You Owe Me!
Children of Entitlement
Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © l997
"I want ___, Give it to me ___, Buy me ___" seem
to be the constant demand of some children. Some children feel
owed or entitled to get their way. While it is normal for a
child to ask for what he wants, some children are overly demanding
and needy. They have not learned to balance taking from others
with giving; they view other people as existing merely to give
to them.
For some children, this behavior may be a stage that they
go through and grow out of. For example, two year olds constantly
seek and explore the environment. Demanding that their needs
be met is one of the ways that two year olds develop independence.
Another phase comes up during adolescence. Teenagers are notoriously
known for requiring the best of everything. Rampant materialism
appears to be the middle name for some young people during
the teen years--it is a stage that some young people go though.
Another event that may cause a child to engage in more entitlement
behavior is divorce. The child may react to family stress
and loss by becoming more demanding. He may feel pulled between
the two parents and play one against the other to gain presents
and special privileges. The parent who feels guilty may unwitting
play into the child's materialism by "buying" the child's
favor through giving gifts or exciting outings. So selfish
behavior can be a stage or set up by events in the child's
life. However if it is not checked or outgrown, it can become
a lifelong pattern of getting everything for himself.
Some children have a personality trait of selfishness and
feeling owed. The demanding child often focuses on issues
of "It's not fair." He feels on an unconscious level that
what happened to him was not fair. And, in a sense, he is
"owed" because he missed out on basic nurturing, love, limits
and structure. When early dependency needs were not provided,
the child feels a sense of loss and shame that manifests itself
in being angry. This child may go through life angrily trying
to get others to make up for what his parents did not provide.
The type of child may react continuously to perceived small
injustices in daily life. In effect, he is saying to other
people, "You owe me. Pay up!" He can't get what he wants from
his parents so he tries to get it from other people. Symbolically,
continual anger can be a covert statement to his parents,
"It is not fair. Give me my basic needs. Pay attention to
me or I will blow up." Yet the sad part is that no matter
how much is given to him it is as if he has a hole inside
that can never be filled.
The child who feels owed often has limited skills and tools
to interact with people and sets up demands that cause others
to distance themselves from him. His defenses prevent him
from gaining acceptance and friendships from others in acceptable
ways. He learns to substitute anger, cruelty to others, addictive
substances, workaholic behavior or material objects to fill
his neediness. Behavior that focuses primarily negative ways
of getting the needs of the self met without regard to others
is called narcissistic.
Causes of Selfish Behavior
The roots of preoccupation with self involvement may be
due to a combination of stresses of nature and nurture. There
may be neurological involvement due to genetics or an injury
to the brain. And we live in a culture that encourages young
people to get all that they can. As the disparity between the
"haves and have nots" increases, some young people turn their
entitlement to anger and violence.
How the child is raised makes a difference in how he views
himself and others. The child with narcissistic behavior may
not have had his basic needs met when he was young. The mother
may not have had the capacity to support the ego-emerging
aspects of the child. She may not have been available either
emotionally or physically during this important developmental
period of his life. Around the age of two, children learn
to separate from their mother and develop an independent sense
of self. Deprivation of the child's needs during the period
of his life can result in ego fixation and developmental arrest.
Selfish behavior can be learned. The child may have witnessed
one of his parents displaying a pattern of domination and
selfishness while the other parent gave in much of the time.
The child learns to expect others to meet his needs as modeled
by the dominant parent whom he perceives as powerful. Children
who have experienced early physical and sexual trauma including
neglect and rejection may develop narcissistic defenses to
deal with their early pain. Spoiled and overindulged children
sometimes are at risk for the narcissistic behavior pattern
of wanting to control others. Children who are required to
live up to high parental expectation of being charming, talented,
intelligent, beautiful so that the parent's self esteem can
be enhanced, are also at risk. This is particularly true when
the parent is disappointed and rejecting when the child does
not live up to their expectations.
