Shame
The Disowned Part of the Self
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © l997
Quick! Think of the most embarrassing experience
of your life. Or a time when you were drastically humiliated
and ridiculed by someone. How do you feel remembering these
events? Could you call forth the feelings or did you numb out
quickly? Did you feel anguish looking back or could you toss
the event off with laughter? The amount of emotional pain that
you felt is related to stuck energy around old feelings of shame.
Talk about an unsolved mystery! How does this emotion of shame
get such a hold on you?
Shame is a fear-based internal state being, accompanied
by beliefs of being unworthy and basically unlovable. Shame
is a primary emotion that conjures up brief, intense painful
feelings and a fundamental sense of inadequacy. Shame experiences
bring forth beliefs of "I am a failure" and "I am bad" which
are a threat to the integrity of the self. This perceived
deficit of being bad is so humiliating and disgraceful that
there is a need to protect and hide the flawed self from others.
Fears of being vulnerable, found out, exposed and further
humiliated are paramount. Feelings of shame shut people down
so that they can distance from the internal painful state
of hopelessness.
Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real
or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where
there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the
child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with
the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal
from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions.
On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable" develops and
a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these
experiences as happening before the child develops language
and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being
loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal.
Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust
of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior.
Shame and Guilt
Children often feel guilty as well as ashamed. Guilt is
an emotion that rises after a transgression of one's own or
cultural values. Guilt is about actions; shame is about the
self. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates
a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses
or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed
in regret and remorse. Guilt can be tied to perfectionism and
setting goals either too high or too low. Engaging in behavior
that causes one to feel guilty can lead to deep shame.
The typical shame response is a heightened degree of arousal
and self consciousness. The person in emotional pain averts
his eyes and his head goes down. New information is blocked.
There is intense discomfort and muscular tension. The body
collapses inward to protect the self and there is a shrinking
of body energy. The skin may become flushed with embarrassment.
There are feelings of inadequacy and the fear of self exposure.
The person wants to shrink, hide or even die to get away from
the painful feelings of mortification. These feelings are
so excruciating that the child wants to avoid them at all
costs.
Causes of Shame
Adult-induced causes of shame involve betrayal by others
and a broken trust through disapproval or humiliation. Parental
withdrawal and rejection shown by looks of contempt cause instantaneous
shame reactions in children. A child who believes that his parents
favor a sibling often believe that there is something basically
wrong with him or he would be the chosen child. Shame also occurs
when the parents have high standards of behavior and react with
anger or embarrassment when the child does not live up to expectations.
Punishment for failure and humiliation over the child's expression
of vulnerability, distress, crying or pain typically create
shame. Criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule further reinforce
the child's beliefs of unworthiness. Harsh parental discipline
of a coercive nature create fears of abandonment in the child.
The trauma of physical abuse imprints feelings of being devalued
in the child. Empathetic shame happens when the child internalizes
humiliation and shame reactions of other people. Sexual abuse
typically causes the child to feel dirty and bad and he often
absorbs the shame of the adult who committed the offense.
Other types of shame are self induced around events of morally
inappropriate behavior and public exposure. It is not what
happened to the person but how it is interpreted by the self
and others that makes the difference. Excesses of worry about
what others may think of him add to the discomfort and the
wish to hide. This category of fear of self exposure includes:
- Sexual feelings and actions.
- Impulsive aggressive behavior that is against public standards.
- Issues around bathroom functions, body odors and cleanliness.
- Failure of a task or doing poorly when performing before
an audience.
- Humiliation and ridicule by peers.
- Class, social status or racial inequality--being looked
down upon by others.
- Being different or one's parents being different from
others--clothes, body size, or physical differences.
- Doing something or saying something that might hurt another
person's feelings.
Shame Equals the Global Inner Belief of "I Am
Bad."
Energy has to go somewhere. Negative feelings and thoughts
are energy. If the powerful feelings are not discharged, they
are stored in the body. They may be denied and forgotten, but
they remain as a negative force and the person goes through
life with a nagging belief of not measuring up. When there are
many unresolved experiences of shame in a child's life, the
self evaluation becomes global. The child has a core belief
of "All of me is bad." The child with a large amount of shame
who makes a mistake does not make a specific attribution regarding
an event such as "I did this. It was wrong and I can correct
it" but goes automatically to feelings of unworthiness. The
child then substitutes another emotion or numbs himself to avoid
feeling the shame further stamping in the belief of being inadequate
and helpless.
Scheff's theory is that shame causes a breakdown of the
integrated self. The bypassed, unacknowledged pain is not
available to be looked at due to the mechanism of denial.
Dissociation and repression of the bad feelings allow distance
from the shame with a cover up of "I am not this needy. This
is not me. I cannot feel this vulnerable." Tension is discharged
partially through substitute emotions but the core of shame
grows even bigger as the individual engages in unhealthy behavior.
Shame-Driven Behavior
"Shame is the shaper of symptoms," said Donald Nathanson.
The unacknowledged thoughts and feelings become repressed and
surface later through substitute emotions and dysfunctional
behavior. Other emotions are substituted to hide the shame and
maintain self esteem. Anger, depression, exaggerated pride,
anxiety and helplessness are substituted to keep from feeling
the total blackness of being bad. The buried shame is expressed
through defense mechanisms that shield negative unconscious
material from surfacing.
