The Big Game of Life is a power struggle with others
which serves to allow the player to avoid personal responsibility
and refuse to look at his own behavior! Virginia Satir first
described the Big Game. The Big Game is often one aspect of
the Family Disease or I Have the Right to Tell You What To Do!
The power struggle disease is prevalent in families with dysfunctional
behavior.
This Family Disease is the struggle between domination and
submission, between addictions and co-dependency. It keeps
the people involved in dysfunctional behavior as they struggle
for control. The game must be called off in order to win maturity
and independence. The tug of war that is behind the Big Game
has been "I know what is best for you." The Big Game is the
basic power struggle where each individual tries in a convoluted
way to get their underlying needs for power met.
Catching yourself in the act of thinking and worrying about
what someone else is doing is the first step to stopping the
game. Looking at your need to focus your energy on the other
person instead of yourself is the second step. A simple formula
to remind yourself is " ..... is going to do what .... is
going to do." Cats practice cat behavior; snakes practice
snake behavior. Mary practices Mary behavior and Steve practices
Steve behavior. You can only expect a person to practice behavior
that is consistent with his attitudes, values, coping mechanisms
and unrecovered addictions. Stewing and fretting over another
person's choices is a way of binding up energy for both of
you.
Withdrawing from the Big Game of Life is one of the greatest
freedoms that you can give yourself. When you give up your
shoulds and expectations for others and focus on cleaning
up your own act, a heavy weight is lifted from your shoulders.
Creativity and productivity flow in as you release your co-dependent
manipulation. You have more time and energy for more exciting
challenges in your life than trying to fix someone else.
The rope represents the power struggle that lies between
you and the other person. The solution is remarkably easy
and yet so difficult: Stop acting out the Family Disease!
Stop playing the Big Game! Simply put down the rope. Stop
the power struggle. Stop playing tug of war with your life.
Let go of the rope. Let it go. Just let it go.
Steps for Moving Through the Big Game
Playing out the family of origin script of the Big Game (controlling
others) at an unconscious level. As you progress in maturity
you bring it to a more conscious level and become aware of what
you are doing. You start owning that you are playing out the
Family Disease.
Becoming upset with others who play the Big Game (projecting
what you don't like about yourself on someone else and becoming
angry.)
Learning about the Big Game and recognizing how one has
played it. You learn to recognize the players in the game
and the crass and subtle manipulations that people use to
control each other.
Recognizing the bad feelings (guilt and discomfort over
using blaming or manipulating, etc.) because you have played
through the family script.
Bringing it to a conscious level by deciding to catch yourself
when you are playing the game (learning to break the blame/manipulate
habit!)
Accepting that the Family Disease of the Big Game was a
part of your upbringing so of course you would catch it. Controlling
others is learned behavior; children learn what they see so
it stands to reason that you would develop a part of your
personality that has a need to control others.
Understanding how playing the Big Game served you. Figure
out how it played a function or a purpose for you. Did it
get you what you wanted? Did it make you feel powerful? How
did it help you? How has it hurt you? Has focusing on what
is best for others kept you from looking at your own behavior?
Embracing that part of yourself that needed to play the
Big Game. Understand that this is only a part of your total
personality that needs to be understood and accepted. It is
not bad; it is just learned behavior that can be unlearned
to help you become a healthier person.
Observe yourself when you feel the urge to judge or try
to control others. Watch your anger when others do things
you do not approve of.
Forgiving yourself for playing the control game. The need
to control others is just learned behavior and you can change
it. You were not a bad person for learning what was modeled
in your family of origin. You can recognize that there was
really nothing to forgive -- learning about one's needs to
control others and succumb to the manipulation from others
is all part of life's lessons that you came to learn.
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