resolution course to learn constructive ways to deal with anger.

The Recipe for a Full, Happy Life

Having the defense of always being right and trying to be in control creates distance with others. What we all want down deep when we strip away the defenses of control is to be loved. We want to feel safe. The fear of losing control and resulting hostility is always a sign of needing the experience of deeply being loved but it is skewed in how to go about it. Alas, it is a search for love being armed with tools for war.

A whole set of tools are needed to help deal with feelings in building a whole, healthy human being. You become more secure and are less upset as you understand that things don't always have go the way you want. Life becomes less threatening as you understand that feelings are only feelings and uncomfortable states of emotions can be endured and regulated. Learning to deal with vulnerable feelings will help you become a more well rounded individual going from "I need to be right" to "I choose to be a real person, uncomfortable feelings and all."

As a wise woman said, "We are as happy as we are able to be responsible for our own feelings and behavior." The superior man or woman is always open to consider that there may be another reality other than the one that they see through the lens of their life. Putting down the tools of war and picking up the tools of communication, conflict resolution and connection can create a life that produces long lasting love.