Anger responses are modeled and learned in some families.
The anger response is more comfortable than feeling the shame
for some individuals. Families where coercive and humiliating
methods of discipline are used develop children who are shame
prone. Behavior become driven by defenses that function to
keep from feeling bad. Reality becomes distorted to further
protect the self from poor self esteem. The transfer of blame
to someone else is an indicator of internal shame.
Children who live with constant hostility and criticism
learn to defend against the bad feelings inside and externalize
blame on others. External assignment of blame is a defense
against shame. People who are super critical have a heavy
shame core inside. The focus is on finding fault outside yourself
but the mistake is never corrected. If the responsibility
for blame can be fixed on someone else, the person may feel
pride in getting off scot-free. The rigid thinking is I'll
be pure if I can make him wrong. It is not my problem. It
is beyond my control. I just can't allow myself to feel bad
inside, so I'll blame him."
The child who has been raised with criticism and parental
anger may develop the shame/rage spiral. The shame/rage spiral
consists of getting angry and raging when upset, then being
ashamed and going into rage to avoid the shameful feelings,
etc. The shame/rage spiral keeps others away and helps the
person avoid intimacy where more pain and shame might be experienced.
Shame and the Fear of Being Found Out
The shame-prone individual's biggest fear is for others
to find out how bad he really feels inside. There is denial
of vulnerability, avoidance of negative feelings that are perceived
as weak and an inability to be real. Macho behavior in men has
a deep shame core at its base. Men who are frightened of feelings
learn to wall others away through withdrawing, numbing their
feelings and intellectualizing. Other shame-driven behaviors
are acting out, depression, anxiety and compulsive behavior.
Some people are self deprecating and use submissive behavior
to avoid the shaming behaviors of others. Others turn to addictive
substances and activities to numb the emotional pain inside.
The dissociation disorders are based in shame with distortion
of reality and developing separate parts of the personality
to hide from the shame.
Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings
of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global
negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The narcissistic
individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others;
he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice,
bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms
that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame.
Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great
capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to
violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid
feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe
feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their
life.
Shame Busting
Acknowledging and Releasing the Belief of I Am Bad
The denial of shame and dysfunctional behavior acts to prevent
shame from surfacing by separating the self from the negative
feelings. Shame removal can be accomplished by reconnecting
with the original feeling of shame and learning to accept one's
self, warts and all. The affect must be expressed and internal
awareness gained. The child must feel very secure with an adult
for him to let his guard down and become less defended and rigid.
This can best be done with a loving, caring individual who accepts
the child as he is so that the broken trust can be regained.
In this process the person becomes an observer of his own
shame, accepts it and takes mastery over it.
- Bring the shame to a conscious level by recognizing where
it is located in the body.
- Feel the feelings. Describe the hurt, sadness, revenge
and embarrassment to break into numbed feelings. Own the
previously hidden feelings.
- Give the feelings verbal labels.
- Describe the original experience that caused the shame.
- Discuss the negative energy of the person who caused the
humiliation or rejection, etc. Explore this person's reasons
for cruelty as related to his own shame.
- Determine if any of the other person's shame was internalized.
Help the child to understand that it is not their shame
but someone else. Ask him to release it by visualizing throwing
away the other person's shame.
- Ask for the global belief (I am unworthy/bad/ unlovable.)
that defines the secret self.
- Make specific attributions (I did something wrong based
on my limited understanding at the time.)
- Find which negative emotions are substituted to keep from
feeling bad.
- Find the poor coping behaviors used to keep the global
belief away.
- Discuss the public exposure of failure. Admitting one's
faults reduces anxiety. Confession of "one's discretions"
in an atmosphere of safety reduces shame.
- Use laughter and pleasant emotions to reduce the tension.
The research shows that individuals have less hostility
if an irrelevant, pleasant experience happens at the same
time when recalling a traumatic event. Terrifying situations
may be defused more easily with humor. Laughter is an indicator
of good self esteem--that you feel good enough to laugh
about the unpleasant situation.
- Make a metaphor of the shame giving it color, form, shape
or an image.
- Using visualization of the metaphor, ask the client to
start to move the shame energy around. Have the child imagine
dissipating and releasing the shame.
- Ask for a new global belief to replace the "I am bad."
- Ask the child how he will be different in the future
with this new belief. Ask him to imagine seeing himself
acting differently in a situation of threat.
The cleaning out of the global "I am bad" belief takes time
and much exploration. This exercise may need to be repeated
many times depending upon the number of incidences in the
person's life.
Kids are resilient. Don't give up on them. Help them learn
to break the cycle of shame prevalent in their lives. Decision
making is where it's at. Help children gain a sense of self
competency by learning new skills to make good decisions.
This approach when combined with learning to speak out for
one's self and say no when appropriate along with sharing
feelings and stating boundaries gives children tools to avoid
further incidents that might be shame provoking.
Help your children learn positive self esteem and responsibility
with the help of our kits and books in our
Talk, Trust and Feel Catalog.
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