Defenses Against Shame
Narcissistic behavior is a defense against internal negative
feelings. The original self has become fractured. The results
of the fractured self is a way of interacting to keep himself
from feeling. The real self of the child was shut down in early
life due to trauma or parent's over involvement with their own
needs. The child forms a false sense of self to help avoid depression,
abandonment and the all-encompassing shame. His defenses of
neediness and selfishness keep the child from feeling vulnerable
and unworthy. The entitlement defense helps keep the child from
his internal global belief of "I am bad" that may have developed
when he felt parental rejection and feared abandonment early
in life. His secret belief is that I must be really bad or my
parents would have loved me. He avoids remembering early painful
experiences of hurt and shame.
Masterson describes the narcissistic wound as being so great
that the individual cannot even consider the balm to provide
the healing. This form of denial and rigid thinking is one
of the hardest defenses to break into. The child continually
seeks self gratification to pursue relief from shame. These
unquenchable demands are the result of arrested growth. The
depth of these defenses is the depth of the trauma. When the
child is stressed or threatened, he engages in more self-serving
behaviors.
Common Errors in Thinking
Certain errors of thinking keep the child caught in this
form of interacting with others. This faulty thinking which
set him up for a lifetime of hurt and disappointment is called
cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortion is a faulty way of
seeing the world due to severe hurt inside. Some or all of these
errors in thinking may be present to some degree in the child
who feels needy because of an inner sense of shame:
Reality distortion and Inability to See and
Hear
-- The child sees situations through his own sense of woundedness
and neediness. John Masterson, an expert in the field of personality
disorders, calls this distortion having a Swiss Cheese brain
with holes where the ego strengths (common sense) should be.
The child cannot always hear what you say because he is constantly
in a state of neediness and fear of being vulnerable. He cannot
risk trying new situations that might offer the opportunities
to learn new skills. His internal shame and fears of being found
cause a selective lens of which to look through.
Mood Switching
--The child's fractured self is caught in mood swings. She
may go back and forth between "I'll be good" and pouting or
outrage because she isn't getting what she wants. She becomes
angry when threatened with not getting her own way. There is
a paramount fear of being hurt and rejected coupled with denial
of need and clinging to the adult. Anger becomes a way of trying
to avoid abandonment and depression.
Poor Impulse Control and Frustration Tolerance
-- The child is highly reactive to outside stimuli that
seem to threaten his sense of self and cannot delay gratification.
He wants things NOW! He can be highly irritable and becomes
upset over numerous small things with the attitude of "I want
what I want when I want it!" He can become stuck in repeating
his defensive demands that turn others away: "Take care of me.
I'm needy. I'm special. Do for me what others have not done
for me. What have you done for me lately? Give me everything
I ask for or you don't love me."
Poor Ego Boundaries and Need for Control
-- The child cannot view things from any other perspective
other than his own. He is so caught in his own neediness that
he cannot feel empathy for others. He does not have the ability
to put himself in someone else's shoes. He views others as objects
to be used for his personal gratification.
Denial of Uncomfortable Feelings
--The child keeps the focus on what he wants not how he
feels. His constant demanding keeps him from feeling the pain
inside. Denial of feelings is a major defense against keeping
the hurt and shame away. He turns the tables around by trying
to make others wrong for not giving him what he feels entitled
to. You may hear him say, "I don't have to talk about feelings.
I don't have bad feelings. I don't want to do any psychological
work. I will make up schemes and only do what it takes to make
me to feel good. I have to feel good at all costs!"
Frequent Anger and Rage
--The child substitutes anger and tantrums as a way of keeping
her uncomfortable feelings from being experienced. She becomes
a master of rationalization and justification of her explosive
actions: "If I don't get my way, then I have the right to get
angry." Suicidal threats can be an extension of the distorted
thinking-- "Stick em up and give me what I want or I will kill
myself!"
Need for Admiration
--The child erroneously believes that he is special and
should be given special privileges. In effect he says, "Give
me perfect empathy. I deserve the biggest piece, the whole pie.
Tell me how wonderful I am, so I can ignore the pain inside.
