Social Skills
And Positive Mental Health
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © l997
Childhood should be a time for free, spontaneous
expression. Good mental health is important for our children
to succeed. They deserve to learn all the tasks that will allow
them to develop friendships and loving alliances with others.
They deserve fit and willing teachers and parents who can help
them learn the skills to deal with our complex world.
"Don't talk, don't trust and don't feel!" are the three
classic rules that are taught by families in dysfunctional
homes according to Claudia Black, a nationally known writer
in the addiction field. "Keep quiet, shut down and don't ever,
ever rock the boat" are messages many children grow up with.
Families with dysfunctional behavior have the rule of keeping
things secret to protect the family against criticism from
others.
This message of secrecy results in a shut down of spontaneity
in the young child. The child who has been physically or sexually
abused grows up with deep shame about himself and his family.
When parents are excessively critical, shame is a powerful
emotion that hammers in the nails of the coffin of poor self-esteem
in children as young as two or three years of age. Even in
happy families, often there is an unwritten rule about not
expressing negative feelings. The result of this is individuals
who grow up not in touch with their feeling. They often use
ineffective means of coping with stress, turn to alcohol and
drugs to squelch negative feelings or turn the unexpressed
feelings into physical body symptoms.
There are very few effective role models of how to express
negative emotions appropriately. Who among us is comfortable
about expressing dismay, disgust and anger in appropriate
ways? We all have strong messages about how wonderful the
positive emotions are. Most people cannot deal with strong
expression of anger, frustration, sadness, fear or guilt because
of their own internal rules about how wrong it is to feel
these feelings let alone express them. At this point in our
society, most people have not learned the skills of expressing
negative feelings in a comfortable manner.
The most common patterns of coping with threat and stress
in unhealthy families are anger, blaming the other person,
submissiveness, distractable, hyperactive behavior or withdrawing
and ignoring the problem. These coping patterns are passed
down from parent to child resulting in generations of dysfunctional
behavior. Coping styles that were learned as children to keep
the family isolated and safe do not work in adult life. To
continue to live these rules as an adult is to continue to
live in considerable pain.
Yet our knowledge base about living healthy lives is changing.
Information about the ways to express ourselves in healthy
ways is coming in from many fronts. Psychology, education
and the addictions field offer hope for change to new means
of expression. Family systems theory and research on children's
friendship give new ideas for helping children feel good about
themselves. The concept of teaching social skills is drawn
from learning theory and child development theory. Social
skill training complements play or family therapy teaching
positive ways to get along with others.
These are new times. New times require new ways of reaching
and supporting children. Our products are designed to address
the issues facing today's children. Our curriculums can help
you:
- 1. Teach children positive social skills and provide them
with skill training to cope with their negative emotional
states and deal with the problems and stressors that they
face daily.
- 2. Create a supportive milieu in the class, school and
community so that children reinforce each other for positive
behavior. Teach children to care for and support each other
during stressful times.
- 3. Reach more children by concentrating part of your
time using a large group format with curriculums based on
what does work to turn angry young people
around.
Social Skills Help People Cope With The Problems
Of Life
Socialization is the child's ability to relate positively
to people in society in a manner appropriate to his or her age.
Prosocial skills give the child viable tools giving power over
his emotions and make good choices about his behavior. These
tools open up the number of choices that the child has available.
Children who have a larger number of alternative skills to draw
from have more self confidence in handling stressful situations.
Play is an integral part of growing up and is based on skills.
Play offers the child an opportunity to learn to deal with
the adult world. Play helps stimulate the neurons at the synapse
level to strengthen brain function. In play, children learn
to express their emotions and put curbs on their impulsiveness.
They learn to regulate behavior and emotions as called for
by the rules of the social setting. Children use play to distinguish
between real and imaginary situations through games of "Let's
pretend." They use play-fighting to practice skills of physical
contact and competition. Most children naturally learn to
read facial gestures and other nonverbal communication so
that they can respond with the appropriate skill required
of the situation.
A recent survey showed that many people feel inadequate
in dealing with social situations. The ability to get along
in the world has been analyzed showing many skills that are
built over a lifetime. The early skills are mostly nonverbal
such as eye contact, facial expression, body language and
engaging others in social interaction. Social skills are reciprocal.
The basic building blocks for development of more complex
behavior begin with the mother. The tiny baby learns to develop
eye contact, smile responsively and look away to terminate
contact with the other person. These early skills draw adults
to the infant so that his needs can be met. He learns to imitate
adult actions and initiate play with toys. Later the verbal
skills of communication are learned and other prerequisite
skills for playing with peers.
Some children do not learn the covert skills of social interaction
naturally, due to some neurological impairment or due to learned
dysfunctional behaviors that have been modeled in the home.
They become locked into negative coping patterns of dealing
with stressful situations that bring them more stress.
Children from dysfunctional families do not have positive
skills modeled for them. They grow up learning to use manipulation,
addictive behavior and violence as a way to cope with stress.
Other children do not learn skills of social interaction naturally
due to some neurological impairment. The rigidity of thinking
associated with neurological impairment causes the child to
become locked into negative coping patterns of dealing with
stressful situations that bring him more stress.
Children who have a sense of loss of personal control may
turn to peer groups that foster hate and lashing out at those
individuals who are perceived to be different. Children who
are adept at positive social interactions feel more in control
of their lives decreasing their need to join radical fringe
groups that promote crime and racial intolerance. Children
who are disliked by others do not form bonds with others.