Don't poke my self-protective bubble." This need to be seen
as special is so great that he cannot take in other information.
Grandiosity and Fantasy
--The child spins grandiose fantasies to cover up the internal
wounds of his fractured self. He sets up elaborate fantasy schemes
of winning, becoming powerful or gaining revenge for injustice.
Daydreams of becoming rich and famous without talent or hard
work are common.
Idealization and Devaluation of Teachers or
Therapists
--The child will make you feel that you are wonderful and
special as long as you humor her. "As long as you give me what
I want, you are the ideal person for me. If I bask in the wonderfulness
of you, I don't have to look at my own pain." There is generally
a honeymoon period until you ask her to be responsible for her
own actions. Then you, like everyone else, will fall from grace.
"You are bad if you don't let me win."
Externalization of Blame
--The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault
for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling
vulnerable by blaming others. The fragile self esteem cannot
be punctured by taking responsibility for behavior. His script
is "Do not expose me to those intolerable feelings inside. I
can't handle it."
Countertransference Issues:
Dumping of the Symptoms on Teachers and Therapists
Teachers and therapists who work with self-involved children
need a different set of cues and techniques to break into the
distorted thinking. Masterson says that this type of individual
is not in therapy to get better; he is there to get you to participate
in his symptoms! Without special understanding of the core of
shame that underlies narcissistic behavior, the unwitting adult
can do more harm than good.
Narcissistic children engage in repetitive compulsive behaviors
which are a defense of repeating the past symbolically in
the present without awareness of what they are doing. They
repeat their symptom over and over without insight or any
release from their pain. Focusing on themselves and getting
their way is all they know. They need to be taught social
skills of empathy, seeing things from other's perspective,
getting in touch with painful feelings and curtailing the
"You owe me" beliefs.
A strong alliance with a caring adult allows the child to
addresses the core issue of running away from uncomfortable
feelings. The first step is getting the child to the point
of looking at how his symptoms do not help her but make things
worse. Making the child feel good, developing rapport or bonding
with the adult are not goals of therapy! Rapport develops
naturally when you teach new ways of thinking and acting and
express excitement about his ability to make positive changes
in himself. Children really want to learn skills that are
in their best interests.
Traps for Those Who Try to Help
The teacher or therapist untrained in narcissistic personality
disorders may unwittingly fall into these countertransference
traps:
- Giving the child perfect empathy, or favors that encourage
her entitlement thinking and behavior (You are special.
You don't have to follow the rules. Just this once you can
.... Well, I'll let you get by this time.)
- Feeling the child's fear and avoiding the issues--letting
the child have her way. Protecting her so she does not have
to examine her own pain and the motives of her actions.
- Becoming angry and getting into power struggles with
the child.
- Tying to reason with the child on the rational understanding
of the issue when he cannot hear you due to his insistence
on his own agenda of not feeling any more pain.
- Falling into the child's despair as she projects the
fear that she cannot handle on you.
Therapeutic Practices to Help Reduce Distorted
Thinking
The therapist must be emotionally neutral when correcting
the child's faulty thinking. If you become upset or distance
yourself from the child, you may be caught in anger counter
transference issues of your own. In confrontation, the child's
narcissistic injury is exposed and he escapes into his own defensiveness
to reduce his feelings of shame. He will try to engage you in
power struggles; this is merely his running his symptom of trying
to win at all costs. Ignore all entitlement statements of "I
need to win" basis. Focus on identifying the child's vulnerability
and gently link it back to his defenses. If you are successful
he will be able to take what you say in rather than going into
the narcissistic posturing.
Bring the child's attention to his denied feelings and self
destructive behavior. Break into and challenge his thinking
by asking him questions that interrupt winning the power struggle.
Give him choices whenever possible. Bring him back to the
feeling level repeatedly. Interrupt his defenses and ask him
to feel. When that makes him angry, ask him to look at his
defenses.
Help the child to see that his anger does not get him what
he wants. Challenge him to find the hurt underneath the anger,
going back to his vulnerability. Help him develop his ego
strength by taking control of his own emotions and actions.
Help the child find his Observer Part so that he can step
back and watch himself. He can learn to see how his angry
thoughts and behaviors take him away from the things he longs
for the most--love and acceptance. Becoming a detective on
his own behavior can give him distance from the painful internal
feelings.
Social Skills Training to Correct Distorted
Thinking
The hope for the self-involved child is to provide him with
training to remediate the faulty ways of perceiving the world.
The child will benefit from social skill training in these areas
to make up for his deficits in thinking and behavior:
- Learning to follow directions and take in information
instead of going to instant debate
- Delaying gratification and learning to inhibit impulsive
actions
- Learning to separate the big deals from the little deals
and let go of the small injustices of life.
- Learning to state boundaries and allow others their boundaries
- Dealing with frustrations in socially acceptable ways
- Reinforcing his own self when behavior is appropriate
- Becoming his own coach and cheerleader for making good
choices
- Viewing others with empathy and seeing things from their
point of view
- Develop a healthy type of narcissism based on the balance
between giving and receiving
Cues to Break Into Statements of "You Owe
Me!"
You feel that your needs aren't being met. I wonder why
you need to get angry when that doesn't get you what you want?
Does going to time out make you happy? What is another choice
you could make instead of insisting that you get your way?
Maybe you get angry to avoid feeling the bad feelings inside.
You could make a different choice.
What is our rule about buying you things every time? You
can learn to feel good inside without having to have new toys
all the time. Really feeling good is about learning to talk
about your scary feelings.
This is not a big deal. Big deals are parents screaming
at you or hitting you, leaving you or you're becoming anxious
when parents fight. Little deals are not getting your own
way. You don't have to get angry over little deals. What could
you tell yourself to let this go so you could feel happy?
It is sad to see a smart person like you making yourself
so angry all the time. Some people talk about feelings so
they don t have to get angry so much. Hmmm. I wonder if you
could do that?
You get angry when I don't give you what you want. How does
not getting your way hurt you? That s life. Tell yourself,
"I don't always get my way. That's how it is. I don't have
to get mad."
When someone doesn't respond to you the way that you want,
you become angry. You are smart enough to stop doing this.
Tell yourself, I can feel good even though I don't get my
way.
It is so painful for you to look at yourself. You keep insisting
that I buy you things. I wonder why you want to argue instead
of doing things that would make you happy?
Yes, it is hard to talk about feelings at first. It does
feel uncomfortable inside at first. Then you get used to it
just like riding a bicycle is hard at first. The uncomfortable
feelings go away and you feel good. When you learn to talk
your feelings, you won't have to get angry all the time.
You used to take care of the bad feelings inside by insisting
that you get your own way. That doesn't work anymore. What
can you do now instead of blowing up?
I'm curious why you think it must go your way. Let's find
the hurt underneath the anger. Look for the hurt feelings.
Tell me about a time when someone hurt you.
Maybe someone hurt you a long time ago when you were little.
Maybe you could start to talk about the old hurts. Then you
could feel good inside again. I really want you to feel good
inside. The only way to feel good inside is to talk about
the hurt and go through it.
You can learn to handle those bad feelings inside. I know
they make you nervous, but you can do it. I believe in you!
References On Narcissism
Kernberg, O. (l975). Borderline Conditions and Pathological
Narcissism, New York: J. Aronson.
Kernberg, O. (l989). Narcissistic personality disorder in
childhood. In Otto Kernberg, (Ed.), The Psychiatric Clinics
of North America, Vol. l2, No. 3.
Masterson, J.(1988) The search for the real self: Unmasking
the personality disorders of our age. Macmillan Free Press.
These articles are taken from our curriculums in the Talk,
Trust & Feel Catalog to teach children positive ways to
deal with anger. See our catalog for kits that provide activities
in anger management, anger containment, safe anger release and
safe anger expression. The kit that addresses entitlement and
narcissistic behavior is I Stop My Bully Behavior.
MORE FOR TEACHERS & THERAPISTS
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