Not having satisfying friendships, they often turn to antisocial
behavior seeking activities that are stimulating to them.
Children without friends often resort to alcohol and drug
use and engage in gang behavior. Children who do not have
a wide range of positive social skills to draw from to deal
with stress become disconnected from positive values, high
standards for one's behavior and responsibility. They feel
alienated from the higher concepts of respect for others,
democracy. They may turn off to school activities and turn
to the more exciting life of the street.
Children and families who receive training in behavior management
and communication learn positive ways of speaking to each
other. They develop more effective ways of dealing with daily
stressors and strains. Children are adept in picking up new
ways of thinking and acting and learning tools to help them
deal with conflict and negative emotions. Children as young
as two years of age can be taught to "Use your words" when
they are unhappy about something. They can learn to express
anger in healthy ways instead of acting it out or bottling
it up.
Social skill training offers tools and techniques for individuals
to use to become happier human beings. Family members can
learn to use feeling words when upset. They can learn to approach
conflict with problem solving. Learning to communicate well
and use I Messages such as "I feel angry, when you ___" becomes
a priority for those families who want to live a healthy,
happy life. Social skills are positive abilities that help
the child to interact with others in different situations
in ways that are valued. Social skills are those actions which
are acceptable by society and are beneficial both to the person
and to others.
Teach Children--Don't Label Them!
Labels! Hyperactive, bad, lazy, troublemaker, delinquent!
Many children grow up in systems that label them in negative
ways. Labeling a child is a way of subtly blaming the victim.
Labeling is definitive; once we say it, then it holds meaning.
The danger of labels is that children tend to believe what is
said about them and live up to that negative expectation. Negative
labels keep children caught in negative behavior. Labeling what
we do not know how to deal with is victimization. Labeling can
be a subtle means of trying to control the child. Yet, at one
time, resorting to labels was what was accepted for discipline.
Now we are seeing different ways of working with children--teaching
children positive ways to act.
As the poster says, "Label jelly jars, not kids!"
Teach Social Skills To Prevent Problems of
Violence
Social skills are easy to teach. Children learn to reconnect
with the positive values of treating each other with respect
and taking responsibility for their own behavior. A classroom
program changes the entire climate to a positive way of thinking--
Let's help each other and include everyone in our play groups.
Activities that emphasize flexibility of thinking and seeing
things from another person's perspective help children break
into rigid ways of seeing people thus decreasing prejudicial
thinking. Young people appreciate play activities which give
them alternatives to locked-in dysfunctional ways of thinking
and acting. They participate with enthusiasm in curriculums
which provide fun activities which demonstrate respect for others
and better ways to live.
The steps to teaching social skills are similar to teaching
academic subjects except that play and group activities and
discussion plays a stronger role.
- Identify the skill that needs to be learned.
- Introduce the skill through discussion and modeling of
the desired response.
- Give the rule and alternatives to the rule.
- Cue the child what to say and do regarding the new skill.
- Have the child cue himself through self talk.
- Provide practice of the skill through modeling, games,
puppet and doll play, and role playing.
- Reinforce the new skill during practice.
- Teach the child to reinforce himself using self talk for
using the skill. (Feel good about using the skill!)
- Provide opportunities for generalization and reinforcement
of the skill in daily play.
A Twenty Minute Investment a Day
Children who talk about their feelings are less likely to
turn to alcohol or drugs or join gangs. Social Skills Training
groups help children learn to share feelings, stand up for themselves
and develop effective ways of coping with conflict. Some of
the skills that can be taught and reinforced in group settings
are eye contact, smiling, taking turns, listening to others,
inhibiting behaviors that threaten others, following directions,
sharing uncomfortable feelings, stopping sarcasm and egging
others on. Some of the higher level skills are resolving conflict,
listening with empathy when pain and hurt are described, giving
support and encouragement and creative problem solving.
Social skills training gives children a bigger bag of tricks
from which to choose. Children can learn techniques to deal
with threat and their anger. The habitually angry child can
change his perceptual distortions of seeing hostility and
threat when there is none. He can learn to master the skills
of stating feelings and staying centered during other people's
outbursts of anger and refrain from lashing out at others.
Focusing on choices will give him the time to move into logical
problem solving. Self-angering thoughts can be challenged
and interrupted to inhibit impulsive behavior.
Social skill training complements other therapeutic modes
of intervention such as family therapy, play and art therapy
and psychodynamic methods of therapy. Social competence requires
that we learn to feel our emotions, talk about them and make
responsible behavior choices that are respectful of others
and ourselves. When children learn to feel and talk their
feelings, then they can learn to trust others.
Twenty minutes a day spent in your teaching social skills
can make a difference in how the children treat each other!
Aggressive behaviors during school and at home decrease when
these skills of expressing themselves in positive ways are
taught to children. Social skills are fun to teach because
we feel good about ourselves when sharing them with children.
We learn what we teach. What we teach we learn! Sometimes
we even teach to learn! Teaching positive skills to children
and seeing the difference it makes in their lives can be one
of the most rewarding parts of our job that we therapists
or teachers have.
For ideas and activities on how to teach children social
skills, see our Talk,
Trust and Feel Catalog
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